this is how it works, you're young until you're not

Just three hours ago I signed my working contract with Wanita Indonesia. Yes, the tabloid I mentioned in my last entry. My tummy's churned, I'm committed.

Just three days ago I was sitting in an IT company's meeting room--up there on the 7th floor, with a big window and tall buildings as its view. And I was thinking about giving up my idealistic dream of working in a media, learning my brain out about IT and eLearning and such, and becoming a power-suit-wearing corporate slave. IF, they want to hire me.

However, that's bye-bye now. At least for the next 6 months.

I really hope this will go well. The last 2 days has been a nervous-fest for me. I have to socialize, and so far so good in that department. I work with an all-boys team, that's a plus. But there's this girl who looks like she won't look at my direction and I'm afraid she hates me. And another girl who looked at me funny when I said I wanted to make a cup of coffee just minutes ago. What?

O my. I start thinking too much.

My boss isn't here yet and it's almost lunch time now and I don't have anything to do. Crap. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the lazy days, if only I had someone to talk to. AND if only those girls I mentioned above didn't keep passing me by on their way to the kitchen.

*major sigh*

Maybe I'll be back in an hour or so.

i hear in my mind all this music and it breaks my heart

Happy belated Valentine's Day!

By the way, I spent the 14th with my ex. Hahahah. He invited me to go play at his house. And yes, like Nilam said, how very anak SD of him, ngajaknya main. It wasn't bad though, we talked, he curhat-ed about people and I gossiped about people, and I got to draw creatures and he said he'd put it on his wall... It wasn't bad, but it was somewhat weird and I kept on feeling like bolting out of there ASAP and seeing my friends.

Which I did. See my friends, I mean. Geng Suril plus Tisam and Nand's boyf got together for a while at Kansas. Too bad Nandia didn't stay that long because, I'm not sure, either a plan with her mom or a Valentine's day plan with boyfriend. But that's ok, namanya juga lagi anget-angetnya, ya gak? Anyway, I, NilSindTis went karaoke-ing later on. I've always thought karaokeing is fun, but what's even more fun is dancing the songs away! Eheheh.

So, yesterday was OK and yet, tiring.

As for today, I had to wake up early because I had this writing test and an interview for one of the local tabloids. This certain tabloid isn't really my thing, but I really have to have a job (let's not ever go back to those last seven words again) and I have to start somewhere. I hope I did well on the test and I hope I've dazzled the interviewer with my charm. Ahahah.

On my way home, the cab driver kept on making conversation that sometimes felt like a debate session and asking me questions about education, journalism, job fields, economy, local policemen, and our country basically, that required me twisting my brain out so that I could give the whatsoundedlike-best answers. Weird. And tiring. It felt like I was being interviewed twice today.

As for the random stuff:

Back then when the movie Moonlight Mile was playing on theaters, there was this song that was played during its trailer, and I never knew what song it was. I had checked the movie soundtracks and listened to each song, but I couldn't find it. One day, it was played at the Starbucks and I even pushed myself to ask the mas-mas Starbucks what song that was. But of course the stupid mas-mas didn't know. Anyvaaaay. Now, years later, I found out what song that was. It was Elton John's Someone Saved Me Tonight. Now that I've heard the whole song, I don't even like it that much, I just like the ending (the part they played for the movie trailer). But mygod, it's so satisfying to finally find out something like this. Next task, that "superglue" song, Dro.

Random things #2. I had a... sort of came-too-late crush. Ahah. See, there's this guy I know from campus. Back in the college days, I had noticed him, but there was always someone I liked better. So he was kind of forgotten. But lately I've been reminded of him again because of small stuff. Few days ago, when I was drowned in the word heartbroken, I checked out his friendster profile and found this on one of his who-I-want-to-meet list--more or less:

kamu yang hatinya patah dan gak tau mau dilem pake apa

Haw. Don't I just want to raise my hand.

Anywho. I've graduated, so has he, and it's a bit too late to even like this guy. So there'll be nothing out of this. Barely a crush.

Okie. Runi, out.

can you hear me? are you listening? this is the sound of my heart breaking

Here are some random thoughts:

- It's February already. Time flies, eh? There goes the 1/12 of this year already.
- Therefore, I'm going to stop lazing around. Yes, that's right. Right after writing this.
- I'm in love with Al Pacino's mugshot.
- Current top 3 favorite ice cream: Sushi Tei's, Ben and Jerry's, and Cold Rocks'. Me really wanna right now.
- Sasquatch is a funny word. I like it.
- It's that time of the month. When I want to rant, or cry, or wallow in something. And just like other females of the species I blamed PMS for it; but PMS stands for Pre-Menstruation Syndrome which should've been over once the menstruation started. And it didn't.
- And at time like this, there's nothing I want more than to put the puzzle pieces together and I don't know, recollect my soul? But recollecting the puzzle pieces together is haaarrrd. And it's sad. It shouldn't be this hard. Not with us. But it is. Ugh.
- Speaking of sad, did you watch--I believe his name is--Sherman Poe on the American Idol audition? The old guy who sang You Belong To Me? Touching, touching, touching. Gimme my very own Sherman Poe!

Nyeh. Contrary to what I wrote in my curriculum vitae, I can't compose a distinctive piece of writing.

Toodles.

is it glue that you're offering
or maybe the beat of your drum
i'll take it, i'll take it all
save me from feeling numb

the world got smashed into pieces and put back together the wrong way

This day two years ago, I was missing my long hair like crazy. Now here I am, feeling almost the same like I was that day. I miss my long hair among other things. It's not as dreadful as it used to be, though. My hair now is okay.

Anyway. About the "other things", here goes,

I miss having more cousins/aunts in the house, I miss the canceled TV series Wonderfalls, I miss going swimming, I miss going to the beach, I miss my thinner figure (although I prefer my butt now. Haha), I miss wearing my now-broken-sunglasses, I miss Dermaga Foodcourt, I miss doing choreographed dances (yuh-huh, I was a cheerleader, sue me) and I miss getting paid for it, I miss hosting new year's eve's get-togethers (although I don't know how I could pull off the hosting-thing back then without being all high-strung like Ross did when he found out about Rachel and Joey), I miss PE class, I miss having to wake up unreasonably early in the morning to go to school/campus (nyeh, the last two fall under BENCI TAPI RINDU category), I miss when days like these were called "libur", I miss seeing people whom I used to see often, and I very much miss one of them, one third of the best of all.

Something can be fixed by washing your hair every single day, and another is just plainly heartbreaking.

for the love you bring won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing

Answer the questions using lines from songs you know. the song themes and the questions don't have to match, what's important are the words in the lines you write. don't forget to mention the song and the singer in your answers.

1. How's your take on life?
"The more we move ahead, the more we're stuck in rewind. Well, I don't mind, I don't mind. How the hell could I mind"
[Ocean Breathes Salty - Modest Mouse]

2. Tell us your first love.
"To me, you're strange and you're beautiful"
[Strange And Beautiful - Aqualung]
*By 'strange' here I mean foreign, berhubung kepincut sama bule xD

3. What were you like when you were in elementary school?
"Thought there was love in everything and everyone, oh you're so naive"
[Get Me Away I'm Dying - Belle & Sebastian]

4. in junior high?
"We were all in love and we all got hurt"
[White Houses - Vanessa Carlton]

5. in highschool?
"I'm so happy I could scream. And there's nowhere else in the world i'd rather be"
[Mint Car - The Cure]

6. in college/university/whatever?
"I feel so stupid, happy, and numb"
[Local God - Everclear]

7. what do you think about love?
"Oh such grace, oh such beauty, so precious, suspicious, and charming and vicious"
[A Million Ways - OK Go]

8. anything you wanna say to a particular crush?
Don't think there's any particular crush at the moment. But well, here's for whichever,
"Please be my next morning flower, but don't be there all the time. Leave me a couple of hours, then bring me food and wine."
[The Cynic - Kashmir/Bowie]

9. anything you wanna say to a particular past-crush?
"I'm far too shy to speak to you at school. You leave me numb and I'm not sure why"
[Spitting Games - Snow Patrol]

10. how about to an ex?
"Circles and triangles, and now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend"
[Cool - Gwen Stefani]
*Tapi ini lebih pas dinyanyiin pas jamannya masih ada NugeNisa. Hahah xD

11. how about your family?
"We've come too far to turn back, we're just too close to quit. We're learning the hard way"
[Learning The Hard Way - Gin Blossoms]

12. what are you feeling right now?
"Open the window, let some air in. I feel so old"
[Left Behind - Aqualung]

13. what kind of night/day is it?
"The sun was high, up above"
[Walking Barefoot - Ash]

14. what's your new year resolution?
I didn't make any. But if I had, it would've gone something like,
"I would stop drinking, stop feeling breakdown, and start believing you might change your mind. Well I don't know"
[Tell Me What To Say - Black Lab]

15. what about your bestfriend(s).
"Look at us we're beautiful, all the people push and pull but they'll never get inside, we got too much to hide"
[Beautiful - Moby]

16. describe your partner(s) in crime.
"We do what we want, we do what we want"
[Local God - Everclear]

17. anything you wanna say to Bush?
"I used to be sad, now I'm just bored with you"
[Burning Photograph - Ryan Adams]

18. your childhood. tell us about it.
Because I think I was even more delusional back then,
"If the land of make believe is inside your heart, it will never leave. There's a golden gate where the fairies all wait and dancing moons"
[Dear Jessie - Madonna]

19. how did the last book that you read go?
"I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend"
[Jumper - Third Eye Blind]

20. an easy one: the lyrics to the last song you sang for someone. who?
"Suka-sukaa, mandi di pinggir kali"
[My own version of Yang Penting Hepi - Jamal Mirdad. To Bune yesterday]

21. current obsession?
"And now I wish I was in love"
[I Wish I Was In Love - Lightning Seeds]

22. what was today like?
"Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on"
[World Spins Madly On - The Weepies]

23. how about yesterday?
"Another day, just believe. Another day, just breathe"
[Breathe - Telepopmusik]

24. your P.o.V on kids?
"I don't trust myself for loving you"
[John Mayer]

25. any question you felt have never been answered?
"Why aren't you here with me tonight?"
[Someday We'll Know - New Radicals]

26. the most romantic place you've heard of so far?
"If you come back, I'll take you to the garden, we'll dance to the orchestra on the lawn and we'll roll in the foggy dew and dance with the ghosts upon the dawn"
[To You I Bestow - Mundy]

27. Any instrumental songs you need to enlist here? describe why.
Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness [Smashing Pumpkins]
Because it's touching and just because.

before you go, can you read my mind?

