only slightly mental

I'm over my crush with Mr.Berryman. Heheh. Or my fiery lust for Mr.Bonjang for that matter.

----------

Can you sing Flowers for me?
That is my rescue, it has to be

I hate to complain but sometimes you just can't help doing so, innit? So here goes... I'm bored (kalo kata celebritis indonesia yang harusnya make duitnya buat les bahasa inggris instead of nose jobs, "gue boring"). Not bored as in there's-nothing-good-on-TV bored, or I-have-nothing-to-do-today bored. It's I-wanna-be-anywhere-but-here bored. Omygod, I could go crazy anytime soon. Seriously. It's like my brain's going to explode any moment, when really it's because of the void in it. I can't explain exactly what I'm feeling lately, but it's driving me insane. Insane. Insane. Afterdark isn't better. I have the urge to rant on my journal but I don't know why nor for what and the words are just stumbling over one another they don't come out. I usually ended up doodling meaninglessly on it.

It's not like I'm sad nor upset, it's just that I'm on the verge of going nuts. Nuts. Nuts. Completely nuts. When something nice comes up, I'm totally okay. Like last thursday, when there were these good bands playing at the campus. That was fun. Or when I have my friends--best friends, hang-out friends, cousins, whatever--around, I'm okay. But when I'm left alone with nothing to do or at least when my mind is left alone with nothing to think about, there's this empty chaos inside. There's nothing to do, to think about, to dread about, but I feel so...jumbled.

See, I can't even write properly about it.

ARGH. Antara pengen kabur atau mematung.

Maybe it's just a phase, like always. But when it happens frequently--rarely, but frequently, could you really call it "a phase"? And I know when this is all over, I'll laugh at this and wonder, what was I thinking. Do I feel insane because I think I am insane? Someone I know once said something about what you feel is what your mind tells you to do, or something like that. You know, a suggestion or some sort.

You know what, I don't know.

Phew. It's tiring to even write about it. Um, help, please? A vacation, Prozac, a slap to bring back some senses, anything will do.

ooh, get me away from here, i'm dying
sing me a song to set me free
nobody writes them like they used to
so it may as well be me
[belle & sebastian]

obsessions in my head, don't connect with my intellect

Ahem. This is the 2nd part of my Guy-obsession entry below.

Turns out, he does in fact like dogs. Because he owns one named Sid (from Sid Vicious)...with his wife! Waaaahhhhh *sobs* I so envy a girl named Joanna Briston right now. Sob sob sob.

Haw. Goodbye the chance of living happily ever after with a man who's worth 10 million pounds and drives Land Rover Discovery 3.

Yeah, I think I'm obsessed. But I'm too broken-hearted to admit that.

everyone of us is here, how about you?

This week has been fun! See, on Thursday there was this Saka New Year for the hindus, so it was obviously a day off for everyone. While on Friday...I don't know what it was with that day, but it was also a day off for me and some people. I know every Tuesday I've a day off this semester. Therefore, I only go to my dreary campus twice this week. Hm. So this is what it's like to be you, Ped =p

Let's start with Wednesday. After on-again-and-off-again rapat geng plan, Bune said that her family's "pembubaran panitia kawinan" is on Thursday and Rozelle decided to bail from her family's "rapat kawinan", so it was finally on. Off we went, to where else but NAV karaoke lounge. This time the usual singing session ended up in a way that I didn't think could ever occur with the girls. It was curcol-inducing. Hahahah. So okay, we thought, it would be a good time to have some coffee time. Off we went to Citos. And for the 1st time in history, we were rejected here and there because almost all of the restaurants & cafes had already placed the last order. The only places that would accept us were Gloria Jean's Coffee and Liquid Room. Naturally we chose Gloria Jean's despite the "blah" foods and drinks. Tapi karena kelamaan nyari tempat, sesi curhat yang tadi udah terpicu jadi tersendat lagi. Ya tak apalah, gak apa-apa mati gaya yang penting gak mati ya, geng?

Thursday came and I wasn't too keen on this day because I had to do group projects (yes, plural) @ Monik's house. I had to wake up quite early, and staying up late the night before didn't minimalize my urge to bite people's heads off. But it turned out okay. I mean, it wasn't like we actually did some work. With the Film & Sastra group, I practically just read 2 chapters of Harry Potter #4, watched parts of the film and ngemeng to compare them. With Pengkajian Budaya group, I practically just cut some indie music-related articles from Laila's mags. That's that. The rest of the day was actually okay, despite my heavy eyelids. We talked/gossiped about things and for the first time I watched a porn movie. Heheh.

Next, the plan for Friday was to go to Passer Baroe. Bune, Pedhe and I had made this plan since about 2 weeks before. Despite the almost-off plan, we finally went with Bangun who kindly drove us there. Bla bla bla, I don't need to write details about the shopping, all I can tell is shopping is always fun. Always. Afterwards, we grabbed some meal @ nasi goreng cabe rawit di jalan...Daksa? Not wanting to go home, we called Ingga and asked his whereabouts. Anyway, long story made short, we joined him, Davis, Adri, and Idontknowwho @ Paprika, watching Leli sang. Paprika was this classy restaurant/lounge, I think, and there I was wearing short and tee and sandal jepit looking like a sweating babu. But whatever. Seeing Ingga was nice.

Saturday night arrived and Ingga was supposed to meet Pedngun and I at this Cafe Shisha. But he two-timed and bailed on us in the end. However the long-lost Ebonk was available, so there we were, the Telerabies' reunion. We were on our way to Cafe Shisha when the guys brought up the Duck King issue (I lost a bet about a year ago and I was supposed to pay for our dinner @ Cinoa, but the guys insisted that it was Duck King I had promised them). I knew I wouldn't hear the end of it for the rest of the night, so I finally agreed to go to the Duck King and pay for dinner. It was nice to shut their mouth for once. Heheh. Afterwards we headed straight to Cafe Shisha only to find that the belly dancing show was over. That's okay, I got to go with...more or less my 2nd geng after a long, long hiatus.

Well, there went the lazy days. The calm before the storm. Now here I am, on Sunday afternoon, trying to get some tasks done. Boo. I don't even want to rant about what kind of "storm" I'm facing. Ugh. Ugh. Like Ped once said, gue cuma mau mematung.

Everyone of us is high,
Everyone of us is low,
Everyone of us is here,
How about you?
[Coldplay]

my song is love unknown & i've got to get that message home

On a whole different note, once again I'll ask, inikah yang dinamakan cinta? Yes, this time I'm sure that it is. And who's the object of my undying overwhelming desire this time? Drumroll please...

Mr.Guy Berryman, of course.

See, he's already a musician and a good looking one too. That counts for unlimited points. I just browsed Coldplay.com and saw this picture of him playing footie. Ding-ding, more and more points. If only I knew if he liked dogs or not...

But that doesn't matter that much.

He's most likely not a moslem. But when he belongs to the world's greatest band, I don't think my mom would mind...

Omaygad. I think this is THE ONE.

See, I don't mind "makan cinta" kalo udah sama dia sih. But I don't think that'd be necessary. I mean he has the fortune, for sure. Maybe he's taken. Well, I swear, I don't mind living as his mistress-slash-love slave or such.

So, Mr.Guy, if you ever come across this blog, send me a ticket to wherever you are, let the sparks between us show and drive off to the sunset together.

what is there to know? all this is what it is

I had been waiting, disappointed, and back to waiting again...

Aaaand finally I watched Kings of Convenience on Sunday. Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's right. I watched it and it was beyond great! Come to think of it, not getting tickets for the KoC show in Jakarta might just be the best thing. Because if I had watched the Jakarta show, I wouldn't have gone to Bandung. If I hadn't gone to watch KoC in Bandung, I wouldn't have had supper at C'mar (this apparently a famous warung in Bandung). And if I hadn't had supper at C'mar, I wouldn't have met Erlend Oye from KoC himself...

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I met him and had a piture taken with him! Wee-hoo! And unlike my friends, I can't tell the long and fantastic details about last weekend here. Kayak ketemu gebetan, it feels fabulous but somewhat undescribable and yet you want to spread the story and joy to everyone you know although you know they're dead bored with it.

Ah cukup dikenang dalam hati saja, considering I'm lacking of non-retarded words right now and not to mention, I lost the tickets at the venue (I usually kept my tickets safely: movies, concerts, and else). But hey, who needs words and tickets when you have a picture; and being predictably cliche, I'll say a picture says a thousand words.

you're just like me, you're sipping a cup of dreams

I had a five-year-old-ish but wonderful dream last night. In my dream, it was a beautiful afternoon and I was at my frontyard; but it was more beautiful, with colorful flowers and butterflies. *Here goes the 5-year-old-ish part* There were Tinkerbell, Peter Pan, Wendy and her brothers. We were all holding hands, and hocus pocus, I was lifted off the ground to the air. I was flying with them! Ahahaha. I remember thinking flying is fun! Seriously! It was an indescribable sensation to be able to fly. Aaand, there was music playing (I don't know from where); it was La Vie En Rose. I know Disney's movie and french song don't mix. But I still think it was wonderful and magical.

Hm. Come to think of it, I had one 5-year-old-ish dream before, when I was still in the elementary school. In this dream, I saw colorful hippos flying around in the night sky filled with colorful stars. Not only hippos, there were also cows. But they weren't colorful, just the regular black and white. Wonderful.

Ridiculous as those dreams were, they were better than the one in which I wanted so much to see my grandpa before too late; so much I cried hard in my dream. When in reality, my grandpa's passed away.

