seize the time, cause it's now or never, baby.

I've realized, I've always been a big complainer. However, in the process I'd like to call "growing up", I also realized that I had to eliminate that bad habit. And I find it refreshing, in a way. You know, trying hard to hold back and swallow the rants and trying so hard not to whine...

But then. Did you notice something? Notice how my blog has been noticeably vacant these days?

Does that mean, when I'm not whining, I don't have anything to say?

Hahah. Just a thought.

Instead of some more rants, let's just recap on lately.

1. About my work. It's been borrrriiiiinnnggg! *So much for not whining* It's really okay actually, because I know it could've been worse. And seriously, I really can't complain. Because this job is what's been paying all my shopping sprees and my night outs. But I need to see what's out there.

Need. To. See. World.

But not from grainy papers that leave ink on my fingertips.

2. About my 2008 resolution. The one with me seizing the day? Carpe diem-ing? Well, I'm all set to do that. To grab the moment, or whatever there is in front of me. But I can't help feeling there's nothing up for grab.

Or maybe, maybee, it has something to do with my being lazy?

Whatever it is, I keep feeling like U-turning.

3. About social life. Or lackthereof. Nandia just had her birthday party Thursday (06) night at Kekun (not sure how it's spelled). It was super nice. Aside from me running late, me trying to drive as fast as I could while fighting the sleep out of my eyes, and that darn corrupted cop milking me for my very last Rp.20000, it was very fun. Seeing people from English dept. 2002 again. Talking, nasty-joking, and laughing with them (highlight: the very jayus Imel and sarcastic Sophan)non-stop until midnight was what I needed these days.

4. Speaking of anak-anak Inggris, Sindro is going awaaaay! Well, not now. But pretty soon. And like I said to you, Sind, I've always known that you were destined to see the world. To stay anywhere but this dreary town.

But. But now that it's happening, I feel weird. How it's going to be without you around? It means for the next more-or-less three years, no self-pirated DVDs, no one to whip my ass to do something, no hanging out in your blackhole-like room, no snacking at Megamendung 11...

Oh my god! I haven't even tried your swimming pool!!! And now I'm too big-boned to wear any kind of bathing suit.

Pesanku, Sind, oleh-oleh. And while you're there, look for some publisher that might be interested in publishing our Balloons. Therefore, don't forget to bring a copy of it (do you still have one?). Heheh, who knoooowwwss kaan?

5. I can't think of anything else now. In the meantime, anyone care to join me for a mental afternoon margaritas and dancing?

Let's leave at sunrise
Let's live by the ocean
I don't mind
If we never come home at all
Steal the morning
So set in motion
In and out of love
And institutions
Cause I know
This can't last for long
[Doves]

i thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine

Last night I watched the Incubus concert. On a work night! Wild. =D

I know when you're 23 and practically have all the freedom in your hand, it's not exactly as exciting as going for booze and weeds on a school night. But still. I'm glad I still can be one of those people who work and go out for some music or such--on work nights!!!

Anyway. About the concert. You know how I always get smitten after watching concerts? Well, this time I was beyond smitten. Mr. Boyd. His hypnotizing moves. Barechested. Pelvic bones. And of course seeing the tsk-tsk-tsk-ahhh part of Are You In live. Tsk, the concert was a total mindfuck! Literally.

And I'm screwed real good.



photo courtesy of PM from rileks.com

i'm in love with something that i can't see

This is a bit late, but,

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Please note that this is the year of the rat. And I was born under the sign. A friend once said that when it's our year, we have to take every chance that we got. Because the result will most likely be good. Therefore, my sort-of new year's resolution is... to take more chance, to try more things, to live more. Wait, that's three.

Anyway. The point is, I'm going to seize the day more. Carpe diem. That's sort of thing. Although it'll be a tad difficult, considering my laziness. But I'm going to try anyway.

-----

For the new year's eve itself, I spent it in Bandung. With Ped and Ngong. We had our countdown moment in a karaoke lounge. 100% alcohol free, for the first time in... what, 5 years? Then we reviewed 2007 over martabak manis and martabak telor, made wishes for 2008, and hoped that we'll spend the next new year's eve together, and maybe with more people.

-----

Last but not least. My habit of reviewing the previous year. Let's take a walk back to 2007, shall we? I'll make it short this time.

1. The whole I-want-to-sleep-next-to-him butterflies. Hahah. It must've been the lonely air of the holiday season.
2. The whole ship-that-supposedly-can't-sink issue. Still haven't got that sorted out yet.
3. Got a job in a local tabloid, Wanita Indonesia. Got myself some great friends, who taught me a thing or two about life. Like what it's like to be old like them. Teehee.
4. My article about suicide had actually stopped some reader from doing so. Nice, eh? The most rewarding thing so far.
5. Quitted my job. Had  two months of a beautiful slacker's life. 
6. Got another job as a secret agent.

Quiet year, huh? Well, here's to a more exciting 366 days of 2008. Cheers!

the wheel is reeling
but such a waste
for i keep u-turning.

she'll let you deep inside, but there's a secret garden she hides

=========================================================

The Rules:
1. Each blogger must post these rules
2. Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves
3. Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight
things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose
eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and
to read ur blog.

==========================================================
Here goes. Eight secret (or not) doors opened.

1. I hate people easily. I fall for people easily. And I fall out of love easily too. Generally. So, If you're afraid that I might hate you, don't fret. And if you know that I have a crush on you or some sort, don't be flattered just yet. I do that to everybody else.

2. I have an eternal inner 5-year-old in me. I still watch cartoons, create imaginary friends, adore santa, and go crazy over balloons. I try my best to be mature when needed, but I don't think anyone should let their inner child disappear.

3. I'm a big dreamer/daydreamer. I often take my dreams seriously. And I sometimes can't tell the dreams apart from reality.

4. However, I find it hard to believe in things like happily ever after, marriage, honesty, loyalty, and all the muluk-muluk things. But, I'm willing (if not, dying) to be proven wrong.

5. I believe that we have our options. And I always think that, kalo bisa gampang kenapa mesti dibuat susah. So, I always try my best to avoid difficult, uncomfortable, inconvenient situation. For example, I refuse to take a bus, if I have enough money to pay a cab instead. People often take me for some kind of spoiled brat.  Well maybe I am. But I think I'm just living out my options.

6. I don't like people that much. I think some of them are just bad to the bone, and the rest are plainly disappointing. However, I've made some limited exception. There are people I actually care about, no matter what they do.

7. I LOATHE icky bathrooms.

8. I love ice cream. Especially Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Brownies and Cookie Dough!

The next victims are......

1. Pedhe
2. Andrei
3. ...
4. ...
5. ...
6. ...
7. ...
8. ... Told you, I don't like people that much. Whoever want to try this thing, knock yourself out!

take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white

It's friday night! Rah-rah!

And yet, I'm not out living the life of gadis metropolitan. This moment is too precious to NOT spend it resting at home. Yes, I'm very much an anti-social slave nowadays. I have no social life whatsoever. And of course, when I have no time for living, I have no time for primping.

So, as I constantly read articles about how three morning star flags were found at Abepura's prison on my Everest-like newspaper pile, I have my very own three morning stars on my forehead known as zits.

Bleurgh.

Well, at least I get paid good. And when I finally have an Everest-like moolah pile instead, I'll buy myself some social life and flawless skin.

On a lighter note, christmas is coming up.

you hate us 'cos we're beautiful, well we don't like you either, we're cheerleaders!

You know, in a typical teen flick, there's always this stereotype towards cheerleaders? That they're popular--on the upside. But on the downside, they're stupid, fake, slutty, shallow... What else, you mention.

See, I myself joined the cheerleader squad back in high school. And generally, the above mentioned assumption wouldn't upset me. Because I know better. What sets cheerleaders apart from... people, is they dance. They do awesome acrobatic maneuvers (not me, though I wish I could).

Generally.

But of course, there are exceptional moments. Like now, when I've just watched a few episodes of Popular, and make myself wonder, why Sam "Spam" McPherson and her pathetic group of friends (excluding Carmen) can be so mean towards the idea of cheerleading--for (sometimes) very irrelevant reasons.

But no perverted act of typecasting has upset me more than what my friend did. See, there was this girl I knew back in college days. She's smart, witty, and unique. Well, at least, she always spoke her--supposedly--unique mind. Of course, to me, she's as unique as someone who tries to be--which is everyone.

Anyvaaaay. Quite many months ago, this girl posted one of those questionnaires in a public posting site. When asked which she would prefer to do, marching band or cheerleading, she answered the first one. Why? Because, she won't have "to act like some slutty idiotic bunnies".

I wish she had said that to my face, just so I could shove her smart-ass brain into her mouth.

Tsk. It furiates me so much to see how a supposedly smart person can be so narrow-minded and rude. Let me ask you all, do you have anything against cheerleaders? If yes, why? Please, take your time in thinking over the answer, before submitting it to ms. Crankypants here.

wake up, kids, we got the dreamers disease

I just saw Peter Pan, the 2003 movie version, yesterday. And here's a quote from it:

"Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about
grown up things again." -Peter.

While I agree with Wendy who says that 'never' is an awfully long time, but come oooon! Is Peter the man--I mean boy--of my dreams or what? Besides the fact that I've dreamt about flying with him, literally, he also lives in Neverland! And he can teach you to fly, and he promises grown-up-worries-free adventures!

Darn. Why oh why can't he be for real?

when did your heart go missing?

I was talking with my aunt and uncle this afternoon, when I mentioned something about how my gram, mom, and another aunt were so good in berbasa-basi, and au contraire in my case. Then my uncle and aunt said that, actually, when I was younger, I was very good at berbasa-basi. They said, I used to say hi first to everyone, I couldn't stop talking in my waking hours, I got along well with new people...

In their word, I was so--prepare to look up your Javanese dictionary--"sumeh".

Wow. I guess none of you readers ever knew that part of me, huh? Heheh. Even I almost forgot that that Runi existed at some point.