Highs, lows, and inbetweens of 2006

1. Kings of Convenience's showcase in Bandung.
2. Meeting Erland Oye in some random warung that same night.
3. Bandung tektok trip with geng and ngong to see Ingga. Jackpot, huh?
4. A childhood sweetheart came and went. Twice.
5. Had a bried but dreadful dilemma about graduating.
6. Rozelle went official with Yudo. This girl really lives in a fast lane soap opera, I tell you.
7. Batu Karas trip with Ped, Ngun, Ngga.
8. Long awaited Pesta Liburan with my cousins.
9. Midyear holiday, when I got to see Ocha and Yoyok and people.
10. Submitted an application to be one of the 5 Takes' five TJs, and ended up feeling too lazy to submit the second video application.
11. Got Shan Michael Evans to make an illustration for my writing.
12. Getting better in turning lights off, therefore the case of missing zsazsazsu often occured.
13. Enrolled in some driving school.
14. Driver's lisence.
15. Missed Coldplay's gig in Singapore.
16. Went to Bandung alone for the first time.
17. Went to Seaworld after years and years. Then watched INXS at the Soundrenaline.
18. Graduating from English Lit. UI.
19. Graduation party at my house.
20. Tagged along the Dutch kids to their 2006 initiation.
21. Went to Disney's Lantern Fantasy with Chici.
22. Resigned from my job at Chrysolit.
23. Formed a geng jualan with Bun, Ped, Ngun. Plus jualan 2 hari di bazar Warung Baba.
24. Reunion with kids from 2A.
25. Had my long hair cut into a short bob.
26. Birthday season with the 11th of November as the cherry on top.
27. Singapore-Malaysia trip with Ped and her family. The beginning of my bankruptcy.
28. Petang Kreatif 2006. Maybe my last planned-visit to campus.
29. Had a brief reunion with Ardini, a friend from junior high.
30. Got interviewed for a reporter job in Media Indonesia. Still crossing fingers and toes.
31. One temukangen, one Nandia's farewell dinner, and one pre-Christmas dinner with people from English dept 2002.
32. Drove alone to Citos for the first time.
33. Applied to Music City FM as the on-air staff only to be called back to try out for the announcer job. Lost cause from the beginning.

...I can't think of anything else. Nyeh, quiet and numbing year.

As for closure, I had a quiet but nice NY's eve at Ped's with Bun and Sya. Watching Star Wars episode III, eating like there's no tomorrow, playing with the sparklers and fireworks... Rozelle stopped by for a few blinks of an eye. So, tears from the NYE before didn't come back. But something has been nagging me since though. Let's just say, I'm pulling a Joey to someone's Ross and Emily.

The great thing this time is, I had a second new year's celebration. Ped, Bun, Sya and I went to Bandung on the 2nd, stayed at this nice hotel called Puri Larasati for two nights, and spent some QT with Ingga and Ebonk. Aside from my feeling like death was the next thing for me, it was fun. I didn't want to go home.

However, I'm home now. And I just want to say, I love my friends (they're the only ones that keep my inside reeling besides shopping these days). And I hope they'll always be around for the next new year and new years to come. As for the rest of the world,

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007!!!

i watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

Two days ago was this year's Petang Kreatif. I came and watched (not all, but enough). It was nice, English 2006 had something to be proud of (they're the runner-up), nice performances from some departments... But one of the them was so dull, it wasn't even funny and I pity them, I realy do (A***o guys, can't you do anything right?).

Aside from the PK, I got to see some people I know. Friends, love/lust interests, annoying people and all. Nice. And I think that was my last planned-visit to campus. I may come back sometime (still waiting for the nyanset date, suril), but still can't help thinking that was the last one, the closure (ooh, there goes the word again). And god, there really is no good time for anyone to leave, is there? Hard to explain but *sigh*.

-----

On a very different note, they already put the giant christmas tree in the middle of Citos!!! Love it! Stare deep into it, pretend the raindrops outside are actually snowflakes, listen to the choir singing christmas songs (if they're not there yet, listen to the ones inside your head), then you'll get my version of Christmas at the Rockefeller Center.

However. I know it's early, but happy holiday people, hope you'll have a great christmas shopping or time with your loved ones! Cheers.

all that we needed tonight are people who love us and life

Blah. I'm bored. But I'm too broke to go out. And I'll pretend not to hear anyone who screams "get a job", not because I won't but I just can't be rushed.

BLAAAAHH. I can't even write anything. Personal rants, fiction, poem, writing sample for my future... I feel so uninspired.

I want to go out, and waste my non-existent money, and party, and have fun, and feel good, and be mesmerized by bands playing beautiful songs, and be surrounded by my loved ones so that I could hide behind them when the big bad world is closing in, and sing my lungs out, and dance the night away, and go nuts, and see people, and ignore people, and have my inside beat so fast for something trivial and not be able to sit still because of it or maybe just because of the expensive coffee they sell on Starbucks, and see and/or feel fireworks, and feel alive, and be inspired.

Help?

Anyway. I feel so *blah* I read my old journals from 7-9 years ago although usually reading my junior-high-self made me cringe. I still cringed this time. Conclusions made from reading it: I was so naive back then but I've been building my personal electric fence since then and big massive thank god, as I've grown older, I've gained more guts, confidence, self-respect and such. Thank god for self-evolution. Oyeah, and I was so in love with the guy whom I made run recently (or was that vice versa?). I've also loved drama since back then: making a used-to-be-best-friend's life a hell, playing 'pingpong' with a best friend/love interest/admirer/enemy xD, basking in a spider web of enmity and then taking sides...

Not so naive after all, huh? But compared to now, I was stupidly green. Again, thank god I trust myself now.

Enough with my self-introspect moment. People, let's have a christmas party! I'm not supposed to celebrate it, but it's december already and with all the christmas trees and lights at the malls and such and the cold air and the butterflies inside... I can hear Chris Martin's voice inside singing, "it felt like christmas time".

So, anyone?

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away
[moby]

the growing pains dissolve in lemonade

I turned 22 last saturday. I had a joint party along with Ped's and Bangun's birthdays celebration at this seafood restaurant in Ancol, Bandar Djakarta. Aside from the house band singing "happy birthday" and the kelapa ulangtaun with sparklers on it, it was more like an intimate dinner rather than a "party". But my loved ones were all there. I didn't have to choose, I could have my cake and eat it too. The girls were there, and the guys were also there. Ingga and Ebonk even drove all the way from Bandung to Jakarta and back to Bandung afterwards for this. Touching.

And what's a night out with a bunch of best friends without hitting the karaoke lounge? Yesss, we sang our lungs out @ Nav as always. Too bad we forgot to sing 22nd birthday theme song, "Ratu Oke".

All in all, despite some unspoken tension in the air, it was comfortable. Aw, big giant pile of fluffy pillows! And I notice, when I'm happy, I'm lacking the ability to compile words and make some decent entry about it. So maybe pictures will describe it better.

this year's birthday sparks

ladies and gentlemen, your hosts for tonight

my most prized treasure

the girls and some Modjo Jojo-like apparition of Ancol

There it goes, the end of birthday season for 2006. I hope the festivity will last the whole year round.

wait, don't go so fast. i'm missing the moments as they passed

Graduation.

The highlight of me lately.

It was on Saturday the 2nd at Balairung UI. Slightly touching but that was it. I didn't cry for the obvious reason. I did cry, however, after I refused to be stuck in a stupid traffic jam inside my campus area, ditched my parents in the car, took a long walk to FIB through the forest, under the blazing sun, in high-heels. Aside from that, it was okay. Both mom and dad came, my kebaya and hairdo came out how I wanted them to be, I got to see my friends and take pictures and all.

Nice.

Cherry on top, in the evening I invited few close friends to my house to have dinner and... just hang. I was so nervous-slash-anxious at first... You know, the pressure of entertaining =p However, it was great. My "orang-orang terkasihi" were all there. The girls, Ngong, Ingga, Ocha... Even Oho turned up after he said he couldn't. There was even this guy whom I've adored from time to time. Tee-hee. The get-together was super-super nice, it kept my inside beating.

Another highlight, teeny weeny one: I have a driver lisence now. And yesterday, I drove myself to work! With my driver right next to me of course. But still.

Speaking of work, I'm resigning. By the end of this month, to be exact. What's next for me, I often ask myself, I don't know. I'll figure it out. Soon, I hope. But right now I really want to travel, be with my friends, be in love, do stupid things mindlessly, feel like my inside is squeezed because it beats so fast, soak in the word "holiday" so much I'd tan myself... I don't know. It's one of those "ingin mematung" moments.

Haw. It's always harder to explain my nocturne thoughts.

Wish we'll stay like this
And we will reminisce
Our vanished nights
Our mockery fights

Because soon is the dawn
And promises will be gone
Before we all say goodbye
Here's iloveyou to get by

instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that life goes fast...

I thought I couldn't run from my days in college any more faster. Godknows (and maybe so does everyone else) I kept a safe distance from people in my campus. By not getting too attached, I've saved myself from missing anyone when we graduate. I've missed high school longer than high school itself, I don't want any similar case to occur again. And I did a good job, I'm sure.

