i'm in love with something that i can't see

This is a bit late, but,

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Please note that this is the year of the rat. And I was born under the sign. A friend once said that when it's our year, we have to take every chance that we got. Because the result will most likely be good. Therefore, my sort-of new year's resolution is... to take more chance, to try more things, to live more. Wait, that's three.

Anyway. The point is, I'm going to seize the day more. Carpe diem. That's sort of thing. Although it'll be a tad difficult, considering my laziness. But I'm going to try anyway.

-----

For the new year's eve itself, I spent it in Bandung. With Ped and Ngong. We had our countdown moment in a karaoke lounge. 100% alcohol free, for the first time in... what, 5 years? Then we reviewed 2007 over martabak manis and martabak telor, made wishes for 2008, and hoped that we'll spend the next new year's eve together, and maybe with more people.

-----

Last but not least. My habit of reviewing the previous year. Let's take a walk back to 2007, shall we? I'll make it short this time.

1. The whole I-want-to-sleep-next-to-him butterflies. Hahah. It must've been the lonely air of the holiday season.
2. The whole ship-that-supposedly-can't-sink issue. Still haven't got that sorted out yet.
3. Got a job in a local tabloid, Wanita Indonesia. Got myself some great friends, who taught me a thing or two about life. Like what it's like to be old like them. Teehee.
4. My article about suicide had actually stopped some reader from doing so. Nice, eh? The most rewarding thing so far.
5. Quitted my job. Had  two months of a beautiful slacker's life. 
6. Got another job as a secret agent.

Quiet year, huh? Well, here's to a more exciting 366 days of 2008. Cheers!

the wheel is reeling
but such a waste
for i keep u-turning.

she'll let you deep inside, but there's a secret garden she hides

=========================================================

The Rules:
1. Each blogger must post these rules
2. Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves
3. Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight
things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose
eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and
to read ur blog.

==========================================================
Here goes. Eight secret (or not) doors opened.

1. I hate people easily. I fall for people easily. And I fall out of love easily too. Generally. So, If you're afraid that I might hate you, don't fret. And if you know that I have a crush on you or some sort, don't be flattered just yet. I do that to everybody else.

2. I have an eternal inner 5-year-old in me. I still watch cartoons, create imaginary friends, adore santa, and go crazy over balloons. I try my best to be mature when needed, but I don't think anyone should let their inner child disappear.

3. I'm a big dreamer/daydreamer. I often take my dreams seriously. And I sometimes can't tell the dreams apart from reality.

4. However, I find it hard to believe in things like happily ever after, marriage, honesty, loyalty, and all the muluk-muluk things. But, I'm willing (if not, dying) to be proven wrong.

5. I believe that we have our options. And I always think that, kalo bisa gampang kenapa mesti dibuat susah. So, I always try my best to avoid difficult, uncomfortable, inconvenient situation. For example, I refuse to take a bus, if I have enough money to pay a cab instead. People often take me for some kind of spoiled brat.  Well maybe I am. But I think I'm just living out my options.

6. I don't like people that much. I think some of them are just bad to the bone, and the rest are plainly disappointing. However, I've made some limited exception. There are people I actually care about, no matter what they do.

7. I LOATHE icky bathrooms.

8. I love ice cream. Especially Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Brownies and Cookie Dough!

The next victims are......

1. Pedhe
2. Andrei
3. ...
4. ...
5. ...
6. ...
7. ...
8. ... Told you, I don't like people that much. Whoever want to try this thing, knock yourself out!

take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white

It's friday night! Rah-rah!

And yet, I'm not out living the life of gadis metropolitan. This moment is too precious to NOT spend it resting at home. Yes, I'm very much an anti-social slave nowadays. I have no social life whatsoever. And of course, when I have no time for living, I have no time for primping.

So, as I constantly read articles about how three morning star flags were found at Abepura's prison on my Everest-like newspaper pile, I have my very own three morning stars on my forehead known as zits.

Bleurgh.

