Pretty is a Privilege

Below are things that have been said verbally or written to me (the latter usually on online platforms where tons of other people can read too):

• Is that an upper arm or a bolster? (Facebook)
• Those are huge thighs. (Instagram)
• Looks like that tummy gets a little flabby. (Facebook)
• Were you really ever that skinny? (Verbally, upon seeing an old photograph)
• (Usually followed by) What happened?
• You looked skinny on your picture. (Verbally)
• You have a lot of gray hair (Instagram and verbally)
• (Usually followed by) Don’t you want to get that coloured?
• The photographer must’ve been really skilled. (Upon seeing a good photograph of me)
• Wow, your skin is so dark. (Verbally, in a derogatory tone)
• Did the tub break? (Instagram, upon a photo of me in a cedar hot tub)
• You’re going to try biking? Aren’t you scared your thighs will get bigger? (Verbally)
• Where did your boobs go? (Instagram and verbally)
• When did your boobs become this big? (Verbally, while grabbing my tummy)
• Are you really her cousin? But she’s pretty. (Verbally)
• So how far along are you in your pregnancy? (Verbally)
• Who’s the flat chest? (This one is actually said by a friend of a friend to the latter upon seeing a picture of me)
• If you're looking for a husband, you should post this picture of you instead. It's a really good picture. (Verbally, implying that the reality doesn't match the picture)
• Cap sandal jepit. (Which basically means rejects. The context was a comparison to the popular, pretty girls in school)

That’s about it. Or at least those are the ones that I haven’t successfully shrugged off.

Never mind that I went to a good school, never mind that I have been doing a great job doing what I do, and earning a pretty decent living out of it, never mind that I have developed (or at least I thought I did) an interesting – if not tolerable – personality, and most importantly,

Never mind that I have refrained myself from – no, scratch that. Never mind that I didn’t even think to point out the physical qualities of these people that I thought might also be the source of their insecurities – especially on a public domain where other people can see too.

And the sentences listed up there, those are actually normal banters. “I was just joking”, “You don’t have to take it personally”, and oh, my favourite, “I’m just saying it for your own good”.

Probably they are (normal banters). But there’s another thing I haven’t been able to shrug off. I keep wondering, okay, let’s take a hypothetical scenario where there’s a photo of your friend on Facebook in which she looks okay enough but there’s a zit on her face. I keep wondering, what drives anyone to think, Okay, that’s a big zit. I should point that out in case she didn’t notice. Yeah. I’ll just type it in on the comment bar, so other people can discuss the matter too.

What makes anyone think it’s okay to poke your tummy and say “This protrudes further than your boobs”?

Just answer me that. What were they thinking? And why?

"Wanting to kiss you? No... It's sort of always there. Like... White noise, or the secret service or the threat of nuclear war, for that matter. Just something you get used to."

-Pacey Witter, because I did watch "Dawson's Creek"

So this conversation happened one afternoon,

M: What are three things that you must have in your life?
R: Love, health, and money--or wealth.
M: Which one is your priority? Which one that you need right now?
R: Money.
M: Why?
R: It's the safest bet among the three.

And I stand my ground. Money doesn't give you unwanted surprises and money doesn't suddenly change its mind.

Here's to hoping.

So The Internet today is filled with sad believers, mourning over the separation of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. There are theories, the touching letter, the mourners, the haters, and there is the interview Gwyn did last year:

"I asked my dad once, 'How did you and Mom stay married for 33 years?' And he said, 'Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.' I think that's what happens. When two people throw in the towel at the same time, then you break up, but if one person's saying, 'Come on, we can do this,' you carry on."

Isn't it sad though that the odds lean towards people throwing the towel at the same time? And I think sometimes even if one is saying "Come on, we can do this", both still don't get to carry on.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or sing or live as only you can.

And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

- Neil Gaiman.

I've just attempted suicide by being optimistic.

"I want to fall asleep. So I don't have to remember."

I understand your sentiment, Yuna, I really do. *bury self under the covers*