When Nissa had her "oo, jadi kita temenan cuma 4 taun nih, cuma sampe lulus" issue, I was thinking, hello, with all the drama, thank god kita cuma temenan 4 taun. And just about two weeks ago, when Bune said that she just got hit by a realization that she'd miss the campus and everything, I didn't empathize. I said that I didn't think I'd miss it that much, I said that it wouldn't be long before it's over and I couldn't wait until we all get out of here.

Then tonight, out of boredom and solitariness, I read Sindro's old blog entries from about a year ago. I can still say I want to get over this ASAP, but maybe there are few things I'll miss. Here goes.

1. My friends. Yes, I don't loathe you that much, only on hot days =p You know who you are, suril, gerwani, lunchies plusplus, and some others.

2. Kansas. The most tolerable icky place that I've ever known. I'll miss all those times I stayed way until magrib there, just because I didn't have anywhere better to go. I'll miss the way I took the long way to buy drinks just to check someone out on the other side of the caf. I'll miss that time when Nand suddenly whispered to me as we were walking by meja ijo area, "Run, all eyes on you" (okay, I think the last one is ego-talking =p).

3. Of course surreal times with the easygoing geng suril (aka gampangan, ke sini hayok, ke sana hayok). Waiting for magrib to come with you three, smoking our allowance out, asking what the real quintessence of smoking is, and just hanging out when everyone else was nowhere to be found are the best.

4. Weird and quirky qualities in anak-anak sastra that made me feel comfortable in asking stupid and weird questions. Out of the Qs, interesting convos often followed. Questions about deepest fears or about things in general. I'm surely going to miss that. The best companions for the questions are of course Sind, Nil, Nand, but the others are always a nice addition.

5. Being this (sok) idealist college student, dreaming about publishing a book filled with absurd short stories and poems, while trying to finish Penpop assignment on time. Soon, I'll have no time for being that anymore. I actually have to make it happen. I can't suck anymore. I have to get the equivalent of Mr.Ismail's three dots in the real life! Oh my.

6. Going to campus wearing ripped jeans, the laid back classes, the laid back system, the music events, the plays, the bazaar, the used-book bazaar, and things like those. Maybe some of us look like the crazy/hippie/poet type for people out there, but I don't care. I had never been in a such... creative environment before FIB UI.

7. Having crushes on mediocre (and sometimes below) guys just because they were the best ones around. Seriously, sastra guys establish the saying 'love is blind'. Haha. No offense. That, and regretting it sometime later.

8. Seeing Bune 5 days a week more or less. And dragging her away from her friends everytime I needed her.

I guess I'll miss more than what I planned to miss. And maybe there are more, but those are the only ones that come across my mind right now.

Well.
"...it's hard to make the good things last."

let's waste time. chasing cars around our heads.

Random things:

Besides cancer, war and racism, there are few things I'd really like to make disappear. Lessee.

When I'm shopping @ Citos' wednesday Bazaar:
1. Annoying little kids running around.
2. Fat ladies who won't budge even after I practically scream "permisi" on their ears.
3. Ibu-ibu sok muda yang memonopoli space di depan rak baju karena mereka takut keabisan barang-barang yang bagus. Hello, don't they believe in "aging gracefully"? Um, I believe the older section is somewhere around here, right inside my ass!

When I'm learning to drive (and hopefully, when I'm driving, period):
1. Jaywalkers who take such a sweet time crossing the road. On my driving lesson today, I was seriously thinking of running over one of those. How cruel am I?
2. Motorcycles.
3.Angkot and Metro Mini. Enough said.

----------

Currently in love with Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol. Listen to "Chasing Cars", it's heart-wrenching. And at the same time, in lust with him everytime I listen to the band's version of Beyonce's "Crazy in Love". Hahaha. A weird turn-on.

----------

Only two weeks (and a few days) left to graduation. Sigh.

----------

I need a new pair of shoes. Or more. There are days when I need at least one of my besties, there are days when I need to cry without any reason, there are days when I need to "diam dan mematung". Well. These are the days when I have a massive urge to buy shoes.

and I can tell you my love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone

Be still.
For one flutter,
I'd expect and hope.
My suicide rope.

Ssh, be still.
For just one flap,
It'd all fall apart.
My heart.

----------
Recaps on lately:

[Jul 27th]
Thursday. I had an unpredictable, almost 2-month-long awaited rapatgeng. At first PedNgun asked me to go to Gaikindo Motor Show or some sort with them. Being easy as always, I agreed. I asked Bune to come although I knew it'd be the last thing on her things-I'm-interested-in list. She had this stupid reason of "males keramas", but I made her wash her hair and come anyway. Long story made short, we were too late for Gaikindo and we managed to drag Rozelle out of her castle, and voila, we were off to Cafe Shisha or whatever it's called. Later on, Oho joined us. So there it was, rapatgeng plus two.

Maybe you just can't plan this thing anymore, you just have to wait and stumble upon it. The element of surprise intensifies the fun anyway, so that's okie *senyum simpul*. Besides, Oho came and brought stories and gossips that weren't that big of a deal except for the way he delivered them. Incomprehensibly not in order and his usage of words like "ngesek" or "ojosan". Hilarious. That and his stories after watching Coldplay in Singapore. Ugh, sour subject. Moving on.

----------

[Jul 28th]
Friday, went night-karaokeing with Pedhe, Bangun, Ocha and Oho. We got in at about 11.15 pm and it was 45 minutes to Oho's turning 22. In a way, it was a karaoke birthday party for Oho. At midnight he sang "Ratu Oke", please note the first two lines: "namaku si Ratu Oke, umurku dua-dua". Then we all sang "Happy Birthday" to him. Singing the conventional Happy Birtday song in a karaoke lounge, how extravagant were we? It was always fun karaokeing with Oho because it always involved dancing, and well, actually standing up. And with him, you can't just belt out the tunes, you have to sing the songs with emotions, body language and all as if deep in your soul you really meant it. Teehee. Exhaustingly fun, despite Ocha's choice of an old Ebiet G. Ade's song.

----------

[Jul 29th]
Saturday night, strolled around Makro. How old-housewives could I get? Anyway, PedNgun convinced me to go there, buy lounging chairs and create some kind of patio on the garden next to my room. So I bought four of these chairs, grabbed unused cracked coffee table in my gazebo, voila, my very own secret garden. Ocha came by later on bringing cheap wine. A little patio-launching party.

----------

[Jul 30th]
Sunday. Oho invited me and else to a birthday brunch @ Dixie Rasuna. Of course, remembering he invited "anak-anak Batalyon", brunch was at 4 pm. There were only about 15-16 people of us, but it was nice. Foods and drinks and laughter kept rolling in for about five hours.

Kesan dan pesan? Chances are, I fall, fell, whatever, for someone so boring I don't think he ordered any food at his friend's birthday party--which was practically an all-you-can-eat one--and I think he only ordered ice lemon tea when the rest of us were ordering drinks with exotic names and funny colors. Tsk, tsk, I had my butterflies set on someone whom reality shows' judges might call "too safe".

----------

[Jul 31st]
Monday. Missed a deadline, and altogether missed a chance to be the next 5 Takes TJ (hosting job for this Discovery Travel and Living channel's show). I know life's too short to miss an opportunity like that, but life's also too short for any regret. Besides, it was too hazy to think about deadlines.

----------

[Aug 2nd]
Wednesday, had a little taste of the vain-but-oh-so-fabulous world of fashion. Bune and I got a one-time job as ushers for Biyan's fashion show. Fancy, huh? It was practically a MAGABU kind of job. Decent amount of money for telling famous people where to sit and watching my first fashion show. Mahvelous, dahling, mahvelous.

Newest ambition: to be one of those VVIPs whose names are written on the front row seats.

----------

[Aug 4th]
Friday, as in yesterday. Went to Bandung with this Jakarta-Bandung shuttle called XTRANS. Alone. Wee-hee. I got giddily proud of being able to go to Bandung alone for the first time. Geng ngong picked me up when I got there, and then we went shopping at Gedebage. Also my first time. I had my doubts at first since Ped's first review about the place wasn't too convincing (if not, at all), and whose review is better to believe than your own mirror image, right? Well, turned out, I was still a pro-shopper, judging from all the dresses that I bought. That, or I was so gelap mata, judging from the oversized man's sweater that I bought.

Anyway. It was fun. Meeting my almost-forgotten friend (guess who), and shopping. Despite I did it in a crowded and humid "PASAR", shopping was still therapeutic. Quoting from I-can't-remember-who,

"whoever says money can't buy happiness simply doesn't know where to shop."

----------

So. Holiday butterflies paid off. Not quite with what (/who?) I had in mind, but who can complain, right?

Pictures may come later.

"A little voice Inside my head said,
'Don't look back. You can never look back.'
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but--"
[Don Henley/The Ataris]

it gets the better of me sometimes when you and i collide

Let's take a little walk back to the 90's music scene and raise your voice if you know this one.

SWAY
(Bic Runga)

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I'm practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infintely true

Say you'll stay,
Don't come and go, like you do
Sway my way,
Yeah I need to know all about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

It's all because of you
It's all because of you

----------

I feel like posting that song here, since I've heard it twice within the last 24 hours.

Updates about lately may come sometime later.

I hear the melodious beat somewhere
that I secretly hope you could hear,
and while you're standing there--oblivious,
I have butterflies coming out of my bellybutton one by one.

it's time i got back to the good life

I've always said that my prized possessions are my best friends and money. Now I have one more: my health. No one could ever know how much I'm grateful for it. Seriously.

What brought this on?