Let's review a bit of lately. I--along with some friend(s?)--are said to be "gampang benci orang", there have been complains about me never saying hi first (wink-wink, Sind), and I'm not that excited about new people...

Well, at least, I'm still talkative, right? Every once in a while...

Right?

-----

This just in: Mr. Dogol, single?

falling about, i took a left off last laugh lane

Wee-hoo. It's a few days away from lebaran. While I don't actually like the D-day, au contraire with the few days before. Indra has come home, Khesia and Archie constantly have sleepovers...

With my cousins all around, I have shopping-slash-driving-mindlessly-around-town partners in daytime. And at nights, it's like having my own insomniac club here. Now in the wee hours, I don't have to blind myself out staring at the TV or my PC monitor. I can act retarded, play let's-visit-engkoh-the-fortune-teller, and dance like there's no tomorrow to the 80s songs in the dimmed red light with them, while waiting for the sahur time.

Nice. Being locked in neverland once again.

-----

From lately.

There are bits and pieces. Like an insignificant (but still butterflies-worthy) reference of my name, a stupefying dream, a brief (but still nice) blast from the past, and...

O yeah, I'll be having a job, two weeks from now... *crossing fingers*

falling slowly. sing your melody. i'll sing along.

These are the things I've spent this entire day for:

- Unsuccesfully tried to write and doodle, and had the results of these half-baked amateur works.
- Demolished my Mt.Everest-like comic/book/mag/note-pile in mom's room.
- Took a shower with mom's scrub salts.
- Succesfully read the first 10 pages out of Lolita. Of course, the story begins from page 7.
- Finished the second disc of the first season of That 70s Show.
- Watched Ugly Betty.
- Painted my toenails pink. And now they look pretty, if I might add.

Phew. Big day.

it's nice not to be so alone, but i hold onto secrets in white houses

The butterflies I felt about 2 weeks ago are no longer here. "What was I thinking" had even crossed my mind.

So, what am I doing now? Two a.m. in the wee time, involved in another conversation with the same person I had a convo with two weeks ago. Listening to him unmercifully unload about everything, when I could've watched Ugly Betty rerun or even better, slept?

It's not a crush, and the butterflies aren't coming back. And no, I'm not in denial. In fact, I know exactly why I'm here.

Because I'm a sucker for this. Yes, I'm a sucker for people unloading to me. Listening to people's deepest secrets, fears, and hopes is somewhat... empowering. Dear lord, I'm a trash bin by choice...

i'd tell you sad stories about my childhood. i don't know why i trusted you, but i know that i could

Updates from this past few weeks.

I've left my job, on August 24th, to be exact. It wasn't as liberating as the time I quitted my teaching job. Tears and fears came pouring down. But hey, I think I'm moving on. In fact, I've moved on. It's not like I'm losing my friends there. I still got to see them, especially when I was paying the meals.

Case in point, last Friday, at my supposedly-farewell-dinner. I rounded up the PLUS* guys at Dimsum Festival Kemang. Seeing them turned out to be very, very exciting and overwhelming. Butterflies went wild and they didn't even stop for awhile to catch some air.

Anyway. I actually don't know if the butterflies were there for the little reunion, or for something else...

Moving on to the next subject.

Have you ever had one of those long talks, that stay all through the wee hours? I bet you have. But have you had one that makes you feel... comfortable and a bit giddy, maybe, at the same time? Like you could get lost in the convo right there, right then? And then the butterflies from it actually stay for a few days?!!

Like I've asked a few of my friends before, I'll ask again, what was that? If I feel like the mentioned above, does that necessarily mean, I have a crush on the convo-partner? Nuh, right? Well, whatever that was, my feelings are back to normal now. So, I think it was just some case of momentarily lapse for being an infatuation-prone, right? Rrrrigghht. Inputs are welcome, though.

Okie. I think that's it from moi. I've lost my mood to ramble some more.
See you soon!

seven years disappear below my feet

This is from having too much time in my hand.

7 YEARS AGO

1) How old were you?
* 15-16

2) Where did you go to school?
* SMA 70

3) Where did you work?
* Wherever people needed some pompoms to be waved.

4) Where did you live?
* Jakarta

5) Where did you hang out?
* Blok M Plaza kalo pulang sekolah. Dan mall-mall lainnya.

6) Did you wear glasses?
* I started wearing contacts this time around.

7) Who was your friend(s)?
* Bune, I think. And people from my class.

8) How many piercings did you have?
* None.

9) What car did you drive?
* Couldn't drive at all. hahah.

10) Had you been to a real party?
* Define real party.

12) Had your heart broken?
* Yah, namanya juga anak muda. Dikit-dikit brokenhearted.

13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?
* Single

2 YEARS AGO.

1) How old were you?
* 20

2) Where did you go to school?
* English lit, UI

3) Where did you work?
* Chrysolit English Course

4) Where did you live?
* Jakarta

5) Where did you hang out?
* Kansas, and still, malls all around south jakarta

6) Did you wear glasses?
* Still wearing contact lenses

7) Who were your friends?
* Pedbunros, and I think by this time, I had softened up a bit towards people in my campus, and I found a whole new fship in people, especially Sinnilnan.

8) Who was your crush?
* I think this forgetful boy--or should I say Boi. Who was--according to my own words back then--"hard to like, but hard to hate".

9) How many tattoos did you have?
* None

10) How many piercings did you have?
* Six

11) What car did you drive?
* I don't think I could drive back then. But I remember taking sind's car for a few rounds around the campus.

12) Had your heart broken?
* Yaah, I don't know. But I think I learned some time then, that heartbroken is just a state of mind.

13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?
* Single

NOW, 2007.

1) How old are you?
* 22

2) Where do you work?
* Actually, I just quitted my job at Tabloid Wanita Indonesia last week.

3) Where do you live?
* Jakarta

4) Do you wear glasses?
* Still on the lenses

5) Who are your friends?
* Pedbunros, thankfully Sinnilnan are still around. And few others whom I hope will stay around.

6) Do you talk to your old friends?
* Which old friends?

7) How many piercings do you have?
* Still 6

8) How many tattoos?
* Still none

9) What kind of car do you have?
* Honda City. Well, it's mom's actually. but I drive it now!

10) Has your heart been broken?
* I hope I'm way smarter now to ever feel brokenhearted anymore.

11) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?:
* Single. Ahuihuii.

12) Where did you go to school?
* What? "Did"? Didn't I mention that already?

13) Where did you hang out?
* Duh, where there are foods, drinks, my friends and a smoking area.

oh and i'll laugh all the way to hell

Turns out, there are other applicants. And I took part in interviewing them last Thursday.

The first one was blah. All I remember from interviewing her was that I said "standar" to my boss when she left the room, and nothing else.

The second one, in my opinion, is the best candidate so far. She used to write for Hai's suplementary Koran SMA. And god knows how my boss is head over heels in love with Hai. She's easy, in terms of, she doesn't mind leaving her classes for work, nor does she mind coming in on weekend to work.

The third girl was... Well, I don't think she can be called a girl. She's about 27, and she already has one child. I think she was too loud, and her appearance was way too tacky for an interview. She might be good in getting the dirt from the local artists, though.

The last one, had the most attractive appearance. By attractive, I mean, she would fit right in among those ABG-ABG PIM. Music and fashion wise, I got the impression that she was an up-to-date person. Not forward, but enough. But she had a difficult time in finishing a sentence. Very, very lenjeh. Ketiup-angin-langsung-terbang kind of girl.

So there you go. Which one do you think is the right one for my replacement? Of course, they're no me...

...Oh, just humor me. I'm about to lose my job.

-----

About lately.

- I can't believe it's easier to see people from out of town, than people who live 10-30 minutes away from me...

- Try wearing kebaya and kain--with a supertight bustier that only enables you to sit in one position, straight up--and try driving as fast as you can through saturday night's traffic. I did. And I must say, as a woman, I never felt so empowered before.

- Currently trying to compile some of my doodlings for the book plan. Crossing fingers, amen, amen, amen!

-Talking about plans, I'll be an unemployment in about 2 days or so. I need to have some plans! Anybody knows where I can rent a decent car with the lowest price?

- Anybody knows where I can get some info about master degree scholarship in New York?

- And FYI, I'll be as easy as cheap hookers soon. So, anyone wants to get together (to hang out, of course), call me. And if anyone has any job offering (aside from hookering, that is), call me.

pretty eyed, pirate smile, i'll marry a music man

Just like my friends before me, I'm back to filling this sort of thing.

Name your 15 favorite songs and then answer the questions below.
1. Tonight Tonight - Smashing Pumpkins
2. Shiver - Coldplay
3. Ordinary World - Duran Duran
4. Strange And Beautiful - Aqualung
5. Warning Sign - Coldplay
6. I'll Stop The World And Melt With You - The Cure
7. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
8. When I'm Thinking About You - The Sundays
9. Read My Mind - The Killers
10. Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
11. On Your Own - The Verve
12. Ocean's Breathes Salty - Modest Mouse
13. Let Down - Radiohead
14. Cut Here - The Cure
15. Tiny Dancer - Elton John

*Where's the first time you hear the song number 9?
I think in Ped's car, since she has the CD.

*What do you feel when you hear song number 4?
Heartbroken.

*You'll give number 14 for?
Old friends I run into.

*You'll hear number 10 when you feel so........Melancholily bottled up. "fade into you, i think it's strange you never knew".

*Do you like the singer number 2?
I like the bass player even better!

*Who will you dance with while you hear number 3?
Young John Taylor. Hahah, with semi-mullet, ruffled collar and shoulder pads. That or someone who knows or is able to sing the song ;)

*Your fav lyrics of song number 1?
"Believe in me as I believe in you tonight"

*Do you listen song number 7 when you're broken heart?
No. But maybe when I'm in need of some mood-boosting.

*Miss number 5?
No, 'cos "the truth is I miss YOU".

*Who will you remember if you hear number 8?
You, naturally. Since I'm thinking about you.