Anyhoo. What am doing, babbling about dreams here? Well, who knows, one day my children can read the story about how their mom used to fly around with Peter Pan and the whole bunch, and watch colorful hippos floating in the sky from her window.

we always said it's forever in this beautiful life

Yesterday's rapat geng was nice. We went to PIM2 and tried this new place called Cafe Cartel (which inevitably, constantly reminds me of a 90s gadget called Kartu Telepon). Once more, we were planning to catch a movie last night, but we lost track of time and ended up missing the movie. All night we just sat there, munching on calamaris and pizza, drowning ourselves in caffeine and convos (from unpleasant rumours and suspicions about Gibond to Rosel's something's psycho ex). By the way, Rosel's something--Arif--joined us. But it was better this time, I think we've grown past the memeras-otak-sampai-bengong-mikirin-mau-basa-basi-apa phase. He was very nice, and I think he passed our perploncoan-anggota-baru test with flying colours.

Anyway, since we missed the movie, we were thinking about karaoke-ing instead. But then Bune suddenly said that it was her mom's birthday so she couldn't get home too late. Okay, I admit it, I was upset, but hey what could I do about it? Deciding a date for another time of karaoke or movie was not easy. So I kept wondering--and actually dreading about--how could it become harder and harder to gather the girls together. I guess this whiny part of me will always be there to stay... But...

*ALERT: cheesy thanksgiving moment ahead*

See, for the last 1-2 weeks, I had dug a hole to the past and let myself get carried away with the bittersweet longing of all in the past known to be nostalgia. Started with reading a few high-school-related stories, listening (and singing) to old songs, allowing myself to mentally change my surroundings with things from--more or less--4 years ago (wooden desks and chairs, a fan above my head, blue Puma shoes on my feet, colorful binders, colorful scrap door, Tigger plush with extra hand-made stripes, and well, people). I could actually remember how things felt back then. When you couldn't feel anymore cooler wearing that high-school uniform (since you were definitely more mature than those ABG-ish anak-anak SMP, but you weren't as old and boring as those mbak-mbak college students). When the life-altering decision that you had to make was what to wear to the prom. When everyone was around, you saw them 6 days a week, they were as normal as a zit on your nose. When your friends were still in the same town; let it be close friends or the platonic ones.

To put cherry on top, yesterday @ Ped's, she, Bune and I watched the "VCD Batalyon". Hmmh. Surely and like always, changes could be felt; I could taste it like sugar and coffee in my mouth. People've changed from anak-kampung thin to flabby tummies and vice versa. The closest packs have grown further. Crushes change (or not?). Opinions towards people have changed (from love-sick drools to "ih, kayak anak kampung!" or from loathing Gibond to death to worrying sick about him). Even I've changed, in some ways. At some point, friends stopped being around. And I'm not talking about the platonic ones who were never really ever there at all, but close friends. I don't hang out with the same people, it constantly changes from time to time: Kacank, Angga and his Geng Infinite Sadness, Geng Angkuh and the whole Aksi bunch, Geng Pengajian, Geng Ngong and else. Paling berasa adalah kalo inget Ocha dan nasihat-nasihat sok bijaksananya. All I can think is--quoting from Graduation song--"I guess I thought that this would never end". Where is he now? Where are his advices when I need one? Where are all those people now? You get my point, don't you? I've done this wallowing-in-the-past so many times, it just becomes me.

But, there are some that stay. Drumroll please...For four years and counting, it's the girls. While others, smiles and tears, guys, parties and conflicts frequently come and go, the girls came to stay. What ironic is, four years ago, I'd put all three Bune, Pedhe and Rosel in the "come and go" box.

Girls, *here goes* I won't say any thanks or sorry here, because I really don't know what to say nor how to show you that I'm very grateful for you all. Really, no word can tell. I just want to hope that years and years from now, you three will still differentiate yourselves from everything else from the past, because you stay. Saaahh. Olive juice, girls.

i just want every boy i see, to walk away with part of me

What have I been feeling lately?

To quote one of my best friends: "Inikah yang dinamakan cinta? Rasanya hati ini berdegup kencang kalo liat doski."

'Doski' here is a new mister on the blog, Mr.Bonjang. And, no, it's not 'cinta', it's more like 'napsu'. Ahahah... Pure physical attraction, seriously. And earlier today, he just looked good in a black tee and his army-green jacket. Ahh, membayangkannya saja sudah lemas! Yeah, yeah, he's mighty fine *lagi bayangin* Best part is, as meaningless as it is, it's great to know there's a possibility of giddiness when I go to the campus.

Or maybe this could be my temporary hormonal rage talking. See yesterday, another old mister was wearing his striped shirt (my absolute favorite), and inside skipped a beat. Also yesterday, another not-quite-a mister said some kind of 'hi' through a friend, via text message! And yet, all of the sudden, I was missing him so much. Well, those two cases are definitely temporary, for today I don't feel anything skipping its beat nor me missing anyone.

But Bonjang? Ahh, best thing about lately besides my karaoke sessions with ibu-ibu Inggris yesterday and my rapat geng plan for tomorrow x)

you missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye

I've just spent the whole afternoon looking for a topic for my penpop assignment, developing it and typing it while doing so. When I was just few sentences away from finishing the assignment, Nilam reminded me that we weren't supposed to find our own topic, but to develope the Pak Ismail-given topic. Waaahh, how could I forget? Ugh. Anyway, now I've lost my mood to do any thinking, so here I am, trying to pour my brain out.

I've finally reached the 8th and--hopefully--the last semester of my days as a uni student. When I arranged my classes at the beginning of this semester, I thought everything was settled and well-planned. Turns out, nothing is that easy. I'm now faced with a few probs: kurangnya SKS mata kuliah pilihan dan kelas-kelas yang bentrok, meanwhile I really, really have to finish everything this semester. I can't afford any extra semester, really.

About my teaching job, I tried to resign a few days ago. But I only managed to reduce my working hour from 4 hours a week to 3... until I find my substitute, that is. Well at least now I can have a preschooler-free friday afternoon.

Moving on to a whole different subject...

Last night I had one of our "rapat geng"s with the girls. The last time we had one of those was December 3rd 2005. It took 2 months and a week to get together again! Owmaygad. I mean, how hard can it be, right, to gather 4 people together at the same time and place? Well, actually, very hard.

We were planning to watch a local movie (it was either Jomblo or Realita Cinta dan Rock and Roll), but Ped and I thought it would be such a waste to spend our time together watching some movie when we could actually talk and do some catching up about each other. Besides, we were late for the movie anyway. So we headed to Citos for some drinks. Bune and I were with Peds, while Rosel was with Arif (her friend or ahem, something). Turned out, there was this Ajang Boyband event @ Citos that caused a major traffic jam. Citos was so full, they stopped letting cars enter the parking lot; including Ped's car. Therefore we went to Kemang instead and looked for an interesting place to have a drink or two. Didn't find it. Sooo, after waiting and hoping for the traffic to ease up @ Mc.D Kemang, we headed back to Citos. Haha. We got into the parking lot this time and finally went to Tartine for the drinks (and foods).

It was nice. Well of course it was, I was with the girls. But I think last night went too fast. We spent the night 40% on the road with Rosel in the other car. There was someone new that we weren't too familar with, Arif. Not that I mind he joined us, but it was obvious that he and the geng (aside from Ros) were still in the memeras-otak-sampai-bengong-mikirin-mau-basa-basi-apa phase. Borrowing a word from Bangun, jadi kurang "lepas" lah QT semalam itu. Point is, time flew by too fast and we didn't use our time together as good as we could last night.

Of course, we can have another QT soon, but there was Bune and her--what I think as unreasonable--excuses. In the end, I can't help feeling kebat-kebit--or restless you may call--thinking about when our next get-together will be. It really is that hard to gather four best friends together at the same place and same time. Haw. Segini masih kuliah dan masih di kota yang sama.

Let's just hope Bune's "liat ntar" brings some "ayok aja" in the end.

Here's something to reminisce our youth years from now when our rapat geng become less frequent (Naudzubillahminzalik...)

"The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?"
[Modest Mouse]

Ahem, in this warm saturday afternoon, I'd like to welcome the 3rd and newest reader of this blog,

Bangun Suryoputro

Congratulation for easily finding this blog. Remember, keep it hush-hush until further notice.

get up and see the sarcasm in my eyes

Seven things that scare me:
1. Death, definitely.
2. Losing friends to anything.
3. Bankruptcy.
4. Losing my mom (aku anak mami).
5. Completely losing my sanity.
6. The process of giving birth.
7. Getting old and superfat.

Seven random facts about me:
1. I hate and am terribly scared of anything related to hospitals. Old ambulance (you know, yang putih dan udah agak butut), needles, blood tests, doctors, and the hospital itself.
2. I'm known for saying 'terserah' when given two choices or more. Not because I cannot decide anything, but because I don't mind any of the options.
3. I'm a curiousity-driven person.
4. I talked to my mom's potted plants when I was a little. If you know a plant called sufflir, and you know a young part of it which shaped like swirls, well I called them "tuan ulat".
5. I love attention but not the unwanted ones.
6. I don't believe in happy endings, happy marriage, loyalty, honesty and other muluk-muluk things; but am willing and dying to be proven wrong.
7. I still sleep with my mom even though I have my own room now.

Seven things I hope to do before I die:
1. Go to NYC, better yet, live there.
2. Take my cousins to Disneyland.
3. Skinny-dip or dance naked under the rain. However, as I grow older, i'm having a second thought...
4. Get filthy rich.
5. Bang Guy Berryman... (ini mah muluk-muluk).
6. Get married and have children, maybe. Deep down, I'm still an old-fashioned girl.
7. Cukup beribadah, biar dosanya keapus.

Seven things I can do:
1. I can make people pour out their deepest feelings, stories or secrets; sometimes, without even asking them to.
2. Despise people without any reasonable excuse.
3. Remember dates and events like a walking diary. I know that is nothing, but trust me, when you know people like Bune and Rozelle, it'll count as a special talent.
4. I can make reasonable excuses for everything.
5. Fall easily for anyone one day and loathe them the next.
6. Cut my own hair and still look fabulous.
7. Be a total drama queen.