Thirty hours of high fever, plus another thirty-nine hours of...ahem, bowel problems, and the total of more or less three days being a tired, sluggish, helpless gag-prone. Oyeah, don't forget BORED from all the laying down and not being able to go out. I lost sleeps because I kept waking up from the illness; that led to me begging Andrei to get me some Prozac. I lost my appetite and at the same time I knew I had to eat in order to take medicine and get well. Yet, everytime I ate something, my tummy churned and seriously, the food wouldn't stay in that long. I knew I should've seen a doctor but for all I know that'd be a fate worse than death for me. I felt like dying ='(

Anyway. I've been feeling well for nine hours and it's a MAJOR progress. I finished my meal at dinner time, and the food stays in. I don't mind eating some more. So I really do hope it'll last *crossing fingers and hope to God*

How did I get better? I don't know, maybe God showed some mercy for me. That, or one of these things I did when getting better: listening to songs from Weezer's old albums in a row (this might be it), reading old journals (or this? hmm), or aksi ngambek sama Bune (no this can't be it).

Well, now I have my health *crossing fingers again and hope to God*, my holiday-mood is back! I really have to see more people. That's what holiday is all about, right? Ocha, check. Yoyok, check. Anybody else who's been hiding under a rock, come out, come out. We'll play.

By the by, boo hoo, Mr.Bora's leaving for somewhere in Europe tomorrow.

something ignites in my vein and i pray it never fades

Just a few days ago I was sulking for idontknowwhat, and then I went re-reading some old testimonials in order to feel better and companioned, only to question, where are these people now in the end.

Then, TADA! The afternoon after, Ocha called me and asked the "geng begundal" to get together with him. He's interning in some law firm in town. I easily agreed like usual, so did Ped, but Roz and Bune had their reasons as always. However, Ocha managed to talk Rozelle into it, so she was in.

Seeing Ocha was nice. I almost forgot how nice it was to spend a QT with him; it was comforting. I felt like we were all his little sisters (ahem, no pun intended) with him asking about our lives, giving advices and all. Hahah. Of course the low point of the night was his disappointed expression after seeing me smoking.

All in all, it was great catching up with him. Then, the next morning, I mean afternoon, I learned that Yoyok's here! Well, in Bandung actually. But still. And he's supposed to go back to Jakarta today...

Ahh! People seem to pop out of the thin air. It's like an answer to my question when I re-read the testimonials a few nights ago. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get to see more of them. Anyone. Again, even Bune would be nice.

Holiday butterflies are up.

it's the curse of being a girl, tonight you can hardly make a change

Taken from Ayu's

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Ask Rian, my classmate back in high school senior year. Actually it's gone now, but it's the only scar for which I could keep blaming Rian for about 3 years.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Pinkman, letters of the alphabet, what-supposed-to-be cannabis leaves that looks like Adidas old school logo, Purple Doraemon with green face reminding me to eat, a turtle, a guy with freakish crapping dog or some sort, a sabda from a cat head known as the Ratu Kucing... Painted by of me, my cousins, and my best friends.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Nokia 6600. All chipped off but I love it anyway.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
Wrist-slitting tunes? More painful the better. But besides that, I have a lot of guilty pleasures lurking behind my interest.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
11 pm. And the cool thing is, I was also born on the eleventh of November.

6.WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To have about Rp.25.000.000,- grow on one of the trees in my front yard. So I can pay Bune to ditch her work, buy three round tickets to Singapore, buy four Coldplay tickets, meet Roz in Singapore, splurge a bit at the Singapore Great Sale, and have the long-awaited liburanbersamageng while watching Chris Martin and his bandmates belting out their magic.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Being a teenager. Please keep in mind that although I feel young, there is no "teen" in twentyone. And maybe soon, I'll miss having the word "student" on my Friendster's profile's occupation section.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
What can bring happiness. My best friends. And money.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Food. Coffee. My room after my friends came and smoked in there. My perfumes.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Yes, sometimes.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Rarely.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Secret Fantasy by Anna Sui and Stella (Mc.Cartney).

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Yang biasa aja. Tousled is nice when it's not purposely so.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
Tiffany's? Just like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Cheese, assorted meats and sausages, and mushrooms. But cheese and mushroom would do.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I can't eat anything right now, I feel bloated. But otherwise, I'll have sushi or kambing guling.

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
I can't remember.

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
Yes.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?
I can't quite remember. Either an over-sized tee or a teddy bear.

WAIT HANG ON A MINUTE WHAT HAPPENED TO 22-27?
How should I know. And seriously, I demand my 6 missing questions!

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
That would be stupid. But that's the whole point of falling in love, innit? Anyway, I'd like to say I wouldn't, but with me, stupidity happens all the time.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I don't know. You tell me.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
99.

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
On who? For guys I prefer brunette.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
My mom's.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Little things thought at night time.

33. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF [your country]?
Yeah, once. When I crap money, I'd definitely do it more and take my friends along with me.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
I let small things get through me.

37. FIRST JOB?
A part-time teacher. Wait, come to think of it, the first time I earned money was when I was wearing a short purple-red skirt and waving my pom-poms. Yeah, I was a cheerleader.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Hahah. Sure. One of the best things of being young and stupid.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
Watching Rockstar Supernova.

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A bit of lipo and breast implant. Hello, the new ANTM. Hahahah.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
To practice answering questions for my magazine-interview-filled future. That, and I don't have anything to do.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Being me. How cocky is that?

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Buy a whole lot of them before they become illegal and keep a lifetime supply in a secret bunker.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A kiss from Guy Berryman.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
One or two. Three at the most.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My cousin.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
No. I wish on everything.

48. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE FINGER?
Index finger. Not really, I don't know. I mean, on what base do you tell which your fave finger is?

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Really cry? A few weeks ago, when I decided--for a brief moment in time--not to graduate this year.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sometimes.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Every meat.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Procastinating.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
All-4-One from back when I was still in 6th grade.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Definitely.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Call someone. Or cry. But the best way is shopping.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
For this time being, I'm practically homeless, second-home-wise.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Um, the usual. Lego, Barbie, Play Doh...

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
A lot. And really, I don't mean anything bad by it.

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Define mosh pit. If it involves people violently banging their heads, crashing to one another, then no.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
I don't know. I'll know it when I find it.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Runi, Mony, Rong, Rone.

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Ben and Jerry's half-baked brownies and chocolate chip cookie dough.

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
Rainbow.

73. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
What's a wisdom teeth?

74. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Some people I haven't seen in a while. Even Bune.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Everyone who? But yeah, that'd be nice.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Silences. I'm using mom's speaker-less PC.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Trattoria's Creme Brulee.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Pedhe.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Could be anything.

80. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Jakarta.

81. SCARIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
I don't know.

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Cold ones.

83. FAVORITE JOKE?
I don't know. Sometimes jokes are seriously like disposable panties. Once you wear them, you should never see (or hear) them again.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Mall-hopping.

85. HAIR COLOR?
Black.

86. EYE COLOR?
Somewhere between black or really, really dark brown.

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
Only when I stay in. And only at nights.

88. SIBLINGS?
An older sister and a younger step sister.

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
November for the obvious reason.

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Yes.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Rockstar Supernova.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
My birthday.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Maybe. Not as much shy as tengsin though.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer. No winter around here.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Both?

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE-NIGHT STANDS
Ask again later.

97. WHO DO YOU SECRETLY LOVE?
Secretly? If I wrote it here, it wouldn't be a secret, huh?

98. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU MACKED IT WITH IN THE PAST YEAR?
What's "macked it with"?

99. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Ped's Gossip Girl by Cecily von Ziegesar.

100. WHERE DO YOU WORK?
Serpong, this place called Chrysolit.

the highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die

I had my first period about 9 years ago, and still, the sight of blood dripping out of me always sends me to a certain nauseating dizziness and a near-passing-out experience. Not to mention since I got out of high school and stopped exercising weekly, I constantly have this gut-wrenching pain in my tummy everytime I have my so-called "little friend". URGH. Why do we females have to put up with this thing?

And I'd really like to destroy the belief that females have bad tantrums when they have their period. I managed to do that earlier today. Went to campus, got my Multiculturalism final paper (marked A-), saw my friends again, saw Mr.Bora the Sexplorer (haha, pardon the icky nick name), went to PIM a while... Everything was a-OK.

Then there was that phonecall I made to Ebonk. UGH. Long story made short: he won't come to Batu Karas. After his mockery prediction of me not going, which was so irritating, turns out he's the one who doesn't go. I was so afraid something might come up that could make me not go and make me become the butt of Ebonk's joke. I was really dreading about that. Now that I know for sure I'll go, now that I'm getting all psyched up about the trip, now that Rozelle and Ingga agree to come, he can't go! I'm not even sure I'm making a point here. But this really upsets me. Not to mention how he used "kapan gue mau lulus kalo gak SP?" reason. Wasn't he the one who made me rethink about graduating so soon so hard I almost lost my head? I know I'm definitely not making a point here, but, it's just that, I loathe how the things he said always got the best of me. Ugh.

Owell. He's still my best friend, and I can't blame him anyway.

ARGH! Darnitt!!

This must be the blood-dripping bitch talking.



*Taking a deep breath* You know what, never mind. My mood has just been lifted up again thanks to a newly-received testimonial from the mentioned Mr.Bora. Heheh. Ms.Goodmood is baaack.

fast as you can, baby, run! free yourself of me of me fast as you can

Pieces of lately:

About a week ago a blast from the past suddenly burst out of thin air and was being a "pain in the arse" (as I quoted him calling me). It was kinda funny, actually, how stupid he was. And maybe he didn't mean anything serious by all the SMS he sent me last week, but I just had to drive him away. I admit that. It's not like when I gave lollypop to my senior and unintentionally had him kicked out from the no-food-no-drink room. No, this time I deliberately made him run. I had an outburst. A drama queen's sulking to be exact, just because he said those "nasty words" (as I quoted from me). So he said he wouldn't bother me again. Teehee.

I hope this quirk of making-people-run-before-I-do-it-myself won't be a continuing bad habit for me.

On a far-better note: Roja went official with some guy. I don't know the guy yet, so personal review may come later on. Woo-hoo for that, but boo-hoo for my plan of rematchmaking her with another best friend. But still, happy for her.