*What's the unique side of number 12?
Its lyrics. I don't really get it, it might be about some afterlife (or the lack of it). But listen to the words, and tell me it's not magical and beautiful.

*If someone sings number 15 to you?
If this someone is Billy Crudup or Dave Grohl, well then, hello! But if the someone is Elton John himself, then, thanks but no thanks.

*Number 6 makes you happy?
Sometimes. Because the song is kinda upbeat. It actually makes me go aww.

*Why'd you love number 13?
Because it's Thom Yorke singing genuine Radiohead's mournful tunes about "the emptiest of feelings" and "disappointed people" called Let Down. I mean, you can't get any more depressive than this. Nice.

*If a street musician sings number 11?
Wondering why he/she still stays on the street.

when i say out loud i want to get out of this, i wonder, is there anything i'm going to miss

Yesterday, I saw a girl. About my age. Nothing unusual, jeans, tee, and cardi if I'm not mistaken. And aside from her bag, the only thing she carried was a big brown envelope. She was passing me, S, and another guy from the artistic on her way in. She had that fearful-slash-jittery look. You know, like she couldn't bring herself to look directly at us, so instead she tried her best to nail her eyes to her shoes. She went in for like 30 seconds, came back out again, and the envelope had gone.

S and I looked and smirked at each other. And almost simultaneously said "my (/your) replacement". And sighed.

My prejudgement about the girl? As Phoebe Buffay might say, I think she's "vanilla". I wonder what the other applicants look like. I wonder if there's any other applicant.

i think that i'm throwing, but i'm thrown

So, there you go, bandages have been ripped off. One went well, and will stay well (hopefully).

The other...

Well, it's about me resigning. Mini boss took it well (he's a zen kind of person), than I imagined. But I think--and this will sound very egotistical of me--I THINK, he was this close to crying. His eyes were glassy and all. Hahah.

I shouldn't laugh, though. Because lately, I've been living in a near-tears state. I don't know if it's because my works keep piling up, and I loathe them. Or my 5-or-so months crying-celibacy has finally ran out its route. Or maybe because no matter what, it's still kinda hard to part with this place.

And of course. Now that I've said, this is it, I'm really quitting, the good things are coming back to the surface. Just two days ago, mini boss, S (big-bully-like artistic guy/occasional big brother figure), and I went to get late night ice cream. And as always, they were acting embarassingly stupid on our way there and back. That was kind of fun. It's been a while since we did that. And after few incomplete meetings, yesterday, all of us were there. That was also fun...

I'm still leaving. But somehow it feels as hard as staying.

Unexpectedly, my inside was really squeezed last night. When I saw S doing layouts and putting this ad: PLUS* Wanted, Jadi Reporter Yuk! I know, I know I shouldn't complain. I was the one who ask mini boss to go look for my sub. But it just felt so... final.

Well, I'm still leaving. And if I change my mind, I know I'll regret it. So, bye-bye.

Darn, this one bandage is ripping itself off oh-so-slowly.

sometimes you just have to walk away, wishing today was yesterday

Random. Random. Random.

- Saw KT Tunstall's old vid--Other Side Of The World--yesterday. The guy in the video is zsazsazsu-inducing. And I still don't know who that is. Anybody knows?

- Anyone knows where to get a heart-shaped glasses? And I'm not talking about Marilyn Manson new single. I literally mean, sunglasses with heart-shaped frames. Me wanna very much. Please suggest something cheaper than Topshop's Rp. 239000 one, or Mango Rp. 299000 one. Much much cheaper.

- Isn't Shirley Manson just gorgeous in Garbage's Tell Me Where It Hurts video? Red head and all.

- Current favorite catchy song: Rooney's When Did Your Heart Go Missing. Basically, it sounds the same like their other songs, but something about this one that sticks more. I dig the end part, when the vocalist starts to converse the words rather than sing them? And the lines are: "I don't know where your heart went/ It was here just the other day/ Now it's gone/ I'm gonna call the police/ Call the investigator, the heart investigator". Muwahahah. It's so tacky, it's gooood!

- I like Badly Drawn Boy's new video, Promises. It looks like a lamp shop. You know, similar to KoC's Cayman Island. And just like I love balloons, I love lamps.

- Have you been through this: You have to have a serious talk with someone (/people). And you rehearse it in your mind over and over. You even prepare some worst-case scenario. But when it's getting closer to that talk, you're afraid everything you've prepared to say, won't make any sense at all. Either today or tomorrow, I have to tell my midget boss that I won't renew my working contract next month. Scary. And I have to have the "we need to talk" kind of talk, with people I never thought I would have one with. *sigh*

- I'm hungry.

not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me

Has anyone listened to Justin Timberlake's I Think She Knows/Love Stoned? Not my favorite, but maaan, I love the end part. When the music suddenly gets very serene? Enticing.

And aside from that, I have nothing to tell here.

Except that I miss some people, some moments in time, some conversations,

Somewhere.

shoot me in the head

Come to think of it, I've always wanted to be a journalist because I like to write. But interviewing people? That's another story. Well, I actually don't mind interviewing people. But interviewing local artists that I've never heard before and I don't care anything about... There's something about it that I loathe. Yes, LOATHE.

And what I loathe more than interviewing them?

Having to interview them with my mini boss around. Ugh. Why doesn't he let me patronize these wannabes by myself???

Iwantout. Iwantout. Iwantout. Bwaaaahhhh!!! x'0

can we start this again?

I've been trying to be optimistic for quite a while. But the feeling is phasing out. And it's just like we are, from where I'm standing right now.

So, tell me you're not phasing us out.

Please.
-----

Someone turn me around
Can I start this again?
Now someone turn us around
Can we start this again?

We've all been changed
From what we were
Our broken parts
Left smashed off the floor

I can't believe you
If I can't hear you
I can't believe you
If I can't hear you
[Editors]

killmenow. killmenow. killmenow.

I bought a bottle of Nu Green Tea one day, and noticed that they (whatever company that produces the drink) gave away prizes depending on what was written on the inside of the bottle cap.

So I opened the bottle, and took a look. There it was, written in the same shade of orange as the bottle cap...

BELUM BERUNTUNG

Of course.

Now, the bottle-opening scene and the image of that bottle cap always haunt me everytime things don't go my way.

Yes, belum beruntung, indeed.

i can't be losing sleep over this

So, so far I've been working in this place I'd like to call the sinking ship office for 3 months and 4 days...

3 months!!! I thought I had went through 3 lifetimes here. I still have some more 3 months to go before my contract expires.

And just like normal people, I'm starting to loathe my job. No more eager, idealistic, optimistic fool. I've come to realize that my job is not well paid, nor it has the professional working ethics. This is a joke.

And I hate my boss, because he's stupid. He always insists on giving teenagers the coolest and hippest pieces. When really, aside from his girlfriend, he's even further from the word 'teenagers' than I am. And seriously, he's not cool and definitely not hip.

I don't know if I'm telling the exact facts or if it's just some 3-months-crisis talking.

Point is, I have to get out of here. But there's always that dreadful point of getting started. In this case, getting started to quit.

hold on to this kite, just don't let me down

Bits And Pieces.

- I'm gonna be an aunt. Tee-hee. Yes, my sister's a pregger. That is nice and exciting. On the other hand, the pregnancy justifies my sister's being a big spoiled brat for about 9 months. Okay, take a deep breath...

- Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger are so last year. Blake Lewis and Chris Richardson (from AI) make the cutest couple ever. Heheh. No, they aren't going out or something. But I see they have become best friends... And best friends that look good always score high in my book. Too bad, Chris is going home. Maybe he doesn't sing well, but he's easy on the eyes.
*Ps. Blake looks even better with the dark hair!

- Another good-looking besties are Peter Parker and Harry Osborne. Have you watched Spiderman 3? This couple, however, are more likely to pull a Brokeback Mountain routine. I mean with all the Hallmark-channel-material scenes and all. But the movie was entertaining, still.

- Speaking of which, I watched the movie yesterday, with Ing, Bunsya and Pedngun. After I went sushi-ing with Ingga and before we all went karaoke-ing at Inul Vista (my 1st time there!). What a fulfilling day. I mean, first, sushi. Second, a movie with Tobey Maguire, James Franco and Kirsten Dunst in it (I know, I'm such a star-crazed pre-teen). Third, karaoke-ing somewhere new. Inul's was niceee, it has a disco ball and a tambourine that lights up. Of course, being with the most best friends you can scrape together from your life, beat it all.

- Girl friends vs boyfriends. It'd make an interesting topic for the inside us column on my tabloid, wouldn't it? It just that, it seems to be the universal theme of the moment. What to do, what to do? And I can keep being the optimistic fool and thinking to myself, "it shouldn't be this hard with us, and whatever this is, it'll phase out". But the reality is, it is this hard with us now, and I haven't seen any way out.

-----

New York, New York
And I almost dance in the middle
Of shopping housewives and
Snobbish perfume-sales ladies
And I know it's raining outside
But still, I celebrate
For I will be seeing you
And you, and you
And you, and you
But still,

I wish I'd be seeing you too.

you don't have to worry, 'cause there ain't no need to hurry.

5-ish. Try driving across (well not exactly 'across') Jakarta, see people start their day as you end yours, while listening to the hypnotizing tunes. I did. I was on my way home, the moon was full and shining brightly and at the same time, I saw the sun rising.

Surreal.

Now the sun is up, and the strangeness I call my moment on the daybreak has gone.

Alright. Time to butcher the keyboard with my teens'-lingo-filled writings I call work.

i never really gave up on breaking out of this 2-star town

I'm still at my office. With nothing to do. Just waiting for one of the drivers in my office to take me home. Well, compared to last week, this is nothing. Then, I actually stayed at the office until 7 am the next day, and the internet connection was cut off in the wee hours--just when I wanted to rant in my blog.

And now, is one of those nights when I feel so hollow, and yet my head is heavy from I dontknowwhat. The idleness, perhaps. I could've been home by now. Wrong day to decide not to bring my own car.