Seven people who should fill this out:
1. Pedhe
2. I'd like to say Sindro, but she's done it already. I got this from her.
3. I don't have many friends.
4. I don't have many friends who know about this blog.
5. Er...
6. Um,...
7. Well...

we never change, do we? we never learn, do we?

Who has the best cousins ever?

I'd like to say Rozelle for she has one that is very...er, goodlooking. But humor aside, it's me. I have Khesia and Archie, or Kakak and Chichi as I usually call. See, I used to live with them until their mother remarried, then they're out of the house. Back then, when we were all still in this house, neither of us cherished the time. But now that we live separately, I treasure every time I've spent with them.

Just yesterday they came by because Khesia needs tutoring for her english. It was fun teaching her because we always slipped in stupid, retard-ish jokes and talks. Dinner time was the best, everyone was around, including keluarga "rumah depan". As usual, it was us--the youngest girls in the house--who dominated the conversation. We talked about people, made fun of some, and laughed about some others. And oh how I miss the time when that happened every night. And after that, we made water balloons which we called "silikon kampung utan" from these balon tiup kampung thingy just like when we were younger.

Seriously, they're the perfect mix of: Beavis, Butthead, Ren, Stimpy, The Plastics from Mean Girls, sugar and spice and everything nice. And aside from the girls, they're the closest thing I got to having sisters. Sure, I've sisters of my own, but you know...

----------

Moving on. Holiday has been a snooze fest so far. I haven't found anything to do, that is interesting, exactly. Of course there's my teaching job, and another assignment *gasp*. In case anyone's wondering how come I still have assignment to deal with during holiday, let's just say I have to thank my forgetfulness for it. Ugh. However, I enjoy having days off. I can stay up late, wake up in the middle of the day, and watch TV like there's no tomorrow.

Speaking of which, nowadays I spend my wee hours watching Cartoon Network. 1am, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, 1.30 Grim Adventure of Billy and Mandy, and 2am Powerpuff Girls. Heheh. I know I've turned 21 not too long ago, but these cartoons are very entertaining. And my latest favorite is just adorable:

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

Anyway. I better work on my assignment.

Au revoir.

the doctor told her years ago that she was ill, the doctor told her years ago to take a pill

Erm, correction, my chocolate chip cookies turned out to be as hard as rock. Boo hoo. But they still taste good *smug smile*

Anyway. About a week ago, when I was in Bandung, Ebonk was sick. And I told him something like, "makanya pulang kenapa? kalo di jakarta kan ada yang ngurus. makanya makan yang bener," and bla bla bla.

Next, on monday, I called Bune and she said she still wasn't feeling very well. And I said something like, "ah, cupu. sakit mulu deh. makanya jaga kesehatan dong."

On the same day, I called Ingga and found out that he wasn't feeling very well either. And I said something like, "kok lo kayak orang-orang sih. giliran gue alhamdulillah sehat walafiat dan mau ngajak orang-orang jalan, kalian pada sakit. makanya jaga kesehatan dong! wuu." *note: it was usually me who was ill during holiday season. Hello, NYE 2004 =p

Still on Monday, I found out Yoyok was sick. I didn't say anything though, because it was Ped who told me about him.

Fast forward to wednesday night, I got a fever. My body was so hot, literally. And I felt sore all over. The next morning, I hadn't fully recovered but I was okay. However, that night, I had this twisting pain in my stomach. I don't know why, but I think I OD from all the vitamin C I took to cure my sariawan. Friday, no more stomachache but I had a runny nose. And now, I keep coughing like dogs on crack, and I still have a runny nose. My voice even starts to sound like banci again.

Moral lesson, hati-hati kalo sombong, kalo sok, dan kalo ngomong.

i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget

Just a minute ago Rosel called me from one of the many weddings she attends to. Guess whom she had seen earlier? Mr.Pudding in batik shirt. Ooh, lucky Rosel. This is just like the time when Bune said she saw him riding ojek... Mereka yang ketemu, gue yang deg-degan. Hahah. Norak.

Anyhoo. Little updates.

I've finished my last final exam yesterday. No more presentation, no more papers, no more exams... Well at least for the next couple of months.

-----

So, last night, my friends from english dept. decided to get together @ Warung Baba-Kemang. 'My friends' here were, Monik, Ima, Nissa, Tisam, Nilam, Sindro, Memmy and Pani. Yep, all girls. That's what's wrong with my campus, lacking in male species. Anyway, it was fun, and I'm glad I decided to wake up from my seemed-like everlasting sleep and go.

-----

As in today, I used my free time making chocolate chip cookies. Not bad, I must say.

-----

I fall even more in love with... Guy Berryman. And also, in lust with Gael Garcia Bernal. Hahah.

Omygod. I find myself lacking in words to write. I'll come back when I'm able to write something even slightly better than what's above. Even obituary is more interesting than that.

Arrivederci.

At the final moment, I cried. I always cry at endings.

Nothings and everythings in 2005

1. First thing in 2005, tried smoking for the first time.
2. Went to Bandung with Pedhe by TRAIN!!! Interesting... except for the trip back to Jakarta when I got really tired and slept all through the way. Piss, Ped =p
3. Dreading and waiting for my hair to grow back.
4. Learned to play bowling for the first time.
5. Started to learn how to drive, again, just so I wouldn't lose a bet with Ped. Ended up losing it anyway.
6. Tried shopping @ Passer Baroe for the first time.
7. Joined the Mading team.
8. Bought my very own computer... yang selalu ada aja aksinya.
9. Tried mushrooms (magic ones) for the first time.
10. Naik kereta gantung setelah bertaun-taun nggak.
11. Sleepover @ Bune's for the 1st time, setelah berteman bertahun-tahun.
12. Satu lagi teman yang keluar dari Jakarta: Oho left the country for better education (or was it a better rockstar's life?) in Oz.
13. Grew closer to Syarif. Close enough for him to irritatingly read my mind.
14. Squeezed my brain dry, thinking a way to make a forgetful guy remember moi.
15. Geng Suril yang dibuat pada malam 1 suril yang sungguh... well, surreal. Hi Nil, Sind, Nand.
16. Pedhe and Bangun became official. Yaay!
17. Went to Pasar Senen for the 1st time. And last time, as a matter of fact.
18. Ditaksir suami orang.
19. Naksir pacar temen.
20. Started smoking like crazy. Daily. It lasted for a month or so.
21. Suril times with geng Suril by the lake.
22. Jadi penerima tamu buat Nusantara Symphony Orchestra. Gaji buta.
23. Trying out for Starbucks' recruitment. Interview, check. IQ test or some sort, check. But they didn't call back.
24. Olimpiade UI and me being a loyal supporter of it.
25. Piknik Jadul with some of my classmates by the lake.
26. Managed to get a certain someone to drive me home.
27. Joined the Festbud committee.
28. On-again-off-again Bali trip. In the end, it was off for me.
29. Rozelle and Ingga became official. Double yay!
30. Went to Bandung and back in just one night.
31. Ngambil semester pendek for the first time. And the last, I hope.
32. Pulang naik kereta express sama Nilam. And yeah, it was my first time.
33. The long-awaited Coldplay's album, X and Y.
34. Get together with the girls, Ingga, Yoyok, Bangun, Ebonk and Oho (for a while).
35. Went to Pekan Raya Jakarta for the 1st time, I think.
36. Jadi panitia pengawas SPMB. Another gaji buta.
37. Bune left the country for a summer course in Netherland. The longest one month in my life! Hahah.
38. Little reunion with Myra and Dhiska.
39. Kemakan omongan, and losing another bet because of it.
40. Another couple became official. This time, no yay.
41. Made an unsignificant call to a significant someone.
42. Batalyon reunion. Went well, and I was one of the masterminds. Wee-hoo!
43. Digosipin naksir Gibond.
44. I became a teacher at this place called Chrysolit. No more gaji buta.
45. Sinestra and conflicts in it.
46. Silent treatment from Nissa for a few weeks and vice versa.
47. Ingga and Rozelle broke up. Boo.
48. Roz turned 21 @ Cakalang and Tamani.
49. Bune turned 21 @ Rozelle's.
50. Cut my hair for the 1st time after Ubud. Managed to lose every bit of Ubud's on my head.
51. No buka puasa "angkatan" this year, there wasn't even a buka puasa geng. But there was a malem takbiran bersama "angkatan" yang dia-dia lagi.
52. Ped turned 21 @ Tomodachi and Molinari Cafe. Roz was absent.
53. I turned 21 on the best day of the year, which included: Culturaholic band audition, sort-of-surprise from my friends, the confetti sprays attack *my favorite part*, and dinner @ Tartine with the girls, Bangun and Angga.
54. Had a crush on someone whom I only saw 3 times this year, and godknows when I will see him again.
55. Festbud.
56. The music event of Festbud. Best and worst day of my life.
57. Kepincut lagi when I should've known better.
58. The postponed GK. It was more interesting this year. With a guy with a pudding head there, and even more interesting, a magnetic dickhead around.
59. Had a crush on an old friend after seeing him in a video from almost a year before. Interesting side-note: I found an entry in my real journal from Jan 25th 2005, and I wrote, "Although it doesn't make much difference, I always love it when he's around." And the 'he', of course, refers to that old friend.
60. Saying goodbye to the Mading team.

As for the closure of 2005, I left my very own NYC called Jakarta, to Indonesia's very own...Seattle? (abis ujan mulu) known as Bandung with Pedhe and Bangun. There were booze and weeds which I missed very much, Ebonk whom I rarely see these days, dan temen-temen kosannya Bangun yang baik hati. But sadly, after 4 NYEs together, this NYE, genk pecah because Bune and Roz couldn't make it. Take a look at what I wrote exactly a year ago:

"I know I was acting selfish by whining so that I could have the 4 of us together by the big countdown. But hey, you'll never know. Better get together as often as we can while we still can."