About what I've been doing lately:
First, trying to compose application letter, just in case everything goes well. Amen. Second, been writing a story for a while until I met an absolut writer's block. Haven't wrote again since. Third, submitting as many answers (to why I'm Coldplay's biggest fan and how their music changed my life) as I can, just in case Lady Fortune loves me. Double amen. And lastly, for the last two days, I've been hooked on Text Twist--this geeky game for geeks like moi. Usually I gave up easily, and only managed to get 100000-ish score at the most. But right now, I have reached 772400 and still going, hopefully *geek mode: ON*

I should really get a job or something.

Long holiday is right in front of me and...woo-hoo!!! Aside from my dreadful waiting for GPA transcript, I'm finally able to kick back and relax. Who knows, maybe there won't be any long holiday again for me this time around next year... Maybe. Plans so far: Batu Karas with geng ngong and hopefully Rozelle *crossing fingers* next week and Bali I-don't-know-when with English dept 2002. I hope everything will be a big wee-hoo before I don't know what. Seriously.

"Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was"
[Fiona Apple]

we'll go, we'll go just where we want to. we won't let the others bleed us dry

I had my last exam for this semester yesterday, so now I can breathe and stop thinking for a while. In a few months I could be facing a new world of the so-called real life in front of me, or I could be vomiting from hearing and typing the words feminism, identity, multiculturalism, or naturalism all over again. Both are disturbing, but I'll still have to choose. I've thought and gone cuckoo about it, and I've decided that I won't think anymore of it for at least a week or two. I'm putting my mind in a hiatus.

Anyway. The best way to celebrate the unshackling of my brain? By going on a road trip with both my gengs. Yes, I went to Bandung yesterday with the genggong and the geng-ngong. See, Ingga invited me to come to this jazz event that he masterminded. I thought, why not. I asked the most aksi girls in the gang (ahem, B and R). Surprise, surprise, they actually agreed. Bune even sort of rescheduled her get-together with her friends. That's rare.

So, off we went in Bangun's Kijang. Me, Bune, Pedhe, Rozelle, Bangun, and Ebonk. When was the last time of that, I can't even remember. The trip was fun! I mean, with anybody else, it would be a literally pain-in-the-ass two hours ride. But I was with them and the stupid stuff (people-shuffling in the car in the middle of Bangun's speeding on the highway, formed a girlband and had an interview...), so it was all woo-hoo.

Let's say I won big on a jackpot machine for being with BunPedRozBangBonk at the same time, I won a bigger jackpot by seeing Ingga. A rendevouz with the long-missed Kacank and Ari didn't hurt either. Seriously, it was worth the jazz music my ears failed to comprehend. By the by, seeing one of my friends reuniting with her ex last night was aww-inducing. I couldn't help thinking that they belong together (I know, such a hallmark thing to say) nor could I help giving the evil eye to anyone who stood in the way. Heheh. Anywho, what's a night out without a karaoke session, right? So we visited Nav Plaza Dago or something and sang our asses off. Too bad Ingga, our #1 Batak artist, couldn't come.

Finally, at 3 am in the night... morning... wee hours... whatever, we all went home. Safe and sound. And very tired. I didn't want the night to end, it was like a gigantic fluffy pillow. Comfortable. But well, yeah, it did.

Well, that's about it for my feel-good report, until next time.

blah.

I feel like pulling a Chandler Bing right now.

Could this last week of college be any longer?

There. Now if I could only go mati suri until next week...

train this chaos turn it into light, i've gotta see you one last night

Been 24-25 days since the last post and nothing has changed that much. However, between then and now there have been Brontok virus attack, my all-cleaned-from-Brontok PC, a brief dilemma about graduating this year, mournful visit to Rosel's, 3 novels with Estha, Dean Moriarty and Mr.Darcy in them, me almost going cuckoo juggling them, a presentation on Shakespeare's As You Like It, a big pile of Penpop assignment thanks to my procastinating habit, a dream about being back to where I can never go back to, a dream about Chris Martin, daydreams, balloons blown and popped, new words from Text Twist, infatuation with Snow Patrol's frontman (still nothing compared to Mr.Berryman), a brief crush on some younger guys (Bune's and Baralig's juniors with the same initial), gossips, lack of sleeps, dark halos under my eyes, mood swings, business meetings with Gerwani @Kansas mostly, Campina's banana split from my campus' koperasi pegawai, 5000perak bag and some old dresses from Passer Baroe this afternoon, sweet and sour crabs from Balikpapan, a full moon, and another tons of nothings.

Those are pretty much my pieces of puzzle. Put them together and all you'll see is a chaotic void. Thank god tomorrow I'll arrange my other pieces of puzzle with more beautiful result, the girls.

Ahahahay.
---------

Inevitably counting in silent, secretly
The sixth moon's might as well an eternity
Keep going til the twelfth, what I ask for
And hopefully, maybe, I'll count no more

you had your chance so say goodbye

Hey, I knew you once
Don't you miss me?
We had so much fun
Don't you agree?

-----
I'm not good handling the slightest bit of attention. It makes me soft and weak. A few "hi"s and smiles could easily take me down to the memory lane, and that's not good. God knows I find it difficult to tell nostalgia apart from infatuation. Just take a mental note, that should never happen again. Amen.

only slightly mental

I'm over my crush with Mr.Berryman. Heheh. Or my fiery lust for Mr.Bonjang for that matter.

----------

Can you sing Flowers for me?
That is my rescue, it has to be

I hate to complain but sometimes you just can't help doing so, innit? So here goes... I'm bored (kalo kata celebritis indonesia yang harusnya make duitnya buat les bahasa inggris instead of nose jobs, "gue boring"). Not bored as in there's-nothing-good-on-TV bored, or I-have-nothing-to-do-today bored. It's I-wanna-be-anywhere-but-here bored. Omygod, I could go crazy anytime soon. Seriously. It's like my brain's going to explode any moment, when really it's because of the void in it. I can't explain exactly what I'm feeling lately, but it's driving me insane. Insane. Insane. Afterdark isn't better. I have the urge to rant on my journal but I don't know why nor for what and the words are just stumbling over one another they don't come out. I usually ended up doodling meaninglessly on it.

It's not like I'm sad nor upset, it's just that I'm on the verge of going nuts. Nuts. Nuts. Completely nuts. When something nice comes up, I'm totally okay. Like last thursday, when there were these good bands playing at the campus. That was fun. Or when I have my friends--best friends, hang-out friends, cousins, whatever--around, I'm okay. But when I'm left alone with nothing to do or at least when my mind is left alone with nothing to think about, there's this empty chaos inside. There's nothing to do, to think about, to dread about, but I feel so...jumbled.

See, I can't even write properly about it.

ARGH. Antara pengen kabur atau mematung.

Maybe it's just a phase, like always. But when it happens frequently--rarely, but frequently, could you really call it "a phase"? And I know when this is all over, I'll laugh at this and wonder, what was I thinking. Do I feel insane because I think I am insane? Someone I know once said something about what you feel is what your mind tells you to do, or something like that. You know, a suggestion or some sort.

You know what, I don't know.

Phew. It's tiring to even write about it. Um, help, please? A vacation, Prozac, a slap to bring back some senses, anything will do.

ooh, get me away from here, i'm dying
sing me a song to set me free
nobody writes them like they used to
so it may as well be me
[belle & sebastian]

obsessions in my head, don't connect with my intellect

Ahem. This is the 2nd part of my Guy-obsession entry below.

Turns out, he does in fact like dogs. Because he owns one named Sid (from Sid Vicious)...with his wife! Waaaahhhhh *sobs* I so envy a girl named Joanna Briston right now. Sob sob sob.

Haw. Goodbye the chance of living happily ever after with a man who's worth 10 million pounds and drives Land Rover Discovery 3.

Yeah, I think I'm obsessed. But I'm too broken-hearted to admit that.

everyone of us is here, how about you?

This week has been fun! See, on Thursday there was this Saka New Year for the hindus, so it was obviously a day off for everyone. While on Friday...I don't know what it was with that day, but it was also a day off for me and some people. I know every Tuesday I've a day off this semester. Therefore, I only go to my dreary campus twice this week. Hm. So this is what it's like to be you, Ped =p

Let's start with Wednesday. After on-again-and-off-again rapat geng plan, Bune said that her family's "pembubaran panitia kawinan" is on Thursday and Rozelle decided to bail from her family's "rapat kawinan", so it was finally on. Off we went, to where else but NAV karaoke lounge. This time the usual singing session ended up in a way that I didn't think could ever occur with the girls. It was curcol-inducing. Hahahah. So okay, we thought, it would be a good time to have some coffee time. Off we went to Citos. And for the 1st time in history, we were rejected here and there because almost all of the restaurants & cafes had already placed the last order. The only places that would accept us were Gloria Jean's Coffee and Liquid Room. Naturally we chose Gloria Jean's despite the "blah" foods and drinks. Tapi karena kelamaan nyari tempat, sesi curhat yang tadi udah terpicu jadi tersendat lagi. Ya tak apalah, gak apa-apa mati gaya yang penting gak mati ya, geng?

Thursday came and I wasn't too keen on this day because I had to do group projects (yes, plural) @ Monik's house. I had to wake up quite early, and staying up late the night before didn't minimalize my urge to bite people's heads off. But it turned out okay. I mean, it wasn't like we actually did some work. With the Film & Sastra group, I practically just read 2 chapters of Harry Potter #4, watched parts of the film and ngemeng to compare them. With Pengkajian Budaya group, I practically just cut some indie music-related articles from Laila's mags. That's that. The rest of the day was actually okay, despite my heavy eyelids. We talked/gossiped about things and for the first time I watched a porn movie. Heheh.