Maybe I've been smiling too much these days and I'm tired. I want to stop acting all nicey-nicey. I want to pass people by and give them the cold shoulder. I want to shrug ignorantly when they ask stupid questions. Blaaaah. I need my used-to-be-frequent libur semester.

Yes. I know the word 'semester' is no longer in my vocabulary.

I wish I could channel this... what, angst? into writings, or something. But I can't even pretend to be creative right now. All out of cigarettes, and I only have my half-empty carton of teh botol to fiddle.

Like that girl Juliette Binoche played in Chocolat, I want to leave everything behind. And go somewhere else. Or like always, I just want to hide behind those--whom I consider the best people alive.

Is it time to run?

woke up and wished that i was dead

Bits and pieces of lately,

I've let go the possibility of a better job with better paycheck. Which left me with no more option to run to.

Lately, people told me their secrets. And I feel like my hair is getting bigger from keeping and digesting all of those.

Been missing geng, ngong, and suril like crazy. However, time isn't exactly on my side these days.

Those and little things, that somehow lead to...

Can't help feeling scared. For I don't know what. Maybe for entering the grown-up world. I don't think I've ever been this scared. I don't think I've ever wanted to cry this bad. Wait, yes, I have, but that's another story. But I don't think I've ever held my tears inside this long. I wish I could just hide behind my friends, and stay in the moment for a while or ever. Yes, I want to mematung, again. That, or run.

Mygod. I'm terrified.

je ne veux pas travailler

I'm in need of major mood lifter and some big-time ego booster.

Please gimme some. I'll pay you back someday, when I am rich and can afford to be reckless.

je veux seulement l'oublier, et puis je fume

I wonder, would people in my office know if I smoked weeds secretly?

Oh how I want to. Badly.

a million ancient bees began to sting our knees

Told you I'll be back.

When it rains, it really does pour huh? Aside from the flood issue lately, it's raining job offers for me. The IT thing, then I heard MRA has an opening for a copywriter position, HiScope called me back (yeah, like I would go back teaching toddlers), Ditie called me and said there's an opening in Maverick the comicbook publisher or something, and Tisam just called me to offer a job--something to do with event organizing.

Except for Tisam's offering, none of them is a sure thing. But it would be fun to try, right?

My lorrrd! Omaygad, idle fingers are typing prone but I have nothing to type! I'll be back to smoking one of these days.

Bleuwgh.

this is how it works, you're young until you're not

Just three hours ago I signed my working contract with Wanita Indonesia. Yes, the tabloid I mentioned in my last entry. My tummy's churned, I'm committed.

Just three days ago I was sitting in an IT company's meeting room--up there on the 7th floor, with a big window and tall buildings as its view. And I was thinking about giving up my idealistic dream of working in a media, learning my brain out about IT and eLearning and such, and becoming a power-suit-wearing corporate slave. IF, they want to hire me.

However, that's bye-bye now. At least for the next 6 months.

I really hope this will go well. The last 2 days has been a nervous-fest for me. I have to socialize, and so far so good in that department. I work with an all-boys team, that's a plus. But there's this girl who looks like she won't look at my direction and I'm afraid she hates me. And another girl who looked at me funny when I said I wanted to make a cup of coffee just minutes ago. What?

O my. I start thinking too much.

My boss isn't here yet and it's almost lunch time now and I don't have anything to do. Crap. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the lazy days, if only I had someone to talk to. AND if only those girls I mentioned above didn't keep passing me by on their way to the kitchen.

*major sigh*

Maybe I'll be back in an hour or so.

i hear in my mind all this music and it breaks my heart

Happy belated Valentine's Day!

By the way, I spent the 14th with my ex. Hahahah. He invited me to go play at his house. And yes, like Nilam said, how very anak SD of him, ngajaknya main. It wasn't bad though, we talked, he curhat-ed about people and I gossiped about people, and I got to draw creatures and he said he'd put it on his wall... It wasn't bad, but it was somewhat weird and I kept on feeling like bolting out of there ASAP and seeing my friends.

Which I did. See my friends, I mean. Geng Suril plus Tisam and Nand's boyf got together for a while at Kansas. Too bad Nandia didn't stay that long because, I'm not sure, either a plan with her mom or a Valentine's day plan with boyfriend. But that's ok, namanya juga lagi anget-angetnya, ya gak? Anyway, I, NilSindTis went karaoke-ing later on. I've always thought karaokeing is fun, but what's even more fun is dancing the songs away! Eheheh.

So, yesterday was OK and yet, tiring.

As for today, I had to wake up early because I had this writing test and an interview for one of the local tabloids. This certain tabloid isn't really my thing, but I really have to have a job (let's not ever go back to those last seven words again) and I have to start somewhere. I hope I did well on the test and I hope I've dazzled the interviewer with my charm. Ahahah.

On my way home, the cab driver kept on making conversation that sometimes felt like a debate session and asking me questions about education, journalism, job fields, economy, local policemen, and our country basically, that required me twisting my brain out so that I could give the whatsoundedlike-best answers. Weird. And tiring. It felt like I was being interviewed twice today.

As for the random stuff:

Back then when the movie Moonlight Mile was playing on theaters, there was this song that was played during its trailer, and I never knew what song it was. I had checked the movie soundtracks and listened to each song, but I couldn't find it. One day, it was played at the Starbucks and I even pushed myself to ask the mas-mas Starbucks what song that was. But of course the stupid mas-mas didn't know. Anyvaaaay. Now, years later, I found out what song that was. It was Elton John's Someone Saved Me Tonight. Now that I've heard the whole song, I don't even like it that much, I just like the ending (the part they played for the movie trailer). But mygod, it's so satisfying to finally find out something like this. Next task, that "superglue" song, Dro.

Random things #2. I had a... sort of came-too-late crush. Ahah. See, there's this guy I know from campus. Back in the college days, I had noticed him, but there was always someone I liked better. So he was kind of forgotten. But lately I've been reminded of him again because of small stuff. Few days ago, when I was drowned in the word heartbroken, I checked out his friendster profile and found this on one of his who-I-want-to-meet list--more or less:

kamu yang hatinya patah dan gak tau mau dilem pake apa

Haw. Don't I just want to raise my hand.

Anywho. I've graduated, so has he, and it's a bit too late to even like this guy. So there'll be nothing out of this. Barely a crush.

Okie. Runi, out.

can you hear me? are you listening? this is the sound of my heart breaking

Here are some random thoughts:

- It's February already. Time flies, eh? There goes the 1/12 of this year already.
- Therefore, I'm going to stop lazing around. Yes, that's right. Right after writing this.
- I'm in love with Al Pacino's mugshot.
- Current top 3 favorite ice cream: Sushi Tei's, Ben and Jerry's, and Cold Rocks'. Me really wanna right now.
- Sasquatch is a funny word. I like it.
- It's that time of the month. When I want to rant, or cry, or wallow in something. And just like other females of the species I blamed PMS for it; but PMS stands for Pre-Menstruation Syndrome which should've been over once the menstruation started. And it didn't.
- And at time like this, there's nothing I want more than to put the puzzle pieces together and I don't know, recollect my soul? But recollecting the puzzle pieces together is haaarrrd. And it's sad. It shouldn't be this hard. Not with us. But it is. Ugh.
- Speaking of sad, did you watch--I believe his name is--Sherman Poe on the American Idol audition? The old guy who sang You Belong To Me? Touching, touching, touching. Gimme my very own Sherman Poe!

Nyeh. Contrary to what I wrote in my curriculum vitae, I can't compose a distinctive piece of writing.

Toodles.

is it glue that you're offering
or maybe the beat of your drum
i'll take it, i'll take it all
save me from feeling numb

the world got smashed into pieces and put back together the wrong way

This day two years ago, I was missing my long hair like crazy. Now here I am, feeling almost the same like I was that day. I miss my long hair among other things. It's not as dreadful as it used to be, though. My hair now is okay.

Anyway. About the "other things", here goes,

I miss having more cousins/aunts in the house, I miss the canceled TV series Wonderfalls, I miss going swimming, I miss going to the beach, I miss my thinner figure (although I prefer my butt now. Haha), I miss wearing my now-broken-sunglasses, I miss Dermaga Foodcourt, I miss doing choreographed dances (yuh-huh, I was a cheerleader, sue me) and I miss getting paid for it, I miss hosting new year's eve's get-togethers (although I don't know how I could pull off the hosting-thing back then without being all high-strung like Ross did when he found out about Rachel and Joey), I miss PE class, I miss having to wake up unreasonably early in the morning to go to school/campus (nyeh, the last two fall under BENCI TAPI RINDU category), I miss when days like these were called "libur", I miss seeing people whom I used to see often, and I very much miss one of them, one third of the best of all.

Something can be fixed by washing your hair every single day, and another is just plainly heartbreaking.

for the love you bring won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing

Answer the questions using lines from songs you know. the song themes and the questions don't have to match, what's important are the words in the lines you write. don't forget to mention the song and the singer in your answers.