So, next year, I'm going to be my whiny-self again, and get the girls together no matter what. I won't accept any more excuses because I can't bear having any more annual events without all three of them around.

Anyway.
Happy New Year 2006!!!

"cos every worthless word we get more far away
and nothing's ever promised tomorrow today
and nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe,
it hurts but it may be the only way"
[Adam Levine]

i was happy to fall

Not too long ago, I couldn't turn on my monitor. I know my computer has been quite fucked up lately, but a monitor that couldn't be switched on??? Wtf. After panicking a bit and sweating like pig, ternyata kabelnya copot dari colokan. Ahahaha, Dono.

Anyway. Here are some pieces of these days.

If mom wasn't around to mock me, I almost cried watching tonight's Desperate Housewives. Tacky, I know. What's even tackier, I did cry my eyes out reading one of the Harry Potter series. And, last week, if Indra and Chichi weren't there to mock me, I definitely would cry watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Such crybaby, I know. But... I'm glad because these days, my reasons to cry are merely movies, books and tv series and not something abstract that usually attacks afterdark.

----------

My teaching days are over... for this year anyway. I've about two weeks off teaching little brats. I should be jumping up and down with glee, but nooo, I also have my assignment piling up. Papers, 5-8 pages, 10 pages, idontknowhowmany pages... Ugh. It's been quite a while since the last time these things bothered me.

----------

Yoyok's back in town! I haven't seen him again, but hearing his sok cool voice on the phone is the reason why I think life's wonderful... besides some shopping I did a few days ago. Heheh.

----------

Trivial note: today last year, was Nilam's surprise party. She had her birthday a day before. As for me, I had butterflies that day. Wasn't that fun? Please3x, someone get me subtitute butterflies, if you know what I mean.

----------

...I can't think of anything to write. See, life, lately, is somewhere between blue skies and colorful flowers and also, nyeh. I don't have anything to do, that's worth writing, I mean. Maybe I'll write a review on 2005 sometime later.

girl, interrupted

You know, on the All-American Rejects' video--dirty little secret--they show these postcards containing people's secrets. And one of them says something like this, I fear I have an undiagnosed mental disease.

And sometimes--just sometimes, bcos the other times I forget what makes me feel this way--I fear the same thing.

so pay me money and take a shot
lead fill the hole in me
i could burst a million bubbles,
all surrogate
--and bulletproof
[radiohead]

single javanese female looking for 24/7 male slave

Here's some updates.

Hm. Lessee, last saturday night I went to my cousin's wedding reception. She's two years older than me. That led to people telling me that in 2 years, it's going to be my turn. Uh-oh. Plus, kalo generasi ketiga dari keluarga Djarot (that'd be mine) diurut-urut dari tua ke muda, after this newly-wed cousin of mine, I'm next! People kept asking, kapan nyusul?

My lord.

So, dear readers (the only two, as a matter of fact), can you find me a back-up plan to fall into when it's time for my wedding bell to ring? I had two back-up plans. First, it's my pact with Yoyok 19 years from now. Second, it's with Adit 9 years from now. Ugh. I prefer Yoyok. Duh, bodohnya pembicaraan ini.

Anyway. If you do decide to get me someone, here are some requirement:
- Can play guitar. Other musical instrument would be a plus point.
- Enjoy playing soccer.
- Can drive.
- Preferably likes dogs, or at least doesn't mind them.
- Cakep/menarik.
- Islam ya insyaAllah.
- He should (choose 1): (a) give his undying love infinitely only for me, or (b) give his unlimited fortune infinitely for me.

----------

Did I tell you that I have a crush on my high-school friend right after I saw him in Ped's NYE'o5 video? Of course I did. If I keep doing this, I'll have a crush on every guy in my year. Tsk tsk.

----------

Anyhoo. My last entry, the one about the one who stood too close? Well, he's practically MIA these days. And when I did find him, it was only a split-second before he was back joined at the hips with ditzy girlfriend. So, no more fun times with him. That's ok. I'm getting tired of telling Pani that he's not that bad everytime she trashed him to death.

----------

New year's coming up. Time to get busy planning?

----------

That's the only update I can think of, Ped. I'll try to write as often as possible deh, biar kau ada bacaan kalo lagi makan gaji buta. Piss v(x_0)v

love is just a game
broken all the same
and i will get over you
love is just a lie
happens all the time
swear i know this much is true
[the magic numbers]

i got the hunger and i can't seem to get full

Omaygad. It's true what Bangun said. I am Monica Geller. For the past 1-2 weeks, I've became a punctuality sucker, a walking organizing machine, and a total control freak for this Festbud thing. Funny thing I don't mind at all. I love doing this. Maybe this is my thing. Maybe I should choose a career path in something to do with events organizing... (but then again, I change my future career option as often as I change my gebetan).

Or maybe... This is just some high talking... You know, from all the testosterones.

and all there's left is the confetti on my hair

Yesterday I turned 21 and the best part is, it was a nice day. 'Okay' days, I've had lots of those. But 'nice' day, is the one that whatever happens, I still feel comfortable inside. The one when I go neurotic, but I still don't want to die OD on the Prozacs.

There was a band audition for the Culturaholic @kansas yesterday. And this kind of thing always meet some obstacles no matter how well you've planned the event.

1. The forgetful boss forgot to bring the guitar and the keyboard.

2. Pak Cecep, the dean, wanted to cut this thing short because we didn't have any legal permission to hold the event.

3. We didn't have the permission letter to hold the event.

4. The lack of time to let all 31 bands + Rinda perform and finish before 6 pm.

5. The rain.

But turned out, things were okay. Although it was 2 hours late, the event still started and Pak Cecep can hide behind his tacky name because Bu Ida (I don't know who she is) allowed us to continue the audition. And thanks to Indro, the time management was back to perfectly fine.

O yeah. The rain. It caused no problem at all. The bands were still playing, and the audience were still listening. Overall the audition went well. The band committee got money from the DUDU and the polling. You can say that it was a success. Thank god. And thank these committee--Sinro, Nilam, Bune, Aiya, Dhista, Heidi, Inro, and Dion. Oyeah, and Sami for being my slave for about 15 minutes. Tunggulah traktiranku minggu depan ;)

Wee! Senangnyaaa...

With all the hecticness, I still managed to go home, take a shower, and go on a birthday dinner with the girls, Bangun and Angga @ Tartine Citos. It'd be better if Ingga, Ebonk and Gibond could join us, but they all got their reasons. Anyways. Tartine was tasty, Bangun and Angga were funny, and the gank was comfy as always.

Aside from the above, these are little things that made my day:

- I turned 21. And I thank god I've changed from the girl who hates her own birthday into a normal person who loves it so much.

- Sinds and some of my classmates decorated the table that I was in with balloons and colorful crepe papers.

- Nils gave me a penguin plush, Sinds gave me a mug and even better, bando yang ada toeng2annya and *ahem* big balls on it xD

- People saying happy birthday.

- Meeting Bapet, whom I rarely see.

- The band audition. Because of it, I could enjoy non-stop music @kansas, be it the good ones or the nauseating j-rock ones. And also, because of it, my campus finally smelled like testosterone with all those guys from the bands. I like it ;9

- Again, the band audition. Who knew, I like working my ass off like yesterday until I forgot to eat and didn't even feel hungry. Also, the trust that people gave to me to handle some things? Liking it!

- People ambushed me with confetti sprays while singing happy birthday.

- Meeting the girls.

- The purple and gold pom-poms that Bangun and Pedhe gave for my birthday.

...Erm, what else. Point is, yesterday's giddiness was all about little things and the unknown x factor. What was it? I don't know, maybe it was just the fact that I was having my birthday. All is sugar and spice and everything nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

However. Today. I had to tell Bangun that his band didn't make it. DARN. Breaking the news to him wasn't supposed to be this hard if only Gibond didn't shower him with exaggerated false hopes before. Ughhh! I dropped the bomb just a minute ago, and Bangun sounded okay. But I can't help feeling guilty (for idontknowwhat) and wanting to cry blood *nangis darah maksudnya, don't take it literally*, and I’m blaming Gibond for it.

"kiss me now that i'm older
i won't try to control ya
friday nights have been lonely
take it slow but don't warn me"
[the strokes]

gimme 1 or 2 or more

If you're wondering what present you should give for my birthday, for christmas, or just to say that you care, take a look at this scrumptious wishlist below:


5. John Mayer. Definitely. A man with puppydog eyes, fine lips, and a guitar; what more could I ask? But I want the pre-chubby, pre-dodgy hair him.


4. Gael Garcia Bernal. I have a whole new respect for che Guevara, wondering if he was as goodlooking as the hot and latino Mr.Bernal. Anyway. Aku suka gigi calingnya.


3. Tom Meighan *the one in the middle*. Frontman of Kasabian, one of the hottest bands ever. He and the way he sings? Epitome of 'sexy'.


2. Tyron Leitso. B class actor, but I became a fan of a cancelled TV show, Wonderfalls, after seeing him in it.


1. Guy Berryman. I have a thing for a man in a band. This one can play bass and looks very very good while doing it.

There you go. Happy hunting!

aku memesan batu di tengah sungai terjal dan deras

During my self-torture aka working on my mid-term paper, I stumbled upon this part of a poem from apparently a famous poet. I just think it's nice & I want to post it here.

Kau entah memesan apa
Tapi kita berdua saja, duduk
Aku memesan rasa sakit yang tak putus
dan nyaring lengkingnya
memesan rasa lapar yang asing itu...
[Sapardi Djoko Damono]

----------

And here's another one from the same poet. A complete one titled Hujan Bulan Juni

Tak ada yang lebih tabah
Dari hujan bulan Juni
Dirahasiakan rintik rindunya
Kepada pohon berbunga itu

Tak ada yang lebih bijak
Dari hujan bulan Juni
Dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya
Yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

Tak ada yang lebih arif
Dari hujan bulan Juni
Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan
Diserap akar pohon bunga itu

Ah, this must be the time when dangdutism is inevitable. Maklumlah, anak sastra...

short pieces

I've reached the peak of my gonggo'ism, because tonight--and that is saturday night, I am here doing my mid-term paper. And sadly, I have no clue what to do with it.