Next, the plan for Friday was to go to Passer Baroe. Bune, Pedhe and I had made this plan since about 2 weeks before. Despite the almost-off plan, we finally went with Bangun who kindly drove us there. Bla bla bla, I don't need to write details about the shopping, all I can tell is shopping is always fun. Always. Afterwards, we grabbed some meal @ nasi goreng cabe rawit di jalan...Daksa? Not wanting to go home, we called Ingga and asked his whereabouts. Anyway, long story made short, we joined him, Davis, Adri, and Idontknowwho @ Paprika, watching Leli sang. Paprika was this classy restaurant/lounge, I think, and there I was wearing short and tee and sandal jepit looking like a sweating babu. But whatever. Seeing Ingga was nice.

Saturday night arrived and Ingga was supposed to meet Pedngun and I at this Cafe Shisha. But he two-timed and bailed on us in the end. However the long-lost Ebonk was available, so there we were, the Telerabies' reunion. We were on our way to Cafe Shisha when the guys brought up the Duck King issue (I lost a bet about a year ago and I was supposed to pay for our dinner @ Cinoa, but the guys insisted that it was Duck King I had promised them). I knew I wouldn't hear the end of it for the rest of the night, so I finally agreed to go to the Duck King and pay for dinner. It was nice to shut their mouth for once. Heheh. Afterwards we headed straight to Cafe Shisha only to find that the belly dancing show was over. That's okay, I got to go with...more or less my 2nd geng after a long, long hiatus.

Well, there went the lazy days. The calm before the storm. Now here I am, on Sunday afternoon, trying to get some tasks done. Boo. I don't even want to rant about what kind of "storm" I'm facing. Ugh. Ugh. Like Ped once said, gue cuma mau mematung.

Everyone of us is high,
Everyone of us is low,
Everyone of us is here,
How about you?
[Coldplay]

my song is love unknown & i've got to get that message home

On a whole different note, once again I'll ask, inikah yang dinamakan cinta? Yes, this time I'm sure that it is. And who's the object of my undying overwhelming desire this time? Drumroll please...

Mr.Guy Berryman, of course.

See, he's already a musician and a good looking one too. That counts for unlimited points. I just browsed Coldplay.com and saw this picture of him playing footie. Ding-ding, more and more points. If only I knew if he liked dogs or not...

But that doesn't matter that much.

He's most likely not a moslem. But when he belongs to the world's greatest band, I don't think my mom would mind...

Omaygad. I think this is THE ONE.

See, I don't mind "makan cinta" kalo udah sama dia sih. But I don't think that'd be necessary. I mean he has the fortune, for sure. Maybe he's taken. Well, I swear, I don't mind living as his mistress-slash-love slave or such.

So, Mr.Guy, if you ever come across this blog, send me a ticket to wherever you are, let the sparks between us show and drive off to the sunset together.

what is there to know? all this is what it is

I had been waiting, disappointed, and back to waiting again...

Aaaand finally I watched Kings of Convenience on Sunday. Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's right. I watched it and it was beyond great! Come to think of it, not getting tickets for the KoC show in Jakarta might just be the best thing. Because if I had watched the Jakarta show, I wouldn't have gone to Bandung. If I hadn't gone to watch KoC in Bandung, I wouldn't have had supper at C'mar (this apparently a famous warung in Bandung). And if I hadn't had supper at C'mar, I wouldn't have met Erlend Oye from KoC himself...

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I met him and had a piture taken with him! Wee-hoo! And unlike my friends, I can't tell the long and fantastic details about last weekend here. Kayak ketemu gebetan, it feels fabulous but somewhat undescribable and yet you want to spread the story and joy to everyone you know although you know they're dead bored with it.

Ah cukup dikenang dalam hati saja, considering I'm lacking of non-retarded words right now and not to mention, I lost the tickets at the venue (I usually kept my tickets safely: movies, concerts, and else). But hey, who needs words and tickets when you have a picture; and being predictably cliche, I'll say a picture says a thousand words.

you're just like me, you're sipping a cup of dreams

I had a five-year-old-ish but wonderful dream last night. In my dream, it was a beautiful afternoon and I was at my frontyard; but it was more beautiful, with colorful flowers and butterflies. *Here goes the 5-year-old-ish part* There were Tinkerbell, Peter Pan, Wendy and her brothers. We were all holding hands, and hocus pocus, I was lifted off the ground to the air. I was flying with them! Ahahaha. I remember thinking flying is fun! Seriously! It was an indescribable sensation to be able to fly. Aaand, there was music playing (I don't know from where); it was La Vie En Rose. I know Disney's movie and french song don't mix. But I still think it was wonderful and magical.

Hm. Come to think of it, I had one 5-year-old-ish dream before, when I was still in the elementary school. In this dream, I saw colorful hippos flying around in the night sky filled with colorful stars. Not only hippos, there were also cows. But they weren't colorful, just the regular black and white. Wonderful.

Ridiculous as those dreams were, they were better than the one in which I wanted so much to see my grandpa before too late; so much I cried hard in my dream. When in reality, my grandpa's passed away.

Anyhoo. What am doing, babbling about dreams here? Well, who knows, one day my children can read the story about how their mom used to fly around with Peter Pan and the whole bunch, and watch colorful hippos floating in the sky from her window.

we always said it's forever in this beautiful life

Yesterday's rapat geng was nice. We went to PIM2 and tried this new place called Cafe Cartel (which inevitably, constantly reminds me of a 90s gadget called Kartu Telepon). Once more, we were planning to catch a movie last night, but we lost track of time and ended up missing the movie. All night we just sat there, munching on calamaris and pizza, drowning ourselves in caffeine and convos (from unpleasant rumours and suspicions about Gibond to Rosel's something's psycho ex). By the way, Rosel's something--Arif--joined us. But it was better this time, I think we've grown past the memeras-otak-sampai-bengong-mikirin-mau-basa-basi-apa phase. He was very nice, and I think he passed our perploncoan-anggota-baru test with flying colours.

Anyway, since we missed the movie, we were thinking about karaoke-ing instead. But then Bune suddenly said that it was her mom's birthday so she couldn't get home too late. Okay, I admit it, I was upset, but hey what could I do about it? Deciding a date for another time of karaoke or movie was not easy. So I kept wondering--and actually dreading about--how could it become harder and harder to gather the girls together. I guess this whiny part of me will always be there to stay... But...

*ALERT: cheesy thanksgiving moment ahead*

See, for the last 1-2 weeks, I had dug a hole to the past and let myself get carried away with the bittersweet longing of all in the past known to be nostalgia. Started with reading a few high-school-related stories, listening (and singing) to old songs, allowing myself to mentally change my surroundings with things from--more or less--4 years ago (wooden desks and chairs, a fan above my head, blue Puma shoes on my feet, colorful binders, colorful scrap door, Tigger plush with extra hand-made stripes, and well, people). I could actually remember how things felt back then. When you couldn't feel anymore cooler wearing that high-school uniform (since you were definitely more mature than those ABG-ish anak-anak SMP, but you weren't as old and boring as those mbak-mbak college students). When the life-altering decision that you had to make was what to wear to the prom. When everyone was around, you saw them 6 days a week, they were as normal as a zit on your nose. When your friends were still in the same town; let it be close friends or the platonic ones.

To put cherry on top, yesterday @ Ped's, she, Bune and I watched the "VCD Batalyon". Hmmh. Surely and like always, changes could be felt; I could taste it like sugar and coffee in my mouth. People've changed from anak-kampung thin to flabby tummies and vice versa. The closest packs have grown further. Crushes change (or not?). Opinions towards people have changed (from love-sick drools to "ih, kayak anak kampung!" or from loathing Gibond to death to worrying sick about him). Even I've changed, in some ways. At some point, friends stopped being around. And I'm not talking about the platonic ones who were never really ever there at all, but close friends. I don't hang out with the same people, it constantly changes from time to time: Kacank, Angga and his Geng Infinite Sadness, Geng Angkuh and the whole Aksi bunch, Geng Pengajian, Geng Ngong and else. Paling berasa adalah kalo inget Ocha dan nasihat-nasihat sok bijaksananya. All I can think is--quoting from Graduation song--"I guess I thought that this would never end". Where is he now? Where are his advices when I need one? Where are all those people now? You get my point, don't you? I've done this wallowing-in-the-past so many times, it just becomes me.

But, there are some that stay. Drumroll please...For four years and counting, it's the girls. While others, smiles and tears, guys, parties and conflicts frequently come and go, the girls came to stay. What ironic is, four years ago, I'd put all three Bune, Pedhe and Rosel in the "come and go" box.

Girls, *here goes* I won't say any thanks or sorry here, because I really don't know what to say nor how to show you that I'm very grateful for you all. Really, no word can tell. I just want to hope that years and years from now, you three will still differentiate yourselves from everything else from the past, because you stay. Saaahh. Olive juice, girls.

i just want every boy i see, to walk away with part of me

What have I been feeling lately?

To quote one of my best friends: "Inikah yang dinamakan cinta? Rasanya hati ini berdegup kencang kalo liat doski."

'Doski' here is a new mister on the blog, Mr.Bonjang. And, no, it's not 'cinta', it's more like 'napsu'. Ahahah... Pure physical attraction, seriously. And earlier today, he just looked good in a black tee and his army-green jacket. Ahh, membayangkannya saja sudah lemas! Yeah, yeah, he's mighty fine *lagi bayangin* Best part is, as meaningless as it is, it's great to know there's a possibility of giddiness when I go to the campus.

Or maybe this could be my temporary hormonal rage talking. See yesterday, another old mister was wearing his striped shirt (my absolute favorite), and inside skipped a beat. Also yesterday, another not-quite-a mister said some kind of 'hi' through a friend, via text message! And yet, all of the sudden, I was missing him so much. Well, those two cases are definitely temporary, for today I don't feel anything skipping its beat nor me missing anyone.