1. How's your take on life?
"The more we move ahead, the more we're stuck in rewind. Well, I don't mind, I don't mind. How the hell could I mind"
[Ocean Breathes Salty - Modest Mouse]

2. Tell us your first love.
"To me, you're strange and you're beautiful"
[Strange And Beautiful - Aqualung]
*By 'strange' here I mean foreign, berhubung kepincut sama bule xD

3. What were you like when you were in elementary school?
"Thought there was love in everything and everyone, oh you're so naive"
[Get Me Away I'm Dying - Belle & Sebastian]

4. in junior high?
"We were all in love and we all got hurt"
[White Houses - Vanessa Carlton]

5. in highschool?
"I'm so happy I could scream. And there's nowhere else in the world i'd rather be"
[Mint Car - The Cure]

6. in college/university/whatever?
"I feel so stupid, happy, and numb"
[Local God - Everclear]

7. what do you think about love?
"Oh such grace, oh such beauty, so precious, suspicious, and charming and vicious"
[A Million Ways - OK Go]

8. anything you wanna say to a particular crush?
Don't think there's any particular crush at the moment. But well, here's for whichever,
"Please be my next morning flower, but don't be there all the time. Leave me a couple of hours, then bring me food and wine."
[The Cynic - Kashmir/Bowie]

9. anything you wanna say to a particular past-crush?
"I'm far too shy to speak to you at school. You leave me numb and I'm not sure why"
[Spitting Games - Snow Patrol]

10. how about to an ex?
"Circles and triangles, and now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend"
[Cool - Gwen Stefani]
*Tapi ini lebih pas dinyanyiin pas jamannya masih ada NugeNisa. Hahah xD

11. how about your family?
"We've come too far to turn back, we're just too close to quit. We're learning the hard way"
[Learning The Hard Way - Gin Blossoms]

12. what are you feeling right now?
"Open the window, let some air in. I feel so old"
[Left Behind - Aqualung]

13. what kind of night/day is it?
"The sun was high, up above"
[Walking Barefoot - Ash]

14. what's your new year resolution?
I didn't make any. But if I had, it would've gone something like,
"I would stop drinking, stop feeling breakdown, and start believing you might change your mind. Well I don't know"
[Tell Me What To Say - Black Lab]

15. what about your bestfriend(s).
"Look at us we're beautiful, all the people push and pull but they'll never get inside, we got too much to hide"
[Beautiful - Moby]

16. describe your partner(s) in crime.
"We do what we want, we do what we want"
[Local God - Everclear]

17. anything you wanna say to Bush?
"I used to be sad, now I'm just bored with you"
[Burning Photograph - Ryan Adams]

18. your childhood. tell us about it.
Because I think I was even more delusional back then,
"If the land of make believe is inside your heart, it will never leave. There's a golden gate where the fairies all wait and dancing moons"
[Dear Jessie - Madonna]

19. how did the last book that you read go?
"I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend"
[Jumper - Third Eye Blind]

20. an easy one: the lyrics to the last song you sang for someone. who?
"Suka-sukaa, mandi di pinggir kali"
[My own version of Yang Penting Hepi - Jamal Mirdad. To Bune yesterday]

21. current obsession?
"And now I wish I was in love"
[I Wish I Was In Love - Lightning Seeds]

22. what was today like?
"Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on"
[World Spins Madly On - The Weepies]

23. how about yesterday?
"Another day, just believe. Another day, just breathe"
[Breathe - Telepopmusik]

24. your P.o.V on kids?
"I don't trust myself for loving you"
[John Mayer]

25. any question you felt have never been answered?
"Why aren't you here with me tonight?"
[Someday We'll Know - New Radicals]

26. the most romantic place you've heard of so far?
"If you come back, I'll take you to the garden, we'll dance to the orchestra on the lawn and we'll roll in the foggy dew and dance with the ghosts upon the dawn"
[To You I Bestow - Mundy]

27. Any instrumental songs you need to enlist here? describe why.
Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness [Smashing Pumpkins]
Because it's touching and just because.

before you go, can you read my mind?

Highs, lows, and inbetweens of 2006

1. Kings of Convenience's showcase in Bandung.
2. Meeting Erland Oye in some random warung that same night.
3. Bandung tektok trip with geng and ngong to see Ingga. Jackpot, huh?
4. A childhood sweetheart came and went. Twice.
5. Had a bried but dreadful dilemma about graduating.
6. Rozelle went official with Yudo. This girl really lives in a fast lane soap opera, I tell you.
7. Batu Karas trip with Ped, Ngun, Ngga.
8. Long awaited Pesta Liburan with my cousins.
9. Midyear holiday, when I got to see Ocha and Yoyok and people.
10. Submitted an application to be one of the 5 Takes' five TJs, and ended up feeling too lazy to submit the second video application.
11. Got Shan Michael Evans to make an illustration for my writing.
12. Getting better in turning lights off, therefore the case of missing zsazsazsu often occured.
13. Enrolled in some driving school.
14. Driver's lisence.
15. Missed Coldplay's gig in Singapore.
16. Went to Bandung alone for the first time.
17. Went to Seaworld after years and years. Then watched INXS at the Soundrenaline.
18. Graduating from English Lit. UI.
19. Graduation party at my house.
20. Tagged along the Dutch kids to their 2006 initiation.
21. Went to Disney's Lantern Fantasy with Chici.
22. Resigned from my job at Chrysolit.
23. Formed a geng jualan with Bun, Ped, Ngun. Plus jualan 2 hari di bazar Warung Baba.
24. Reunion with kids from 2A.
25. Had my long hair cut into a short bob.
26. Birthday season with the 11th of November as the cherry on top.
27. Singapore-Malaysia trip with Ped and her family. The beginning of my bankruptcy.
28. Petang Kreatif 2006. Maybe my last planned-visit to campus.
29. Had a brief reunion with Ardini, a friend from junior high.
30. Got interviewed for a reporter job in Media Indonesia. Still crossing fingers and toes.
31. One temukangen, one Nandia's farewell dinner, and one pre-Christmas dinner with people from English dept 2002.
32. Drove alone to Citos for the first time.
33. Applied to Music City FM as the on-air staff only to be called back to try out for the announcer job. Lost cause from the beginning.

...I can't think of anything else. Nyeh, quiet and numbing year.

As for closure, I had a quiet but nice NY's eve at Ped's with Bun and Sya. Watching Star Wars episode III, eating like there's no tomorrow, playing with the sparklers and fireworks... Rozelle stopped by for a few blinks of an eye. So, tears from the NYE before didn't come back. But something has been nagging me since though. Let's just say, I'm pulling a Joey to someone's Ross and Emily.

The great thing this time is, I had a second new year's celebration. Ped, Bun, Sya and I went to Bandung on the 2nd, stayed at this nice hotel called Puri Larasati for two nights, and spent some QT with Ingga and Ebonk. Aside from my feeling like death was the next thing for me, it was fun. I didn't want to go home.

However, I'm home now. And I just want to say, I love my friends (they're the only ones that keep my inside reeling besides shopping these days). And I hope they'll always be around for the next new year and new years to come. As for the rest of the world,

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007!!!

i watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

Two days ago was this year's Petang Kreatif. I came and watched (not all, but enough). It was nice, English 2006 had something to be proud of (they're the runner-up), nice performances from some departments... But one of the them was so dull, it wasn't even funny and I pity them, I realy do (A***o guys, can't you do anything right?).

Aside from the PK, I got to see some people I know. Friends, love/lust interests, annoying people and all. Nice. And I think that was my last planned-visit to campus. I may come back sometime (still waiting for the nyanset date, suril), but still can't help thinking that was the last one, the closure (ooh, there goes the word again). And god, there really is no good time for anyone to leave, is there? Hard to explain but *sigh*.

-----

On a very different note, they already put the giant christmas tree in the middle of Citos!!! Love it! Stare deep into it, pretend the raindrops outside are actually snowflakes, listen to the choir singing christmas songs (if they're not there yet, listen to the ones inside your head), then you'll get my version of Christmas at the Rockefeller Center.

However. I know it's early, but happy holiday people, hope you'll have a great christmas shopping or time with your loved ones! Cheers.

all that we needed tonight are people who love us and life

Blah. I'm bored. But I'm too broke to go out. And I'll pretend not to hear anyone who screams "get a job", not because I won't but I just can't be rushed.

BLAAAAHH. I can't even write anything. Personal rants, fiction, poem, writing sample for my future... I feel so uninspired.

I want to go out, and waste my non-existent money, and party, and have fun, and feel good, and be mesmerized by bands playing beautiful songs, and be surrounded by my loved ones so that I could hide behind them when the big bad world is closing in, and sing my lungs out, and dance the night away, and go nuts, and see people, and ignore people, and have my inside beat so fast for something trivial and not be able to sit still because of it or maybe just because of the expensive coffee they sell on Starbucks, and see and/or feel fireworks, and feel alive, and be inspired.

Help?

Anyway. I feel so *blah* I read my old journals from 7-9 years ago although usually reading my junior-high-self made me cringe. I still cringed this time. Conclusions made from reading it: I was so naive back then but I've been building my personal electric fence since then and big massive thank god, as I've grown older, I've gained more guts, confidence, self-respect and such. Thank god for self-evolution. Oyeah, and I was so in love with the guy whom I made run recently (or was that vice versa?). I've also loved drama since back then: making a used-to-be-best-friend's life a hell, playing 'pingpong' with a best friend/love interest/admirer/enemy xD, basking in a spider web of enmity and then taking sides...

Not so naive after all, huh? But compared to now, I was stupidly green. Again, thank god I trust myself now.

Enough with my self-introspect moment. People, let's have a christmas party! I'm not supposed to celebrate it, but it's december already and with all the christmas trees and lights at the malls and such and the cold air and the butterflies inside... I can hear Chris Martin's voice inside singing, "it felt like christmas time".

So, anyone?

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away
[moby]

the growing pains dissolve in lemonade

I turned 22 last saturday. I had a joint party along with Ped's and Bangun's birthdays celebration at this seafood restaurant in Ancol, Bandar Djakarta. Aside from the house band singing "happy birthday" and the kelapa ulangtaun with sparklers on it, it was more like an intimate dinner rather than a "party". But my loved ones were all there. I didn't have to choose, I could have my cake and eat it too. The girls were there, and the guys were also there. Ingga and Ebonk even drove all the way from Bandung to Jakarta and back to Bandung afterwards for this. Touching.

And what's a night out with a bunch of best friends without hitting the karaoke lounge? Yesss, we sang our lungs out @ Nav as always. Too bad we forgot to sing 22nd birthday theme song, "Ratu Oke".