----------

Festbud is coming in less than 3 weeks. And I think everyone in it is about to fall apart any moment. Not me, not now. On the last band meeting, I finally knew what my exact task is. And I'll be having my own...crew. Yeah! Time to boss around! Enaknya jadi senior...

----------

Ramadhan is almost over and there's still no buka puasa angkatan. Owell, I should've agreed to organize it if I want it so bad. Buka puasa genk hasn't happened either, but I think we had enough "get-together" for this month. And as Roz said, "yang penting kebersamaan". So that's ok, I guess.

----------

My birthday is near. I still don't have any idea on how I'll be celebrating it. Supposedly, Festbud band audition will be held on the 11th. But nooo, they...well, we cancelled it because it'll be better if it's on the 10th. Padahal kalo tanggal 11, I was going to make Bapet (his band will be playing) say, "yang ini untuk Runi yang ulangtaun". I was even thinking about making all the band say that. Saaahh! Too bad, too bad.

----------

Teriakan hati teranyar: Aku rindu kepincut. Huh. Tacky but true.

love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt
do you like to hurt?
i do, i do
then hurt me
then hurt me
then hurt me
[Bright Eyes]

Help!

I've managed to get out of work today, saying that I got an extra class this afternoon. When the truth is, I had another Festbud meeting (this time it was only for the, *sing*, "anak baaand"), plus there was this puter film thing called Sinestra 2. And yes, today I chose to deal with stupid adults rather than smart-ass toddlers. For a while, I felt guilty. But heck, I was so relieved that for one friday, I didn't have to run around, separating wrestling little kids.

The meeting went easily well. That's a shocker, no pun intended. Sinestra also went quite well. I felt so tired and couldn't wait til I got home. I'd take a hot bath, lay comfortably on my bed, and surf all the 50-60ish channels on my cable. However, when I got home and stood in front of my bedroom door, guess what I saw. Four of my underaged cousins. Two of them were playing playstation, and the rest were actually wrestling and screaming. One of them is actually around 12, so he's too big to ignore. And I think they're going to spend the night here. S...i...g...h!

Is this some kind of karma for ditching the kids in Chrysolit (the place I work)?

Geek Mode

Ugh. Assignments are piling before my very eyes. And here I am, on friday night--aside from blogging--typing this paper for my film tematis class, while thinking about where I can get sources for my MKI assignment. Blah. World-class geek. And not too long ago Chici called and reported to me that, right now as I write this, she's actually at the buka puasa boxing 70, enjoying the view of the so-called "most handsome" guy in my year.

Darn.

I wish I was her right now.

something strangely familiar

The last quarter of the year is here. The sky looks so gray and cloudy, you think it's going to rain heavily any moment. But sometimes it's not, the clouds just stay up there. The weather is at its strangest state right now. Yeah, here I am, babbling about the weather. My point is...Nothing, I guess. It's just that, this time of the year, I always feel something strangely familiar. Like I know what will happen for the next 2 months--puasa, lebaran, liburan, the girls' birthday, my birthday, new year--when really, not everything can stay the same like before. Things change. Again, my point is...? I lost track somewhere. So I don't know.

Pardon me being weird.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Out from the surrealism, back to reality. Rozelle turned 21 yesterday. She celebrated it @ this Manado restaurant called Cakalang and afterwards we went to Tamani for the cake. It was nice seeing the girls again. Supposedly, we'll see each other again this saturday. Soo, can't wait.

From campus. Nissa's silent treatment is still on. Well, as long as we don't get on each other's nerves, that's okay. Everything else is okay, i think. Oyeah, did I mention that I really, really want to quit this Festbud thingy? But I can't just do that, can I?

Lastly, note-for-self, don't fish for even the least bit of attention if you can't handle it.

and the road travels on
but i'm still near you
in my life, like a song,
i will still hear you
still...

[eskobar, heather nova]

Hey! You, my guiding stars.

Here's an addition to the in-fashion sins list I made about a week ago:
5. Mengharapkan konflik

And that's what I'm doing these days. See, my life lately is just as interesting as root canal. Painfully uninteresting. The conflicts I predicted? Not happening. My intention on snatching someone's boyf? Not feeling like it anymore. Campus life is getting old. O my god, time to recollect my soul. And girls, I need you all to do that! It's been more than a month since our last get-together. Plus, fyi, today is the 16th, the official date for our rapat genk, innit? Thankgod birthdays are coming!

So I hope all of these names,
Putri Prameshwari
Rozelle Ajengsari
Tribuana Puteri,
will show up on at least one of these upcoming dates: 18, 22, 05, 11. Seriously. Rozelle asked me yesterday, "Run, genk kita pecah ya?". And although I'm a sucker for sins, I don't do the in-fashion #5 sin with you girls. Sa'elah...

Okie, for those whose names are written above, see you soon!

when everything you own is lost
and every friendship has its cost
your rolling stone has gathered moss

and all your clouds cover the sun
and all your karma has undone
remember you're my number one.
[teenage fanclub]

my new favorite on cartoon network

"What are you doing? Trying to scare me to me?"
-Grim Reaper to Billy when he came out of nowhere and made Grim jump off his seat.

Runi, Ratu D...Drama.

These are four current biggest sins according to moi. Not deadly, but they're definitely in fashion:
1. Su'uzon
2. Mengumbar harapan
3. Mencari kesalahan orang
4. Mencari alasan

I did number three. I've been the queen of cranky since this morning. It was even hard to fake smiles, and I couldn't even stop my facial expression from showing total annoyance. I look for faults in people and yet, I tried my ass off not to snap at people. And then, about 10-15 minutes before I left that hell hole called UI, someone triggered me into a total outburst. Supposedly, the ones who saw me breaking down were just Nilam, Pani, and Bune. And the only one who heard me yelling the most horrific things was Bune. But then words were quickly carried around by the hot summer wind. Sind knows, Nand texted me to say sorry, and the latest is, Imel also apologized. When really, none of them is actually the object of my uncontrollable rage. Hahah. I caused quite a stir there, huh? Was that it? The conflict I've been hoping to happen? Masih kurang aksi sih.

All of this kinda scares me. I'm scared the evil, bite-people's-head-off-with-words me is back =s

Put me down and call it fate.

With my teaching job, I've to work my ass off to manage my schedule. I still go to the campus (although I don't necessarily go to the classes), I still go out and play with my friends, I still share a few gossips with people in kansas, I still watch my favorite TV shows, I still talk to my mom and play with Chichi; so I figured something's gotta give. And that something is my beauty rituals. I've overgrown my bangs, pimples start to show up, my skin has gotten darker over the past 1 month when I actually prefer my lobster-red shade, and my eyebrows take a journey back in time when Brooke Shield was the fashion guru. I guess that explains why I've never seen any teacher turning into a supermodel.

Anyway. Tomorrow's the 1st day of Ramadhan. But I'm somehow sensing tensions all around (well, in my campus actually). Conflicts are definitely lurking in the shadow. Well, good. More drama to watch. Tee-hee.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Something weird just occured. See, I was chatting nonchalantly with Sindro, when suddenly she casually mentioned his name in a casual sentence. For a splitsecond my inside skipped a beat, and the other half of the second, it started to beat so fast. In my case, that's normal. But the weird thing is, my eyes went glassy. I didn't even feel like crying. I wasn't sad. I'm still not. But there I was, with glassy eyes and so many tummy butterflies I couldn't sit still. Weird.

Run, run like the wind
Don't wait for a thing
There is nothing here for you
But if you stay
Well then let me say
I'll go out of my way for you
[s.fretwell]

Thought of the Day

Would I be so wrong if I want to snatch someone else's boyfriend, make him leave his girlfriend, and then maybe ditch him cold? It's not that I will do those--I don't know how, but I just want to. I really really want to. That's like, #1 on my want-to-do list.

-------------------------------------

Okay, now here's a rundown on lately:

+ This week there was this Festbud pre-event called Culturaholic or Sinestra or whatever those indecisive committee wanted it to be. Unlike always, I worked quite hard. I think. Yeah. And so the ones who got the job done were the ones from english dept, twothousandandtwo. Keluarlah keahlian anak inggris yang paling top, bitchin. Lalu datanglah panitia-panitia danus--yang kayaknya kerjaannya cuma pacaran bukannya nyebar proposal, swallowing their own pride and apologizing to us. Ha ha! *Nelson Muntz' style* Ah segar rasanya berada di atas angin.

+ One of my friend, Nisa, got mad at me over practically nothing earlier today. After she left my table angrily, Nilam and I talked to Monik and came clean with our feeling towards Nisa. We haven't met again since then. Ah! Drama, drama, drama. Me love it!

+ You know what, there are other thoughts here inside this small head of mine, but the words just won't come out. So see you later.

Click and Clack

to visit any country in the world:
// Amerika dong! *norak*

to buy any car:
// Mini Cooper olweys.

to eat any cake:
// I really want to try Harvest's Rainbow Cheesecake.

to go to any amusement park in the world:
// Disneyland, standarlah.

to sing any song on a stage with
thousands people
watching you:
// Inside and Out.

to pick any guy/girl to be your
boy/girlfriend:
// Guy Berryman.

to meet any one in the world:
// Guy Berryman.

to build any house in the world:
// Rumah cinta di hatimu. Hohoho noraknyaa.

to kick any one:
// Beberapa panitia Festbud.

to kiss any one:
// Right now? Kau yg kalo ngomong suka deket2.

to kill any one:
// None.

to hate any one:
// None. It's way too tiring.

to say "I love you" to any one:
// Ntar aja ya bilangnya, 5 secs before I die.

to say "mianhae" (sorry) to any one:
// Bahasa apaan tuh?? No one.

to treat any one:
// No money no dong, no one.

to marry any one:
// Maybe later, gue mau kerja di deplu dulu.

to live anywhere in the world:
// NYC

to buy any thing:
// Jaket Zara 1.250.000 yg SUWER akan kupakai tiap hari kalau kupunya.

to work in a company:
// Yang menjamin dan menyenangkan.

to do anything challenging:
// Nothing major. Mau ngganggu iman seseorang aja. Or maybe ruin something...