But Bonjang? Ahh, best thing about lately besides my karaoke sessions with ibu-ibu Inggris yesterday and my rapat geng plan for tomorrow x)

you missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye

I've just spent the whole afternoon looking for a topic for my penpop assignment, developing it and typing it while doing so. When I was just few sentences away from finishing the assignment, Nilam reminded me that we weren't supposed to find our own topic, but to develope the Pak Ismail-given topic. Waaahh, how could I forget? Ugh. Anyway, now I've lost my mood to do any thinking, so here I am, trying to pour my brain out.

I've finally reached the 8th and--hopefully--the last semester of my days as a uni student. When I arranged my classes at the beginning of this semester, I thought everything was settled and well-planned. Turns out, nothing is that easy. I'm now faced with a few probs: kurangnya SKS mata kuliah pilihan dan kelas-kelas yang bentrok, meanwhile I really, really have to finish everything this semester. I can't afford any extra semester, really.

About my teaching job, I tried to resign a few days ago. But I only managed to reduce my working hour from 4 hours a week to 3... until I find my substitute, that is. Well at least now I can have a preschooler-free friday afternoon.

Moving on to a whole different subject...

Last night I had one of our "rapat geng"s with the girls. The last time we had one of those was December 3rd 2005. It took 2 months and a week to get together again! Owmaygad. I mean, how hard can it be, right, to gather 4 people together at the same time and place? Well, actually, very hard.

We were planning to watch a local movie (it was either Jomblo or Realita Cinta dan Rock and Roll), but Ped and I thought it would be such a waste to spend our time together watching some movie when we could actually talk and do some catching up about each other. Besides, we were late for the movie anyway. So we headed to Citos for some drinks. Bune and I were with Peds, while Rosel was with Arif (her friend or ahem, something). Turned out, there was this Ajang Boyband event @ Citos that caused a major traffic jam. Citos was so full, they stopped letting cars enter the parking lot; including Ped's car. Therefore we went to Kemang instead and looked for an interesting place to have a drink or two. Didn't find it. Sooo, after waiting and hoping for the traffic to ease up @ Mc.D Kemang, we headed back to Citos. Haha. We got into the parking lot this time and finally went to Tartine for the drinks (and foods).

It was nice. Well of course it was, I was with the girls. But I think last night went too fast. We spent the night 40% on the road with Rosel in the other car. There was someone new that we weren't too familar with, Arif. Not that I mind he joined us, but it was obvious that he and the geng (aside from Ros) were still in the memeras-otak-sampai-bengong-mikirin-mau-basa-basi-apa phase. Borrowing a word from Bangun, jadi kurang "lepas" lah QT semalam itu. Point is, time flew by too fast and we didn't use our time together as good as we could last night.

Of course, we can have another QT soon, but there was Bune and her--what I think as unreasonable--excuses. In the end, I can't help feeling kebat-kebit--or restless you may call--thinking about when our next get-together will be. It really is that hard to gather four best friends together at the same place and same time. Haw. Segini masih kuliah dan masih di kota yang sama.

Let's just hope Bune's "liat ntar" brings some "ayok aja" in the end.

Here's something to reminisce our youth years from now when our rapat geng become less frequent (Naudzubillahminzalik...)

"The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?"
[Modest Mouse]

Ahem, in this warm saturday afternoon, I'd like to welcome the 3rd and newest reader of this blog,

Bangun Suryoputro

Congratulation for easily finding this blog. Remember, keep it hush-hush until further notice.

get up and see the sarcasm in my eyes

Seven things that scare me:
1. Death, definitely.
2. Losing friends to anything.
3. Bankruptcy.
4. Losing my mom (aku anak mami).
5. Completely losing my sanity.
6. The process of giving birth.
7. Getting old and superfat.

Seven random facts about me:
1. I hate and am terribly scared of anything related to hospitals. Old ambulance (you know, yang putih dan udah agak butut), needles, blood tests, doctors, and the hospital itself.
2. I'm known for saying 'terserah' when given two choices or more. Not because I cannot decide anything, but because I don't mind any of the options.
3. I'm a curiousity-driven person.
4. I talked to my mom's potted plants when I was a little. If you know a plant called sufflir, and you know a young part of it which shaped like swirls, well I called them "tuan ulat".
5. I love attention but not the unwanted ones.
6. I don't believe in happy endings, happy marriage, loyalty, honesty and other muluk-muluk things; but am willing and dying to be proven wrong.
7. I still sleep with my mom even though I have my own room now.

Seven things I hope to do before I die:
1. Go to NYC, better yet, live there.
2. Take my cousins to Disneyland.
3. Skinny-dip or dance naked under the rain. However, as I grow older, i'm having a second thought...
4. Get filthy rich.
5. Bang Guy Berryman... (ini mah muluk-muluk).
6. Get married and have children, maybe. Deep down, I'm still an old-fashioned girl.
7. Cukup beribadah, biar dosanya keapus.

Seven things I can do:
1. I can make people pour out their deepest feelings, stories or secrets; sometimes, without even asking them to.
2. Despise people without any reasonable excuse.
3. Remember dates and events like a walking diary. I know that is nothing, but trust me, when you know people like Bune and Rozelle, it'll count as a special talent.
4. I can make reasonable excuses for everything.
5. Fall easily for anyone one day and loathe them the next.
6. Cut my own hair and still look fabulous.
7. Be a total drama queen.

Seven people who should fill this out:
1. Pedhe
2. I'd like to say Sindro, but she's done it already. I got this from her.
3. I don't have many friends.
4. I don't have many friends who know about this blog.
5. Er...
6. Um,...
7. Well...

we never change, do we? we never learn, do we?

Who has the best cousins ever?

I'd like to say Rozelle for she has one that is very...er, goodlooking. But humor aside, it's me. I have Khesia and Archie, or Kakak and Chichi as I usually call. See, I used to live with them until their mother remarried, then they're out of the house. Back then, when we were all still in this house, neither of us cherished the time. But now that we live separately, I treasure every time I've spent with them.

Just yesterday they came by because Khesia needs tutoring for her english. It was fun teaching her because we always slipped in stupid, retard-ish jokes and talks. Dinner time was the best, everyone was around, including keluarga "rumah depan". As usual, it was us--the youngest girls in the house--who dominated the conversation. We talked about people, made fun of some, and laughed about some others. And oh how I miss the time when that happened every night. And after that, we made water balloons which we called "silikon kampung utan" from these balon tiup kampung thingy just like when we were younger.

Seriously, they're the perfect mix of: Beavis, Butthead, Ren, Stimpy, The Plastics from Mean Girls, sugar and spice and everything nice. And aside from the girls, they're the closest thing I got to having sisters. Sure, I've sisters of my own, but you know...

----------

Moving on. Holiday has been a snooze fest so far. I haven't found anything to do, that is interesting, exactly. Of course there's my teaching job, and another assignment *gasp*. In case anyone's wondering how come I still have assignment to deal with during holiday, let's just say I have to thank my forgetfulness for it. Ugh. However, I enjoy having days off. I can stay up late, wake up in the middle of the day, and watch TV like there's no tomorrow.

Speaking of which, nowadays I spend my wee hours watching Cartoon Network. 1am, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, 1.30 Grim Adventure of Billy and Mandy, and 2am Powerpuff Girls. Heheh. I know I've turned 21 not too long ago, but these cartoons are very entertaining. And my latest favorite is just adorable:

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

Anyway. I better work on my assignment.

Au revoir.

the doctor told her years ago that she was ill, the doctor told her years ago to take a pill

Erm, correction, my chocolate chip cookies turned out to be as hard as rock. Boo hoo. But they still taste good *smug smile*

Anyway. About a week ago, when I was in Bandung, Ebonk was sick. And I told him something like, "makanya pulang kenapa? kalo di jakarta kan ada yang ngurus. makanya makan yang bener," and bla bla bla.

Next, on monday, I called Bune and she said she still wasn't feeling very well. And I said something like, "ah, cupu. sakit mulu deh. makanya jaga kesehatan dong."

On the same day, I called Ingga and found out that he wasn't feeling very well either. And I said something like, "kok lo kayak orang-orang sih. giliran gue alhamdulillah sehat walafiat dan mau ngajak orang-orang jalan, kalian pada sakit. makanya jaga kesehatan dong! wuu." *note: it was usually me who was ill during holiday season. Hello, NYE 2004 =p

Still on Monday, I found out Yoyok was sick. I didn't say anything though, because it was Ped who told me about him.

Fast forward to wednesday night, I got a fever. My body was so hot, literally. And I felt sore all over. The next morning, I hadn't fully recovered but I was okay. However, that night, I had this twisting pain in my stomach. I don't know why, but I think I OD from all the vitamin C I took to cure my sariawan. Friday, no more stomachache but I had a runny nose. And now, I keep coughing like dogs on crack, and I still have a runny nose. My voice even starts to sound like banci again.

Moral lesson, hati-hati kalo sombong, kalo sok, dan kalo ngomong.

i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget

Just a minute ago Rosel called me from one of the many weddings she attends to. Guess whom she had seen earlier? Mr.Pudding in batik shirt. Ooh, lucky Rosel. This is just like the time when Bune said she saw him riding ojek... Mereka yang ketemu, gue yang deg-degan. Hahah. Norak.

Anyhoo. Little updates.

I've finished my last final exam yesterday. No more presentation, no more papers, no more exams... Well at least for the next couple of months.

-----

So, last night, my friends from english dept. decided to get together @ Warung Baba-Kemang. 'My friends' here were, Monik, Ima, Nissa, Tisam, Nilam, Sindro, Memmy and Pani. Yep, all girls. That's what's wrong with my campus, lacking in male species. Anyway, it was fun, and I'm glad I decided to wake up from my seemed-like everlasting sleep and go.

-----

As in today, I used my free time making chocolate chip cookies. Not bad, I must say.

-----

I fall even more in love with... Guy Berryman. And also, in lust with Gael Garcia Bernal. Hahah.

Omygod. I find myself lacking in words to write. I'll come back when I'm able to write something even slightly better than what's above. Even obituary is more interesting than that.