All in all, despite some unspoken tension in the air, it was comfortable. Aw, big giant pile of fluffy pillows! And I notice, when I'm happy, I'm lacking the ability to compile words and make some decent entry about it. So maybe pictures will describe it better.

this year's birthday sparks

ladies and gentlemen, your hosts for tonight

my most prized treasure

the girls and some Modjo Jojo-like apparition of Ancol

There it goes, the end of birthday season for 2006. I hope the festivity will last the whole year round.

wait, don't go so fast. i'm missing the moments as they passed

Graduation.

The highlight of me lately.

It was on Saturday the 2nd at Balairung UI. Slightly touching but that was it. I didn't cry for the obvious reason. I did cry, however, after I refused to be stuck in a stupid traffic jam inside my campus area, ditched my parents in the car, took a long walk to FIB through the forest, under the blazing sun, in high-heels. Aside from that, it was okay. Both mom and dad came, my kebaya and hairdo came out how I wanted them to be, I got to see my friends and take pictures and all.

Nice.

Cherry on top, in the evening I invited few close friends to my house to have dinner and... just hang. I was so nervous-slash-anxious at first... You know, the pressure of entertaining =p However, it was great. My "orang-orang terkasihi" were all there. The girls, Ngong, Ingga, Ocha... Even Oho turned up after he said he couldn't. There was even this guy whom I've adored from time to time. Tee-hee. The get-together was super-super nice, it kept my inside beating.

Another highlight, teeny weeny one: I have a driver lisence now. And yesterday, I drove myself to work! With my driver right next to me of course. But still.

Speaking of work, I'm resigning. By the end of this month, to be exact. What's next for me, I often ask myself, I don't know. I'll figure it out. Soon, I hope. But right now I really want to travel, be with my friends, be in love, do stupid things mindlessly, feel like my inside is squeezed because it beats so fast, soak in the word "holiday" so much I'd tan myself... I don't know. It's one of those "ingin mematung" moments.

Haw. It's always harder to explain my nocturne thoughts.

Wish we'll stay like this
And we will reminisce
Our vanished nights
Our mockery fights

Because soon is the dawn
And promises will be gone
Before we all say goodbye
Here's iloveyou to get by

instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that life goes fast...

I thought I couldn't run from my days in college any more faster. Godknows (and maybe so does everyone else) I kept a safe distance from people in my campus. By not getting too attached, I've saved myself from missing anyone when we graduate. I've missed high school longer than high school itself, I don't want any similar case to occur again. And I did a good job, I'm sure.

When Nissa had her "oo, jadi kita temenan cuma 4 taun nih, cuma sampe lulus" issue, I was thinking, hello, with all the drama, thank god kita cuma temenan 4 taun. And just about two weeks ago, when Bune said that she just got hit by a realization that she'd miss the campus and everything, I didn't empathize. I said that I didn't think I'd miss it that much, I said that it wouldn't be long before it's over and I couldn't wait until we all get out of here.

Then tonight, out of boredom and solitariness, I read Sindro's old blog entries from about a year ago. I can still say I want to get over this ASAP, but maybe there are few things I'll miss. Here goes.

1. My friends. Yes, I don't loathe you that much, only on hot days =p You know who you are, suril, gerwani, lunchies plusplus, and some others.

2. Kansas. The most tolerable icky place that I've ever known. I'll miss all those times I stayed way until magrib there, just because I didn't have anywhere better to go. I'll miss the way I took the long way to buy drinks just to check someone out on the other side of the caf. I'll miss that time when Nand suddenly whispered to me as we were walking by meja ijo area, "Run, all eyes on you" (okay, I think the last one is ego-talking =p).

3. Of course surreal times with the easygoing geng suril (aka gampangan, ke sini hayok, ke sana hayok). Waiting for magrib to come with you three, smoking our allowance out, asking what the real quintessence of smoking is, and just hanging out when everyone else was nowhere to be found are the best.

4. Weird and quirky qualities in anak-anak sastra that made me feel comfortable in asking stupid and weird questions. Out of the Qs, interesting convos often followed. Questions about deepest fears or about things in general. I'm surely going to miss that. The best companions for the questions are of course Sind, Nil, Nand, but the others are always a nice addition.

5. Being this (sok) idealist college student, dreaming about publishing a book filled with absurd short stories and poems, while trying to finish Penpop assignment on time. Soon, I'll have no time for being that anymore. I actually have to make it happen. I can't suck anymore. I have to get the equivalent of Mr.Ismail's three dots in the real life! Oh my.

6. Going to campus wearing ripped jeans, the laid back classes, the laid back system, the music events, the plays, the bazaar, the used-book bazaar, and things like those. Maybe some of us look like the crazy/hippie/poet type for people out there, but I don't care. I had never been in a such... creative environment before FIB UI.

7. Having crushes on mediocre (and sometimes below) guys just because they were the best ones around. Seriously, sastra guys establish the saying 'love is blind'. Haha. No offense. That, and regretting it sometime later.

8. Seeing Bune 5 days a week more or less. And dragging her away from her friends everytime I needed her.

I guess I'll miss more than what I planned to miss. And maybe there are more, but those are the only ones that come across my mind right now.

Well.
"...it's hard to make the good things last."

let's waste time. chasing cars around our heads.

Random things:

Besides cancer, war and racism, there are few things I'd really like to make disappear. Lessee.

When I'm shopping @ Citos' wednesday Bazaar:
1. Annoying little kids running around.
2. Fat ladies who won't budge even after I practically scream "permisi" on their ears.
3. Ibu-ibu sok muda yang memonopoli space di depan rak baju karena mereka takut keabisan barang-barang yang bagus. Hello, don't they believe in "aging gracefully"? Um, I believe the older section is somewhere around here, right inside my ass!

When I'm learning to drive (and hopefully, when I'm driving, period):
1. Jaywalkers who take such a sweet time crossing the road. On my driving lesson today, I was seriously thinking of running over one of those. How cruel am I?
2. Motorcycles.
3.Angkot and Metro Mini. Enough said.

----------

Currently in love with Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol. Listen to "Chasing Cars", it's heart-wrenching. And at the same time, in lust with him everytime I listen to the band's version of Beyonce's "Crazy in Love". Hahaha. A weird turn-on.

----------

Only two weeks (and a few days) left to graduation. Sigh.

----------

I need a new pair of shoes. Or more. There are days when I need at least one of my besties, there are days when I need to cry without any reason, there are days when I need to "diam dan mematung". Well. These are the days when I have a massive urge to buy shoes.

and I can tell you my love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone

Be still.
For one flutter,
I'd expect and hope.
My suicide rope.

Ssh, be still.
For just one flap,
It'd all fall apart.
My heart.

----------
Recaps on lately:

[Jul 27th]
Thursday. I had an unpredictable, almost 2-month-long awaited rapatgeng. At first PedNgun asked me to go to Gaikindo Motor Show or some sort with them. Being easy as always, I agreed. I asked Bune to come although I knew it'd be the last thing on her things-I'm-interested-in list. She had this stupid reason of "males keramas", but I made her wash her hair and come anyway. Long story made short, we were too late for Gaikindo and we managed to drag Rozelle out of her castle, and voila, we were off to Cafe Shisha or whatever it's called. Later on, Oho joined us. So there it was, rapatgeng plus two.

Maybe you just can't plan this thing anymore, you just have to wait and stumble upon it. The element of surprise intensifies the fun anyway, so that's okie *senyum simpul*. Besides, Oho came and brought stories and gossips that weren't that big of a deal except for the way he delivered them. Incomprehensibly not in order and his usage of words like "ngesek" or "ojosan". Hilarious. That and his stories after watching Coldplay in Singapore. Ugh, sour subject. Moving on.

----------

[Jul 28th]
Friday, went night-karaokeing with Pedhe, Bangun, Ocha and Oho. We got in at about 11.15 pm and it was 45 minutes to Oho's turning 22. In a way, it was a karaoke birthday party for Oho. At midnight he sang "Ratu Oke", please note the first two lines: "namaku si Ratu Oke, umurku dua-dua". Then we all sang "Happy Birthday" to him. Singing the conventional Happy Birtday song in a karaoke lounge, how extravagant were we? It was always fun karaokeing with Oho because it always involved dancing, and well, actually standing up. And with him, you can't just belt out the tunes, you have to sing the songs with emotions, body language and all as if deep in your soul you really meant it. Teehee. Exhaustingly fun, despite Ocha's choice of an old Ebiet G. Ade's song.

----------

[Jul 29th]
Saturday night, strolled around Makro. How old-housewives could I get? Anyway, PedNgun convinced me to go there, buy lounging chairs and create some kind of patio on the garden next to my room. So I bought four of these chairs, grabbed unused cracked coffee table in my gazebo, voila, my very own secret garden. Ocha came by later on bringing cheap wine. A little patio-launching party.

----------

[Jul 30th]
Sunday. Oho invited me and else to a birthday brunch @ Dixie Rasuna. Of course, remembering he invited "anak-anak Batalyon", brunch was at 4 pm. There were only about 15-16 people of us, but it was nice. Foods and drinks and laughter kept rolling in for about five hours.

Kesan dan pesan? Chances are, I fall, fell, whatever, for someone so boring I don't think he ordered any food at his friend's birthday party--which was practically an all-you-can-eat one--and I think he only ordered ice lemon tea when the rest of us were ordering drinks with exotic names and funny colors. Tsk, tsk, I had my butterflies set on someone whom reality shows' judges might call "too safe".

----------

[Jul 31st]
Monday. Missed a deadline, and altogether missed a chance to be the next 5 Takes TJ (hosting job for this Discovery Travel and Living channel's show). I know life's too short to miss an opportunity like that, but life's also too short for any regret. Besides, it was too hazy to think about deadlines.

----------

[Aug 2nd]
Wednesday, had a little taste of the vain-but-oh-so-fabulous world of fashion. Bune and I got a one-time job as ushers for Biyan's fashion show. Fancy, huh? It was practically a MAGABU kind of job. Decent amount of money for telling famous people where to sit and watching my first fashion show. Mahvelous, dahling, mahvelous.

Newest ambition: to be one of those VVIPs whose names are written on the front row seats.