Take something else.

Last night, I had a dream. In this dream, I dreamed that he--Mr.Namal--wanted to cut my feet or legs (I'm not sure, pokoknya "kaki") off and take them with him. Weird.

What do you need my feet/legs for, huh?

Say, I'll give you my feet/legs, if you give me your head first.

Ooh, creepy *gothic mode: ON*

So Hard To Think

The so-called Batalyon Reunion went pretty good. More people than the usual get-together. My hectic hours paid off. Details later, maybe.

Funny how time can practically stop at one point, and fly by so fast like there's no tomorrow at another.

"It's so hard to think, It ends sometime
And this could be the last
I should really hear you sing again "
[The Cure]

So long, long days.

Today is *finally* the last day of my short semester. I'll be back studying english lit on the 29th this month, sooo...Hello, 2 weeks hols? Not really, next week I'll be inevitably pulling my teeth out and stressing over the administration thing. Mading's deadline next week, and oh yeah, I still have to act like I care about Festbud.

Actually, come to think of it, that's ok. Yeah, come to think of it, I can't wait for time to pass by. The sooner tomorrow comes, the better. Bune will be home the day after tomorrow. That's a good thing. And, maybe going back to my hectic campus won't be so bad. I know by then I'll be pulling (this time it's my) hair out and stressing over my piling homework; but, eh, at least I'll have something to do. And when I stay longer in campus, I'll see some faces--those familiar strangers--rather than just vacant spaces.

So, it's been nice, but hey, it's almost time to pack up, mr.Holiday.

1 in 2, and growing

Yesterday, I spent 2 hours watching every infotainment on every local channel. I don't normally do this, but lately I've been following the news about Tamara Blezynski and her nearly-crumbling marriage. I know I am so pembantu-slash-ibu rumah tangga for getting so carried away in this local celebrity gossip. But I'm just curious, when you have a spouse as beautiful as Tamara or as scrumptiously handsome as her husband--Rafli, what kind of problem that is too big to be solved that can make you decide to give up on your marriage? I mean, the beauty isn't only skin deep here. I don't know those guys but from what I've seen, they're good people, they cherish their family so much, and they have a strong faith towards their religion. Plus, they say they still love each other, so what could possibly be the problem here? It's not a third-person case either. I mean, you should've seen it yourself, you'll know what I mean. I'm just curious here.

With this kind of issue around, am I wrong to have less and less faith in a big mumbo-jumbo called marital institution?

I tried to kill the time, but it has nine lives.

This is how jobless I am these days. I once posted this entry not too long ago [feb 7th], and *tada* here I am, posting it again. Okie, here goes.

Step 1: Open your Winamp or other MP3 player.
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: Write down the first 25 songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 4: Wait for complaints about the esoteric nature of your mp3s.

1. Saybia - The Day After Tomorrow
Simple, sad, a bit nyenye. It's one of my personal favorite though. Once there was a time when the lyrics couldn't be more true.

2. Marcy Playground - Comin' Up From Behind
One of those keren songs. And one of those songs that make me assume the frontman is sexy without having to see his face.

3. Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
An all-time favorite. Whenever I hear it again after a long time, it always reminds me of my senior year. And that's not a bad thing. "Come see what we all talk about/People moving to the moon/Stop baby don't go stop here/Never stop living here"

4. Shawn Mullins - Lullaby
A bit country-ish. With the artist telling a story instead of singing it. But it's nice. And sometime, stupidly, it can be my assurance that everything's gonna be alright.

5. Unwritten Law - Seeing Red
Mediocre, a bit unknown rock band? Wait, what happens here? Is my playlist swarmed with songs from my senior year? Think so. I give it a "so-so" rate. "Now it's time to make a choice/And all I wanna hear is your voice."

6. Evan & Jaron - The Distance
Eeek, yes, they're the guys who sang for Dawson's Creek soundtrack. A little corny, but sweet. "I can't take the time until the next time I see you smile."

7. Goo Goo Dolls - Slide
Also an all-time favorite. One of those catchy rock songs. And it has the sweetest lyrics ever! "I wanna wake up where you are/I won't say anything at all" and "What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful." Aww, isn't it?

8. Maroon 5 - Must Get Out
One of the nice songs from those dandy guys. "This city's made us crazy and we must get out." Yes, indeed.

9. Slank - Jakarta Pagi Ini
One of a few touching songs from Slank. It has a calming tunes, but depressing lyrics. "Aku di sini/Oh sepi/Tempatku bukan di sini/Jakarta pagi ini" Yeah, right on!

10. Damien Rice - Lonelily
Beautiful tunes, soothing. I still haven't figured out what it's about though.

11. Duncan Sheik - Wishful Thinking
Another all-timer. I like the lyrics. Hit too close. "Will it ever be anything more than wishful thinking"

12. Hometown Heroes - Eighteen
Another senior year song. Another so-so, but still...

13. Aqualung - Strange & Beautiful
It's beautifully killing. The tunes, the lyrics...Kill, kill, kill!

14. Eve 6 - Here's To The Night
I used to think this song was a, well, cheap song. Not anymore. It's sad. "Don't let me let you go" *sob*

15. Ant & Dec - Falling
Ahahahah, I know. But I like those guys. And I particularly like this song, although it screams "corny" from every angle.

16. Victor Malloy - Boys Don't Cry
Yes, it's The Cure cover. But unlike the original version, this one isn't upbeat. In fact, it's so mellow, it'd be a bit hard not to cry.

17. Aqualung - Brighter Than Sunshine
After Strange and Beautiful, finally this guy gets his share of happiness. Simple but very, very sweet words! "Give me your hand and you will see/Your heart is keeping time with me"

18. Turin Brakes - Painkiller
Nice. Nothing significant, though.

19. David Gray - This Year's Love
Sweet lyrics, killing tunes. Good for those cold nights.

20. Beach Boys - Don't Worry Baby
Happy-go-lucky, retro, typical Beach Boys. But really, it can make you stop worrying about something. "Don't worry, baby/Everything will turn out alright"

21. Modest Mouse - Float On
Another calming and yet, keren song.

22. John Mayer - Gone
N*Sync cover. Supposed to be cool, but it's like, 95% of John babbling, and the singing is only 5%. Someone has to stop his mouth one day. Talking of which, have you seen him lately? His hair grows longer. Not good. Pity, he used to look so good.

23. Feist - Inside And Out
An old Beegees' song. I like Feist' voice better though. This is my current I-can't-stop-singing-it song.

24. Natasha Bedingfield - These Words
Ah ini baru aib! But I like it, it's one happy song. Besides, it reminds me of the time when I realized I was still capable of liking someone else other than...someone.

25. Alpha - Sometime Later
Sad. Sad. Sad. If I'm not mistaken, this is the soundtrack of My Life Without Me that I watched a few days ago. Don't know what it's about, point is, it's hidup segan mati tak mau kind of song.

I'm no expert in art, but I know I love Shan Michael Evan's. I hope he doesn't mind me putting one of his artwork and link here. I think this one is called, Confusion is a sad thing.

Ma Vie Sans Moi

I just watched this movie called My Life Without Me. Seriously, that is the saddest movie ever! A truly tearjerker. It tells a story about a woman who conceals her terminal illness to make the most of her dying days. This is embarassing, but there I was, crying my eyes out like a housewife who cries during those hallmark movies. Actually the movie is beautiful for those who like drama. Plus, I love Mark Ruffalo and of course Scott Speedman is always good to look at. However, trust me, when the sun is hiding behind the gray clouds and you're home alone without anything to do, I don't recommend this movie; especially if you're looking for something entertaining.

Anyway, after watching it, I came across this one question. No it's not the pitiful question of "Would anyone miss me when I die?", but,

What my life would be without me?

Would anything change? By "change" here, I meant something big. Not just my-room-would-be-vacant-without-me kind of change. Yeah, would anything change? Would anyone change? Like, would mom keep on staying in this house although it'd be too big for just a few people. Or would Nilam stay all day long at kansas without me to accompany her idle afternoon when her boyf is out gambling. And if I could know about my death beforehand, what would I do? What would I say to people? You know, death is one scary thing to face but it's an interesting issue to wonder about. It'd be so interesting to be able to look down on your life when you're not in it, huh? Not that I'm asking for it. I was going to write down the Things to do before I die list, but see, I already missed The Simpsons today and Picture Perfect is coming up on TV in about 15 minutes. I don't want to miss anymore good show on TV.

Hahah, listen to me, one couch potato slash TV addict. I hope I'm not dying soon.

Let's take a little walk back

Today in the History

2001 I got jealous from seeing Jefta's SMS for Palupi which had him asking if she wanted to be his girlfriend.

2004 I was busy thinking about the difference between love and obsession.

Blah. I don't actually have anything significant to post, that's why I went to my old journals for an entry (or some) to post. By the way, isn't it funny when you read something that happened years ago, like above. Jefta. Ahahah. The one who constantly made my day back then. Little did I know, he was the king of gombalisme.

Enough reminiscing, let's recap.

Friday to Saturday I stayed at Nandia's place in Sentul with some of my classmates. It supposed to be fun, but I was sick the 1st day I got there. I had this throbbing headache and there was no Panadol merah. Didit wasn't helping when he forgot to buy one at the mini market. So I gulped Neozep instead and it didn't help. So there I was, laying around all day with my eyes glued to the TV screen because I couldn't move my head without killing it slowly. By the time the drug kicked in, everyone was ready to go to sleep (some of them were already asleep!). Boo. The next day, very very early in the morning, everyone was ready to go home. Darn headache.