Arrivederci.

At the final moment, I cried. I always cry at endings.

Nothings and everythings in 2005

1. First thing in 2005, tried smoking for the first time.
2. Went to Bandung with Pedhe by TRAIN!!! Interesting... except for the trip back to Jakarta when I got really tired and slept all through the way. Piss, Ped =p
3. Dreading and waiting for my hair to grow back.
4. Learned to play bowling for the first time.
5. Started to learn how to drive, again, just so I wouldn't lose a bet with Ped. Ended up losing it anyway.
6. Tried shopping @ Passer Baroe for the first time.
7. Joined the Mading team.
8. Bought my very own computer... yang selalu ada aja aksinya.
9. Tried mushrooms (magic ones) for the first time.
10. Naik kereta gantung setelah bertaun-taun nggak.
11. Sleepover @ Bune's for the 1st time, setelah berteman bertahun-tahun.
12. Satu lagi teman yang keluar dari Jakarta: Oho left the country for better education (or was it a better rockstar's life?) in Oz.
13. Grew closer to Syarif. Close enough for him to irritatingly read my mind.
14. Squeezed my brain dry, thinking a way to make a forgetful guy remember moi.
15. Geng Suril yang dibuat pada malam 1 suril yang sungguh... well, surreal. Hi Nil, Sind, Nand.
16. Pedhe and Bangun became official. Yaay!
17. Went to Pasar Senen for the 1st time. And last time, as a matter of fact.
18. Ditaksir suami orang.
19. Naksir pacar temen.
20. Started smoking like crazy. Daily. It lasted for a month or so.
21. Suril times with geng Suril by the lake.
22. Jadi penerima tamu buat Nusantara Symphony Orchestra. Gaji buta.
23. Trying out for Starbucks' recruitment. Interview, check. IQ test or some sort, check. But they didn't call back.
24. Olimpiade UI and me being a loyal supporter of it.
25. Piknik Jadul with some of my classmates by the lake.
26. Managed to get a certain someone to drive me home.
27. Joined the Festbud committee.
28. On-again-off-again Bali trip. In the end, it was off for me.
29. Rozelle and Ingga became official. Double yay!
30. Went to Bandung and back in just one night.
31. Ngambil semester pendek for the first time. And the last, I hope.
32. Pulang naik kereta express sama Nilam. And yeah, it was my first time.
33. The long-awaited Coldplay's album, X and Y.
34. Get together with the girls, Ingga, Yoyok, Bangun, Ebonk and Oho (for a while).
35. Went to Pekan Raya Jakarta for the 1st time, I think.
36. Jadi panitia pengawas SPMB. Another gaji buta.
37. Bune left the country for a summer course in Netherland. The longest one month in my life! Hahah.
38. Little reunion with Myra and Dhiska.
39. Kemakan omongan, and losing another bet because of it.
40. Another couple became official. This time, no yay.
41. Made an unsignificant call to a significant someone.
42. Batalyon reunion. Went well, and I was one of the masterminds. Wee-hoo!
43. Digosipin naksir Gibond.
44. I became a teacher at this place called Chrysolit. No more gaji buta.
45. Sinestra and conflicts in it.
46. Silent treatment from Nissa for a few weeks and vice versa.
47. Ingga and Rozelle broke up. Boo.
48. Roz turned 21 @ Cakalang and Tamani.
49. Bune turned 21 @ Rozelle's.
50. Cut my hair for the 1st time after Ubud. Managed to lose every bit of Ubud's on my head.
51. No buka puasa "angkatan" this year, there wasn't even a buka puasa geng. But there was a malem takbiran bersama "angkatan" yang dia-dia lagi.
52. Ped turned 21 @ Tomodachi and Molinari Cafe. Roz was absent.
53. I turned 21 on the best day of the year, which included: Culturaholic band audition, sort-of-surprise from my friends, the confetti sprays attack *my favorite part*, and dinner @ Tartine with the girls, Bangun and Angga.
54. Had a crush on someone whom I only saw 3 times this year, and godknows when I will see him again.
55. Festbud.
56. The music event of Festbud. Best and worst day of my life.
57. Kepincut lagi when I should've known better.
58. The postponed GK. It was more interesting this year. With a guy with a pudding head there, and even more interesting, a magnetic dickhead around.
59. Had a crush on an old friend after seeing him in a video from almost a year before. Interesting side-note: I found an entry in my real journal from Jan 25th 2005, and I wrote, "Although it doesn't make much difference, I always love it when he's around." And the 'he', of course, refers to that old friend.
60. Saying goodbye to the Mading team.

As for the closure of 2005, I left my very own NYC called Jakarta, to Indonesia's very own...Seattle? (abis ujan mulu) known as Bandung with Pedhe and Bangun. There were booze and weeds which I missed very much, Ebonk whom I rarely see these days, dan temen-temen kosannya Bangun yang baik hati. But sadly, after 4 NYEs together, this NYE, genk pecah because Bune and Roz couldn't make it. Take a look at what I wrote exactly a year ago:

"I know I was acting selfish by whining so that I could have the 4 of us together by the big countdown. But hey, you'll never know. Better get together as often as we can while we still can."

So, next year, I'm going to be my whiny-self again, and get the girls together no matter what. I won't accept any more excuses because I can't bear having any more annual events without all three of them around.

Anyway.
Happy New Year 2006!!!

"cos every worthless word we get more far away
and nothing's ever promised tomorrow today
and nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe,
it hurts but it may be the only way"
[Adam Levine]

i was happy to fall

Not too long ago, I couldn't turn on my monitor. I know my computer has been quite fucked up lately, but a monitor that couldn't be switched on??? Wtf. After panicking a bit and sweating like pig, ternyata kabelnya copot dari colokan. Ahahaha, Dono.

Anyway. Here are some pieces of these days.

If mom wasn't around to mock me, I almost cried watching tonight's Desperate Housewives. Tacky, I know. What's even tackier, I did cry my eyes out reading one of the Harry Potter series. And, last week, if Indra and Chichi weren't there to mock me, I definitely would cry watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Such crybaby, I know. But... I'm glad because these days, my reasons to cry are merely movies, books and tv series and not something abstract that usually attacks afterdark.

----------

My teaching days are over... for this year anyway. I've about two weeks off teaching little brats. I should be jumping up and down with glee, but nooo, I also have my assignment piling up. Papers, 5-8 pages, 10 pages, idontknowhowmany pages... Ugh. It's been quite a while since the last time these things bothered me.

----------

Yoyok's back in town! I haven't seen him again, but hearing his sok cool voice on the phone is the reason why I think life's wonderful... besides some shopping I did a few days ago. Heheh.

----------

Trivial note: today last year, was Nilam's surprise party. She had her birthday a day before. As for me, I had butterflies that day. Wasn't that fun? Please3x, someone get me subtitute butterflies, if you know what I mean.

----------

...I can't think of anything to write. See, life, lately, is somewhere between blue skies and colorful flowers and also, nyeh. I don't have anything to do, that's worth writing, I mean. Maybe I'll write a review on 2005 sometime later.

girl, interrupted

You know, on the All-American Rejects' video--dirty little secret--they show these postcards containing people's secrets. And one of them says something like this, I fear I have an undiagnosed mental disease.

And sometimes--just sometimes, bcos the other times I forget what makes me feel this way--I fear the same thing.

so pay me money and take a shot
lead fill the hole in me
i could burst a million bubbles,
all surrogate
--and bulletproof
[radiohead]

single javanese female looking for 24/7 male slave

Here's some updates.

Hm. Lessee, last saturday night I went to my cousin's wedding reception. She's two years older than me. That led to people telling me that in 2 years, it's going to be my turn. Uh-oh. Plus, kalo generasi ketiga dari keluarga Djarot (that'd be mine) diurut-urut dari tua ke muda, after this newly-wed cousin of mine, I'm next! People kept asking, kapan nyusul?

My lord.

So, dear readers (the only two, as a matter of fact), can you find me a back-up plan to fall into when it's time for my wedding bell to ring? I had two back-up plans. First, it's my pact with Yoyok 19 years from now. Second, it's with Adit 9 years from now. Ugh. I prefer Yoyok. Duh, bodohnya pembicaraan ini.

Anyway. If you do decide to get me someone, here are some requirement:
- Can play guitar. Other musical instrument would be a plus point.
- Enjoy playing soccer.
- Can drive.
- Preferably likes dogs, or at least doesn't mind them.
- Cakep/menarik.
- Islam ya insyaAllah.
- He should (choose 1): (a) give his undying love infinitely only for me, or (b) give his unlimited fortune infinitely for me.

----------

Did I tell you that I have a crush on my high-school friend right after I saw him in Ped's NYE'o5 video? Of course I did. If I keep doing this, I'll have a crush on every guy in my year. Tsk tsk.

----------

Anyhoo. My last entry, the one about the one who stood too close? Well, he's practically MIA these days. And when I did find him, it was only a split-second before he was back joined at the hips with ditzy girlfriend. So, no more fun times with him. That's ok. I'm getting tired of telling Pani that he's not that bad everytime she trashed him to death.

----------

New year's coming up. Time to get busy planning?

----------

That's the only update I can think of, Ped. I'll try to write as often as possible deh, biar kau ada bacaan kalo lagi makan gaji buta. Piss v(x_0)v

love is just a game
broken all the same
and i will get over you
love is just a lie
happens all the time
swear i know this much is true
[the magic numbers]

i got the hunger and i can't seem to get full

Omaygad. It's true what Bangun said. I am Monica Geller. For the past 1-2 weeks, I've became a punctuality sucker, a walking organizing machine, and a total control freak for this Festbud thing. Funny thing I don't mind at all. I love doing this. Maybe this is my thing. Maybe I should choose a career path in something to do with events organizing... (but then again, I change my future career option as often as I change my gebetan).

Or maybe... This is just some high talking... You know, from all the testosterones.