----------

[Aug 4th]
Friday, as in yesterday. Went to Bandung with this Jakarta-Bandung shuttle called XTRANS. Alone. Wee-hee. I got giddily proud of being able to go to Bandung alone for the first time. Geng ngong picked me up when I got there, and then we went shopping at Gedebage. Also my first time. I had my doubts at first since Ped's first review about the place wasn't too convincing (if not, at all), and whose review is better to believe than your own mirror image, right? Well, turned out, I was still a pro-shopper, judging from all the dresses that I bought. That, or I was so gelap mata, judging from the oversized man's sweater that I bought.

Anyway. It was fun. Meeting my almost-forgotten friend (guess who), and shopping. Despite I did it in a crowded and humid "PASAR", shopping was still therapeutic. Quoting from I-can't-remember-who,

"whoever says money can't buy happiness simply doesn't know where to shop."

----------

So. Holiday butterflies paid off. Not quite with what (/who?) I had in mind, but who can complain, right?

Pictures may come later.

"A little voice Inside my head said,
'Don't look back. You can never look back.'
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but--"
[Don Henley/The Ataris]

it gets the better of me sometimes when you and i collide

Let's take a little walk back to the 90's music scene and raise your voice if you know this one.

SWAY
(Bic Runga)

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I'm practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infintely true

Say you'll stay,
Don't come and go, like you do
Sway my way,
Yeah I need to know all about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

It's all because of you
It's all because of you

----------

I feel like posting that song here, since I've heard it twice within the last 24 hours.

Updates about lately may come sometime later.

I hear the melodious beat somewhere
that I secretly hope you could hear,
and while you're standing there--oblivious,
I have butterflies coming out of my bellybutton one by one.

it's time i got back to the good life

I've always said that my prized possessions are my best friends and money. Now I have one more: my health. No one could ever know how much I'm grateful for it. Seriously.

What brought this on?

Thirty hours of high fever, plus another thirty-nine hours of...ahem, bowel problems, and the total of more or less three days being a tired, sluggish, helpless gag-prone. Oyeah, don't forget BORED from all the laying down and not being able to go out. I lost sleeps because I kept waking up from the illness; that led to me begging Andrei to get me some Prozac. I lost my appetite and at the same time I knew I had to eat in order to take medicine and get well. Yet, everytime I ate something, my tummy churned and seriously, the food wouldn't stay in that long. I knew I should've seen a doctor but for all I know that'd be a fate worse than death for me. I felt like dying ='(

Anyway. I've been feeling well for nine hours and it's a MAJOR progress. I finished my meal at dinner time, and the food stays in. I don't mind eating some more. So I really do hope it'll last *crossing fingers and hope to God*

How did I get better? I don't know, maybe God showed some mercy for me. That, or one of these things I did when getting better: listening to songs from Weezer's old albums in a row (this might be it), reading old journals (or this? hmm), or aksi ngambek sama Bune (no this can't be it).

Well, now I have my health *crossing fingers again and hope to God*, my holiday-mood is back! I really have to see more people. That's what holiday is all about, right? Ocha, check. Yoyok, check. Anybody else who's been hiding under a rock, come out, come out. We'll play.

By the by, boo hoo, Mr.Bora's leaving for somewhere in Europe tomorrow.

something ignites in my vein and i pray it never fades

Just a few days ago I was sulking for idontknowwhat, and then I went re-reading some old testimonials in order to feel better and companioned, only to question, where are these people now in the end.

Then, TADA! The afternoon after, Ocha called me and asked the "geng begundal" to get together with him. He's interning in some law firm in town. I easily agreed like usual, so did Ped, but Roz and Bune had their reasons as always. However, Ocha managed to talk Rozelle into it, so she was in.

Seeing Ocha was nice. I almost forgot how nice it was to spend a QT with him; it was comforting. I felt like we were all his little sisters (ahem, no pun intended) with him asking about our lives, giving advices and all. Hahah. Of course the low point of the night was his disappointed expression after seeing me smoking.

All in all, it was great catching up with him. Then, the next morning, I mean afternoon, I learned that Yoyok's here! Well, in Bandung actually. But still. And he's supposed to go back to Jakarta today...

Ahh! People seem to pop out of the thin air. It's like an answer to my question when I re-read the testimonials a few nights ago. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get to see more of them. Anyone. Again, even Bune would be nice.

Holiday butterflies are up.

it's the curse of being a girl, tonight you can hardly make a change

Taken from Ayu's

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Ask Rian, my classmate back in high school senior year. Actually it's gone now, but it's the only scar for which I could keep blaming Rian for about 3 years.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Pinkman, letters of the alphabet, what-supposed-to-be cannabis leaves that looks like Adidas old school logo, Purple Doraemon with green face reminding me to eat, a turtle, a guy with freakish crapping dog or some sort, a sabda from a cat head known as the Ratu Kucing... Painted by of me, my cousins, and my best friends.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Nokia 6600. All chipped off but I love it anyway.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
Wrist-slitting tunes? More painful the better. But besides that, I have a lot of guilty pleasures lurking behind my interest.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
11 pm. And the cool thing is, I was also born on the eleventh of November.

6.WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To have about Rp.25.000.000,- grow on one of the trees in my front yard. So I can pay Bune to ditch her work, buy three round tickets to Singapore, buy four Coldplay tickets, meet Roz in Singapore, splurge a bit at the Singapore Great Sale, and have the long-awaited liburanbersamageng while watching Chris Martin and his bandmates belting out their magic.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Being a teenager. Please keep in mind that although I feel young, there is no "teen" in twentyone. And maybe soon, I'll miss having the word "student" on my Friendster's profile's occupation section.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
What can bring happiness. My best friends. And money.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Food. Coffee. My room after my friends came and smoked in there. My perfumes.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Yes, sometimes.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Rarely.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Secret Fantasy by Anna Sui and Stella (Mc.Cartney).

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Yang biasa aja. Tousled is nice when it's not purposely so.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
Tiffany's? Just like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Cheese, assorted meats and sausages, and mushrooms. But cheese and mushroom would do.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I can't eat anything right now, I feel bloated. But otherwise, I'll have sushi or kambing guling.

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
I can't remember.

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
Yes.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?
I can't quite remember. Either an over-sized tee or a teddy bear.

WAIT HANG ON A MINUTE WHAT HAPPENED TO 22-27?
How should I know. And seriously, I demand my 6 missing questions!

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
That would be stupid. But that's the whole point of falling in love, innit? Anyway, I'd like to say I wouldn't, but with me, stupidity happens all the time.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I don't know. You tell me.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
99.

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
On who? For guys I prefer brunette.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
My mom's.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Little things thought at night time.

33. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF [your country]?
Yeah, once. When I crap money, I'd definitely do it more and take my friends along with me.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
I let small things get through me.

37. FIRST JOB?
A part-time teacher. Wait, come to think of it, the first time I earned money was when I was wearing a short purple-red skirt and waving my pom-poms. Yeah, I was a cheerleader.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Hahah. Sure. One of the best things of being young and stupid.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
Watching Rockstar Supernova.

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A bit of lipo and breast implant. Hello, the new ANTM. Hahahah.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
To practice answering questions for my magazine-interview-filled future. That, and I don't have anything to do.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Being me. How cocky is that?

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Buy a whole lot of them before they become illegal and keep a lifetime supply in a secret bunker.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A kiss from Guy Berryman.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
One or two. Three at the most.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My cousin.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
No. I wish on everything.

48. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE FINGER?
Index finger. Not really, I don't know. I mean, on what base do you tell which your fave finger is?

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Really cry? A few weeks ago, when I decided--for a brief moment in time--not to graduate this year.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sometimes.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Every meat.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Procastinating.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
All-4-One from back when I was still in 6th grade.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Definitely.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Call someone. Or cry. But the best way is shopping.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
For this time being, I'm practically homeless, second-home-wise.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Um, the usual. Lego, Barbie, Play Doh...

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
A lot. And really, I don't mean anything bad by it.

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Define mosh pit. If it involves people violently banging their heads, crashing to one another, then no.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
I don't know. I'll know it when I find it.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Runi, Mony, Rong, Rone.

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Ben and Jerry's half-baked brownies and chocolate chip cookie dough.

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
Rainbow.

73. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
What's a wisdom teeth?

74. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Some people I haven't seen in a while. Even Bune.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Everyone who? But yeah, that'd be nice.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Silences. I'm using mom's speaker-less PC.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Trattoria's Creme Brulee.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Pedhe.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Could be anything.

80. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Jakarta.

81. SCARIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
I don't know.

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Cold ones.

83. FAVORITE JOKE?
I don't know. Sometimes jokes are seriously like disposable panties. Once you wear them, you should never see (or hear) them again.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Mall-hopping.

85. HAIR COLOR?
Black.

86. EYE COLOR?
Somewhere between black or really, really dark brown.

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
Only when I stay in. And only at nights.

88. SIBLINGS?
An older sister and a younger step sister.

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
November for the obvious reason.

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Yes.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Rockstar Supernova.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
My birthday.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Maybe. Not as much shy as tengsin though.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer. No winter around here.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Both?

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE-NIGHT STANDS
Ask again later.

97. WHO DO YOU SECRETLY LOVE?
Secretly? If I wrote it here, it wouldn't be a secret, huh?

98. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU MACKED IT WITH IN THE PAST YEAR?
What's "macked it with"?

99. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Ped's Gossip Girl by Cecily von Ziegesar.

100. WHERE DO YOU WORK?
Serpong, this place called Chrysolit.

the highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die

I had my first period about 9 years ago, and still, the sight of blood dripping out of me always sends me to a certain nauseating dizziness and a near-passing-out experience. Not to mention since I got out of high school and stopped exercising weekly, I constantly have this gut-wrenching pain in my tummy everytime I have my so-called "little friend". URGH. Why do we females have to put up with this thing?