Yesterday I was supposed to call Ebonk to have my computer fixed. But I somehow forgot to call. Smart. Besides, I told him I'd be free saturday and he didn't call, so I assumed he had other thing to do. Speaking of him, he offered me and Pedhe to go to this beach--I can't remember what it's called, so that I wouldn't get upset about this Bali-is-off thing. I kind of turned down the offer, saying I'm not upset. Besides Bali was the beach I had in mind, not some other. But anyway, that was so nice of him, don't you think? Maybe it seems like nothing, but I think it was a supernice gesture and is worth-writing.

Chichi stayed over last night. Uw, I like having her around. Yesterday I helped her making pom-poms. Yes, it brought back the memory of aching fingers from cutting all those crepe papers. And earlier today she had this cheerleading competition to celebrate the oh-so-important event, Ulang Tahun Makro that is. Oh, I was so proud that she has grown to become a pompom-waving girl like I did xD I woke up early this morning to watch her perform. Then out of the blue mom said she had this important business to do first. Voila, I was late. Anyway, I miss my cheerleading days. Hahah. Back from Makro, Chichi and I secretly took pictures of ourselves wearing our cheerleader uniforms just for fun. Omaygad, it was awful. The red-purple combination? I can't believe I used to jump around in those colours. Plus, the skirt wouldn't fit me anymore! Conclusion made, I've made a new, flabby friend over the years called FAT.

Yawn. Me wanna watch TV. So, wait for more updates about my holiday which doesn't feel too much like one.

Summer rain, drifting down your face again,
Summer rain praying someone feels the same,
Take the painkiller, cycle on your bicycle
Leave all this misery behind
[Turin Brakes]

missing

I had lunch with Myra and Dhiska yesterday. They were my best friends back in elementary and junior high school. At first I was so reluctant to go because the meeting time was so early; plus, It's been a while, I was afraid we wouldn't have anything to talk about. But I went anyway, and it wasn't bad at all. It was very nice seeing them. We were catching up about everything and everyone we know. Seeing them made me want to see my other friends. Yeah, all in all I was glad I went to see them. If only Bune could come.

This afternoon, I went grocery shopping with Mom @ Hero PIM. Guess whom I ran into. Dad, with darling wife and Riri of course. We didn't have a decent hello-plus-mwahmwah. I & mom were on our way upstairs, they were on their way downstairs. So we just exchanged surprised looks, smiles, and waving hands. Of course, everyone was to proud to go after the other to say hi. Ugh, weird. Honestly, seeing them, I was a bit jealous and thinking, that should've been me. And mom. I haven't seen dad in a while, then *bam* there he was and I didn't even get a kiss from him. Darn.

Well, I guess sometimes you never realize how much you miss someone until you see them again.

Quick note

Lookie, new layout. Quite bright, huh? I think it'll be a nice change from my usual pitch black. I was thinking about making this blog public, but then I realized there are some things that are better kept to myself and maybe a reader or two.

Anyway.
The government make a new regulation, all TV broadcast should go off air at 1 am. Great. What should a nocturnal girl like me do in the wee hours then? Darn. Thank god tonight Cici stays over. I'm a bit jumpy these days, and Cici just told me a spooky story. Well, I have to go back to my convo with her. We have to talk some more to drown the ghost story. Dammit.

Today's irrelevant meaningful message:
Kuliahlah yang benar dan lancar!

Yeah.

Final Exam Week Syndrome

I have flu, that explains my runny nose and my nasal voice. My lips are all dry and chapped. The skin on my face is all peeled due to dr.titi's creams and it hurts so much my face is burning. I'm having my dear period. I sweat a lot but I feel cold. Eugh. Those among other things.

It's one of those days when I wish I had stayed in bed.

..my suicide rope..

=)

That's for the last few days that have been so pleasant.

=) =)

Those are for the fact that mr.dogol drove me home yesterday.

x) x) x)

Those are for the way mr.dogol waved bye to me this afternoon. Unsignificant and unimportant, but sweet.

I've wrote the whole, long story about lately earlier. But blogger.com messed up and lost a big part of my entry. So...For today, that's about it.

li'l note

For Ped and Roz, if you read this...
Thanks for the evening! I was missing you guys so much lately, sosomuchyoudontknowhowmuch, it hurt. Ahahah, noraknya gua memang. But that just the way it is. Senangnyaaaa gua jumpa dengan kaliaan!!! Lovya mwah-mwah deh!!!

Oya, Bun, I love you too! x)

Voodoo Girl

Her skin is white cloth
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.

She has a set
of hypno-disk eyes
the ones that she uses
to hypnotize guys.

She has many different zombies
who are deeply in her trance.
She even has a zombie
who was originally from France.



But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets
too close to her,

the pins stick farther in.



[taken from The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and other stories by Tim Burton]

But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
Oh, I want to catch you
[sixpence none the richer]

nagging and a bit narcissistic Q of the day

Why do you want the moon when you can get the brightest star around?

a rushed rush

let's fly
hit the sky line
of swirls and curls
of grass and wine

of beads, daisies, smokes,
of alcohol and jokes
of butterflies, your smile, my frown
whichever--stay, don't let me drown.

step 1 in stupidity

Infatuated.

Just because of one smile.

Stupid.

when you have nothing better to do

Step 1: Open your Winamp or other MP3 player.
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: Write down the first 25 songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 4: Wait for complaints about the esoteric nature of your mp3s.

1. Slank - Terlalu Manis
One of Slank's best ones. Can't help thinking about a friend and her one moment in time ;p I personally don't have any sweet memory whatsoever nor anything more to say about this song. I just think it's that good for a local song.

2. Weezer - Keep Fishin' (demo)
Supernice. Just like other Weezer's songs. I love the video even more, with Kermit and Ms.Piggy and the rest of the gang. It's just the thought of you in love with someone else...

3. Coldplay - Moses
There are better days for these guys. But I do have one favorite line: "like moses had power over sea. so you've got a power over me."

4. The Cure - Cut Here (acoustic)
Good song, dunno what it's about. I also don't know the lyric. I just know the repetitive "I miss you" somewhere near the end, and the haw-inducing "if only is a wish too late". Interesting fact: Cut Here is an anagram for The Cure.

5. Travis - Writing to Reach You
I just listened to this song recently (I got these mp3 songs from Ebonk). Nice. Yeah, so-so. The common nature of Travis.

6. James Iha - No One's Gonna Hurt You
Also discovered this song just recently, but already, I love it. Sure, there might be a little lacking of creativity in the lyric dept, but it's nice to listen to it in the wee hours, when it's raining outside. My favorite.

7. Smashing Pumpkins - Today
Today is the greatest day I've ever known. Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long. Dunno why it still reminds me of one of my unimportant "greatest days".

8. Pearl Jam - Better Man
One of the so-so good songs. However I loved this song so much back in elementary school...Or was it junior high?

9. Smashing Pumpkins - Farewell and Goodbye
I don't know this song. But it's slow and good enough for those merenung times. The title somehow intrigues me...So, I like it.

10. The Cure - Killing an Arab
I don't get the song and I don't like it either. And I know it's kinda racist, but the title cracks me up xD

11. Sixpence None the Richer - I Need Love
Time for guilty-pleasures-confession: I like some of their songs. Including this one. I even bought the soundtrack of the crappy Here on Earth to get this song.

12. Dewa 19 - Aku di Sini Untukmu
Like it. If you watch the video now, it'll definitely look crappy and cheap. But back in the days when I adored these guys, I enjoy watching the video. Tamara Blezinski looked great as always in it.

13. Radiohead - Let Down
A good song to listen to when I snuggle by myself beneath my blanket.

14. Weezer - o Girlfriend
It's okay. Reminds me of senior year and Oho. Random fact: I just found out that Weezer has a song called O Lisa? I definitely will make a song called O Slowdown ;D

15. Ben Folds Five - Bricks
I'm a sucker for this kind of song! The song that can make you go bengong and want to hug the pillow as tight as you can.

16. Third Eye Blind - Palm Reader
Although I claimed to be 3rd Eye Blind's fan, this is my 1st time listening to this song. Too upbeat-y. Don't like it.

17. Placebo - Ask for Answers
First time also. Not bad.

18. Counting Crows - Sullivan Street
Another 1st time. Nice. Liking the piano sound, and of course the voice of the vocalist (what his name, what his name?? Adam something..?). Really nice, seriously.

19. Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight (reprise)
Did you see those lips playing the guitar at the prom? xD Hahah, sorry, can't help it. The song itself is beautiful and magical. However this version is less magical, but still..beautiful.

20. Muse - Muscle Museum
Pedhe introduced me to this song. I used to think that Muse is short for MUscle muSEum. Hahah. I love the intro so much and the "I don't want you to adore me, don't want you to ignore me".

21. Incubus - Are You In
I love this song. I love the video. I love Brandon Boyd in the video. And I love the "tsk tsk, ahh" part so much.

22. Oasis - Sunday Morning Call
I almost forgot about this song. Typical Oasis for me. I can like it so much sometimes, and I can get so bored with it some other times.

23. Dave Matthews Band - Space Between
Like I said, sucker for this kind of song! Better served with some rain outside.

24. Foo Fighters - Walking After You
Mellow. Just like I like it. Things just won't do without you, matter of fact.

25. Dewa - Kosong
I love and hate this song. I think it's been on my list of personal favorites for a tad too long.

-------------

Turns out, nothing that embarassing, huh? Thanks to Ebonk who supplied me with decently good songs.

you remain, turned away. turning further everyday.

The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place, an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face

I just made love with your sweet memory
One thousand times in my head
You said you loved it more than ever
You said

You remain, turned away
Turning further every day

I talked for hours to your wallet photograph
And you just listened
You laughed enchanted by my intellect
Or maybe you didn't

You remain, turned away
Turning further every day

Do you believe what I sing now?
[weezer]

I need my hair just like Samson did.

Helloo. Thought I'd write something here. Lessee...

I and Pedhe finally went to Bandung by train last thursday! By train! We survived. Hahaha. We got excited and got very norak on the train. Then there was Bandung. It was fun! Bangun, Ebonk, Ingga, boozeweedmushroom, karaoke lounge, bowling alley, stars, and city lights. It was all good. Too bad, the inevergohometojakarta lanky guy was indeed going back to Jakarta the day we arrived. Blaah. Anyway, we went back to Jakarta on saturday and we headed straight to Rosel's. Bune was already there, and we were having a sleepover. Days surrounded by loved ones. How nice.

Aside from above, I guess no more worth-telling stuff. Heck, worth-telling or not, I'm still gonna write it down.

I so miss my long hair!

I want my long hair back. I know back then it often looked like a mess and I ended up putting it in a ponytail, but...I miss having something falling on my shoulder. I miss having something flowy and girly. Ack. It'll be a long, long waiting to do.

Here, take a look.


See, something flowy..



Even these look girl-like



I didn't mind cutting it short



But how did it turn into these??!

I know when my hair does grow back, I'll have the urge to cut it short. But right now, I want my long hairrr!!! *whiny*

People...They always want what they don't have.

.the best days you can get.

*ahem* Don't mind that boozehead below.

I don't have the energy to recap the NYE. So I'll keep it nice and short. I tried to smoke a cigarette right when the year turned. I was singing with some people to Mugho's guitar-playing. I remember wearing a pair of really dark sunglasses around the house so I didn't have to deal with sunlight. Then there was the morning ice cream. I remeber feeling okay and having fun.

I remember NOT wanting to sleep, bcos I'll never know if in a year or two from now I'll still have the friends and fun I have right now. Really, you'll never know. So I tried to stay awake as long as I can, and I'm glad that I did.

I had fun. Time for new year's speech...PedBunRos, love you bcos you're always there from time to time. From one NYE to another. I know you probably had someplace else to go (Bun: Syarif's friend's party, Rosel:..er, home?); and I know I was acting selfish by whining so that I could have the 4 of us together by the big countdown. But hey, you'll never know. Better get together as often as we can while we still can.

For the rest of last night's guests, thanks for still coming. Thanks for being the most pleasant and lovely bunch of jokers a girl could have. Love you all! And that would be Ebonk, Bangun, Jaya, Mugho, Eblack, Syarif, Maria, Wahyu...Did I leave out someone? All in all, happy newy people!

-------------

"Dan aku .. ingin selalu kau sentuh
Karna kamu
Yang bisa menyelamatkanku
Cuma kamu
Yang mampu mengendalikan aku"
[slank] xD

..despite everything..

theres always someone there

but overall im happy, and gratful...ive survived, here's 2005. and everythings gonna be ok. they all say that. evrythings gonna be ok. believe in that. love you all. happy new year. i am okay! x)

2oo5~

here i am, NYE'05...in peds house with a spliff in my hand...hahaha...everyone is sleeping. the loves f my life is sleeping. bunepdross. my god. even syarif is too. maria and jaya doing whatever they do. dammit i cant think right now. shit. ive smoked like tons of spliffs, but i cant sleepp. dammit. cant stop smpoking,,,i hv to do something. anythinggg. everyoen cant sleeppp, i dont want them to. but i cant wake anyone. dmmitt, help me pleasee. pls save me. fuck you. fuckin save me! im tireddd.. it's 5 oclock and im stupid.

wait,ebonk bghn eblek and ...who2....ooo mugho are still awake. theyre playing cardss. damitt

you were here fuck you. you were fun. i wanna sleep but i cnt. happy new year bytheway people. love you all. ive been love you all since forver..time to go out.

plaYed cards just then. pls dont go people, no more.

let dowwn..thanks mr york for singing it.

..throwing useless memorabilia away..

I should be doing my assignment right now. But godknows I can only work under pressure. Since the pressure isn't high enough right now, so here I am, babbling. And oyeah, I can't open Friendster.com. That should be a good thing, but just like a car accident, you can't help checking it out everytime you can.

Anywayss...New year's eve is coming up. I (and the others) still haven't got the slightest fuck where we will be spending the evening. I guess it's just not the same when I (or my party planner partners) aren't directly involved. I miss the decision making, the last-minute preparation, and the ego-satisfying feeling knowing you & your posse own the party. But somehow I'm not in the mood for making efforts anymore.

...I had no idea the few weeks before NYE could be so boring.

I guess things are changing. That's another issue for me lately. Things are changing, some people aren't around anymore, and...yeah, those stuff. Damn people and their "own" lives. I can't think of any right now, but there are many reasons why I'm feeling like this. Like getting these hints to move on (from whatever that is), to let go and stop dreaming (of whatever that is). Damn, I can't believe now I'm trying to write my nagging thoughts down, my head goes blank. Maybe I'll be back when I have my thoughts sorted out. All I know is, things are just not as "lucu" as they used to.

"Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly"
[the killers]

..I just know I'm so lonely..

I've been waiting for you to call me, been waiting for the time of my life
I just know I'm so lonely here without you...
I've been needing the truth to enlight me, been waiting in vain or in lies?
I just know I'm so lonely here without you...

Cause I'm ready to play now, love strikes, calling me back again
I'm ready to play now...
Cause I'm ready to play now, love strikes, calling me back again
I'm ready to play now...

Now I won't be waiting for you to to call me, not waiting for the rest of my life
Now I must let go of these feelings and make it without you
Now I won't be letting the doubt in to stall me, I just have to get on with my life
And hopefully soon I won't be thinkin about you

Cause I'm ready to play now, love strikes, calling me back again
I'm ready to play now...
Cause I'm ready to play now, love strikes, calling me back again
I'm ready to play now...

Dying here without you...

Think I was looking for trouble
Think I was looking for home in a foreign land
Think I was caught in a bubble
Now I think it's time to reach the right hand

[eskobar]

..this time when flashes come..

Hello, it's been another while huh? Here I am, back again in front of some sight-wrecking monitor, writing things. Nothing new since the last I came here. I'm still under the boredom attack which feels worse now. To make things even worse, my computer broke down and its connection to the internet...godknows what happens to it. *Fyi, now I'm at my mom's office.

Ugh! I feel like getting the hell out of here! Here where? Here, my life, these routines, these days...I'M BORED! Nothing's exactly wrong, but that's it--nothing exactly happens. Shouldn't this time of the year be the time when it gets full of festivity and joy? Now I feel anything but. It's like there's this big void inside..It's like my surroundings suddenly become empty and awfully quiet. Crap, I dunno.

Dammit! I feel like spitting these words out instead of smiles, but I can't. What is happening to me?? Owell, maybe it's just my over-dramatizing alter-ego takes over myself due to my hormonal imbalance with my period and all.

Can someone give me a lifetime supply of Prozac? If not, then, excpect to hear some more.

"Never going to reach my goal
I know ’cos I have been told
Never finding happiness
Eternally in unrest
This is where the love lies
I’ve seen to the other side
It’s always been just out of reach
Yeah but always just within my sight"
[ash]

sometimes a month is too long for a start

Been quite a while, huh? Due to some demand, here I am..writing in this blog once again. It's been..what, a month...since the last I let out some ramblings.

So, here goes,

On saturday the 6th, Oho, the girls and I held this "buka puasa angkatan" at Oho's apt. Going hectic on the last minutes, draining our wallets for a short-notice reservation fee, and inviting people, of course. However, somewhat predictably, the guests were only about a half of our invitation list. Well I guess you can't expect every single person to be "asik", can you? >=p But it was still great. I don't need the whole--quote unquote--angkatan to have fun. Plus, that was one more event that can be added to our resume as the so-called party-planners xD

Next, following Rosel, now all BunePedhe & I have turned 20. The big two-oh! However, despite my fear since forever...on the day I turned 20, I looked into the mirror, and it was still a pleasant view to see. It still is xD So I guess 20hood is okay. Quick recap on my birthday: Went to Dixie Kemang for dinner with the girls, Ebonk, Bangun and Gibond. Later that night, went for a dose of Starbucks in Citos (Ped's treat) and then Ingga came by. It was always hilariously fun being with those bunch. The girls, the loveable Ingga, BangunEbonk and their neverending cheap jokes, and even Gibond was behaving nicely. Thank God.

Finally, the latest "event" I've gone to is Anyer. As a closure for the very short Lebaran holiday, I agreed to go to Anyer (or was that Carita?) with the guys. The only girls who came were me & Pedhe. The line-up: Ebonk, Bangun, Gibond, Chirul, Jikun, Rhino, Andi, Jaya, and Ebonk's friend--Ikhsan. Despite me struggling to survive for 3 whole days with the kinda-ick bathroom there, it was a great holiday...Kinda. The upsides: the road trip in one car with PedBgnBonk. There never was a dull moment. Then I was taught to gamble. Hahah, you'll never know when you're gonna need this kind of ability, right? And then there was the booze. After what seemed like years not touching those bottles, I drank again there. It was good for a while; it was like it was my 1st time again xD However, here comes the downside: I got nausea (sp?) and I had to throw up in that icky bathroom. Ugh. My head was spinning all night and all through the morning. I dare to say that I won't touch booze again for at least...dunno, until NY's eve...? xp

Okay, there goes, the stories from this past 1 month. In betweens there were Bune & Rosel's birthday dinner (+coffee), Lebaran, and some more things.

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I now hang out more in my campus, although it's dead boring. And I don't wanna go home bcos it's even more boring...like a tomb! So voila, boredom attack. Somebody, please, take me out of heeeere! xP

"My shadow's only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Til then I walk alone"
[green day]