And I'd really like to destroy the belief that females have bad tantrums when they have their period. I managed to do that earlier today. Went to campus, got my Multiculturalism final paper (marked A-), saw my friends again, saw Mr.Bora the Sexplorer (haha, pardon the icky nick name), went to PIM a while... Everything was a-OK.

Then there was that phonecall I made to Ebonk. UGH. Long story made short: he won't come to Batu Karas. After his mockery prediction of me not going, which was so irritating, turns out he's the one who doesn't go. I was so afraid something might come up that could make me not go and make me become the butt of Ebonk's joke. I was really dreading about that. Now that I know for sure I'll go, now that I'm getting all psyched up about the trip, now that Rozelle and Ingga agree to come, he can't go! I'm not even sure I'm making a point here. But this really upsets me. Not to mention how he used "kapan gue mau lulus kalo gak SP?" reason. Wasn't he the one who made me rethink about graduating so soon so hard I almost lost my head? I know I'm definitely not making a point here, but, it's just that, I loathe how the things he said always got the best of me. Ugh.

Owell. He's still my best friend, and I can't blame him anyway.

ARGH! Darnitt!!

This must be the blood-dripping bitch talking.



*Taking a deep breath* You know what, never mind. My mood has just been lifted up again thanks to a newly-received testimonial from the mentioned Mr.Bora. Heheh. Ms.Goodmood is baaack.

fast as you can, baby, run! free yourself of me of me fast as you can

Pieces of lately:

About a week ago a blast from the past suddenly burst out of thin air and was being a "pain in the arse" (as I quoted him calling me). It was kinda funny, actually, how stupid he was. And maybe he didn't mean anything serious by all the SMS he sent me last week, but I just had to drive him away. I admit that. It's not like when I gave lollypop to my senior and unintentionally had him kicked out from the no-food-no-drink room. No, this time I deliberately made him run. I had an outburst. A drama queen's sulking to be exact, just because he said those "nasty words" (as I quoted from me). So he said he wouldn't bother me again. Teehee.

I hope this quirk of making-people-run-before-I-do-it-myself won't be a continuing bad habit for me.

On a far-better note: Roja went official with some guy. I don't know the guy yet, so personal review may come later on. Woo-hoo for that, but boo-hoo for my plan of rematchmaking her with another best friend. But still, happy for her.

About what I've been doing lately:
First, trying to compose application letter, just in case everything goes well. Amen. Second, been writing a story for a while until I met an absolut writer's block. Haven't wrote again since. Third, submitting as many answers (to why I'm Coldplay's biggest fan and how their music changed my life) as I can, just in case Lady Fortune loves me. Double amen. And lastly, for the last two days, I've been hooked on Text Twist--this geeky game for geeks like moi. Usually I gave up easily, and only managed to get 100000-ish score at the most. But right now, I have reached 772400 and still going, hopefully *geek mode: ON*

I should really get a job or something.

Long holiday is right in front of me and...woo-hoo!!! Aside from my dreadful waiting for GPA transcript, I'm finally able to kick back and relax. Who knows, maybe there won't be any long holiday again for me this time around next year... Maybe. Plans so far: Batu Karas with geng ngong and hopefully Rozelle *crossing fingers* next week and Bali I-don't-know-when with English dept 2002. I hope everything will be a big wee-hoo before I don't know what. Seriously.

"Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was"
[Fiona Apple]

we'll go, we'll go just where we want to. we won't let the others bleed us dry

I had my last exam for this semester yesterday, so now I can breathe and stop thinking for a while. In a few months I could be facing a new world of the so-called real life in front of me, or I could be vomiting from hearing and typing the words feminism, identity, multiculturalism, or naturalism all over again. Both are disturbing, but I'll still have to choose. I've thought and gone cuckoo about it, and I've decided that I won't think anymore of it for at least a week or two. I'm putting my mind in a hiatus.

Anyway. The best way to celebrate the unshackling of my brain? By going on a road trip with both my gengs. Yes, I went to Bandung yesterday with the genggong and the geng-ngong. See, Ingga invited me to come to this jazz event that he masterminded. I thought, why not. I asked the most aksi girls in the gang (ahem, B and R). Surprise, surprise, they actually agreed. Bune even sort of rescheduled her get-together with her friends. That's rare.

So, off we went in Bangun's Kijang. Me, Bune, Pedhe, Rozelle, Bangun, and Ebonk. When was the last time of that, I can't even remember. The trip was fun! I mean, with anybody else, it would be a literally pain-in-the-ass two hours ride. But I was with them and the stupid stuff (people-shuffling in the car in the middle of Bangun's speeding on the highway, formed a girlband and had an interview...), so it was all woo-hoo.

Let's say I won big on a jackpot machine for being with BunPedRozBangBonk at the same time, I won a bigger jackpot by seeing Ingga. A rendevouz with the long-missed Kacank and Ari didn't hurt either. Seriously, it was worth the jazz music my ears failed to comprehend. By the by, seeing one of my friends reuniting with her ex last night was aww-inducing. I couldn't help thinking that they belong together (I know, such a hallmark thing to say) nor could I help giving the evil eye to anyone who stood in the way. Heheh. Anywho, what's a night out without a karaoke session, right? So we visited Nav Plaza Dago or something and sang our asses off. Too bad Ingga, our #1 Batak artist, couldn't come.

Finally, at 3 am in the night... morning... wee hours... whatever, we all went home. Safe and sound. And very tired. I didn't want the night to end, it was like a gigantic fluffy pillow. Comfortable. But well, yeah, it did.

Well, that's about it for my feel-good report, until next time.

blah.

I feel like pulling a Chandler Bing right now.

Could this last week of college be any longer?

There. Now if I could only go mati suri until next week...

train this chaos turn it into light, i've gotta see you one last night

Been 24-25 days since the last post and nothing has changed that much. However, between then and now there have been Brontok virus attack, my all-cleaned-from-Brontok PC, a brief dilemma about graduating this year, mournful visit to Rosel's, 3 novels with Estha, Dean Moriarty and Mr.Darcy in them, me almost going cuckoo juggling them, a presentation on Shakespeare's As You Like It, a big pile of Penpop assignment thanks to my procastinating habit, a dream about being back to where I can never go back to, a dream about Chris Martin, daydreams, balloons blown and popped, new words from Text Twist, infatuation with Snow Patrol's frontman (still nothing compared to Mr.Berryman), a brief crush on some younger guys (Bune's and Baralig's juniors with the same initial), gossips, lack of sleeps, dark halos under my eyes, mood swings, business meetings with Gerwani @Kansas mostly, Campina's banana split from my campus' koperasi pegawai, 5000perak bag and some old dresses from Passer Baroe this afternoon, sweet and sour crabs from Balikpapan, a full moon, and another tons of nothings.

Those are pretty much my pieces of puzzle. Put them together and all you'll see is a chaotic void. Thank god tomorrow I'll arrange my other pieces of puzzle with more beautiful result, the girls.

Ahahahay.
---------

Inevitably counting in silent, secretly
The sixth moon's might as well an eternity
Keep going til the twelfth, what I ask for
And hopefully, maybe, I'll count no more

you had your chance so say goodbye

Hey, I knew you once
Don't you miss me?
We had so much fun
Don't you agree?

-----
I'm not good handling the slightest bit of attention. It makes me soft and weak. A few "hi"s and smiles could easily take me down to the memory lane, and that's not good. God knows I find it difficult to tell nostalgia apart from infatuation. Just take a mental note, that should never happen again. Amen.

only slightly mental

I'm over my crush with Mr.Berryman. Heheh. Or my fiery lust for Mr.Bonjang for that matter.

----------

Can you sing Flowers for me?
That is my rescue, it has to be

I hate to complain but sometimes you just can't help doing so, innit? So here goes... I'm bored (kalo kata celebritis indonesia yang harusnya make duitnya buat les bahasa inggris instead of nose jobs, "gue boring"). Not bored as in there's-nothing-good-on-TV bored, or I-have-nothing-to-do-today bored. It's I-wanna-be-anywhere-but-here bored. Omygod, I could go crazy anytime soon. Seriously. It's like my brain's going to explode any moment, when really it's because of the void in it. I can't explain exactly what I'm feeling lately, but it's driving me insane. Insane. Insane. Afterdark isn't better. I have the urge to rant on my journal but I don't know why nor for what and the words are just stumbling over one another they don't come out. I usually ended up doodling meaninglessly on it.

It's not like I'm sad nor upset, it's just that I'm on the verge of going nuts. Nuts. Nuts. Completely nuts. When something nice comes up, I'm totally okay. Like last thursday, when there were these good bands playing at the campus. That was fun. Or when I have my friends--best friends, hang-out friends, cousins, whatever--around, I'm okay. But when I'm left alone with nothing to do or at least when my mind is left alone with nothing to think about, there's this empty chaos inside. There's nothing to do, to think about, to dread about, but I feel so...jumbled.

See, I can't even write properly about it.

ARGH. Antara pengen kabur atau mematung.

Maybe it's just a phase, like always. But when it happens frequently--rarely, but frequently, could you really call it "a phase"? And I know when this is all over, I'll laugh at this and wonder, what was I thinking. Do I feel insane because I think I am insane? Someone I know once said something about what you feel is what your mind tells you to do, or something like that. You know, a suggestion or some sort.

You know what, I don't know.

Phew. It's tiring to even write about it. Um, help, please? A vacation, Prozac, a slap to bring back some senses, anything will do.

ooh, get me away from here, i'm dying
sing me a song to set me free
nobody writes them like they used to
so it may as well be me
[belle & sebastian]

obsessions in my head, don't connect with my intellect

Ahem. This is the 2nd part of my Guy-obsession entry below.

Turns out, he does in fact like dogs. Because he owns one named Sid (from Sid Vicious)...with his wife! Waaaahhhhh *sobs* I so envy a girl named Joanna Briston right now. Sob sob sob.

Haw. Goodbye the chance of living happily ever after with a man who's worth 10 million pounds and drives Land Rover Discovery 3.

Yeah, I think I'm obsessed. But I'm too broken-hearted to admit that.