Well, at least I get paid good. And when I finally have an Everest-like moolah pile instead, I'll buy myself some social life and flawless skin.

On a lighter note, christmas is coming up.

you hate us 'cos we're beautiful, well we don't like you either, we're cheerleaders!

You know, in a typical teen flick, there's always this stereotype towards cheerleaders? That they're popular--on the upside. But on the downside, they're stupid, fake, slutty, shallow... What else, you mention.

See, I myself joined the cheerleader squad back in high school. And generally, the above mentioned assumption wouldn't upset me. Because I know better. What sets cheerleaders apart from... people, is they dance. They do awesome acrobatic maneuvers (not me, though I wish I could).

Generally.

But of course, there are exceptional moments. Like now, when I've just watched a few episodes of Popular, and make myself wonder, why Sam "Spam" McPherson and her pathetic group of friends (excluding Carmen) can be so mean towards the idea of cheerleading--for (sometimes) very irrelevant reasons.

But no perverted act of typecasting has upset me more than what my friend did. See, there was this girl I knew back in college days. She's smart, witty, and unique. Well, at least, she always spoke her--supposedly--unique mind. Of course, to me, she's as unique as someone who tries to be--which is everyone.

Anyvaaaay. Quite many months ago, this girl posted one of those questionnaires in a public posting site. When asked which she would prefer to do, marching band or cheerleading, she answered the first one. Why? Because, she won't have "to act like some slutty idiotic bunnies".

I wish she had said that to my face, just so I could shove her smart-ass brain into her mouth.

Tsk. It furiates me so much to see how a supposedly smart person can be so narrow-minded and rude. Let me ask you all, do you have anything against cheerleaders? If yes, why? Please, take your time in thinking over the answer, before submitting it to ms. Crankypants here.

wake up, kids, we got the dreamers disease

I just saw Peter Pan, the 2003 movie version, yesterday. And here's a quote from it:

"Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about
grown up things again." -Peter.

While I agree with Wendy who says that 'never' is an awfully long time, but come oooon! Is Peter the man--I mean boy--of my dreams or what? Besides the fact that I've dreamt about flying with him, literally, he also lives in Neverland! And he can teach you to fly, and he promises grown-up-worries-free adventures!

Darn. Why oh why can't he be for real?

when did your heart go missing?

I was talking with my aunt and uncle this afternoon, when I mentioned something about how my gram, mom, and another aunt were so good in berbasa-basi, and au contraire in my case. Then my uncle and aunt said that, actually, when I was younger, I was very good at berbasa-basi. They said, I used to say hi first to everyone, I couldn't stop talking in my waking hours, I got along well with new people...

In their word, I was so--prepare to look up your Javanese dictionary--"sumeh".

Wow. I guess none of you readers ever knew that part of me, huh? Heheh. Even I almost forgot that that Runi existed at some point.

Let's review a bit of lately. I--along with some friend(s?)--are said to be "gampang benci orang", there have been complains about me never saying hi first (wink-wink, Sind), and I'm not that excited about new people...

Well, at least, I'm still talkative, right? Every once in a while...

Right?

-----

This just in: Mr. Dogol, single?

falling about, i took a left off last laugh lane

Wee-hoo. It's a few days away from lebaran. While I don't actually like the D-day, au contraire with the few days before. Indra has come home, Khesia and Archie constantly have sleepovers...

With my cousins all around, I have shopping-slash-driving-mindlessly-around-town partners in daytime. And at nights, it's like having my own insomniac club here. Now in the wee hours, I don't have to blind myself out staring at the TV or my PC monitor. I can act retarded, play let's-visit-engkoh-the-fortune-teller, and dance like there's no tomorrow to the 80s songs in the dimmed red light with them, while waiting for the sahur time.

Nice. Being locked in neverland once again.

-----

From lately.

There are bits and pieces. Like an insignificant (but still butterflies-worthy) reference of my name, a stupefying dream, a brief (but still nice) blast from the past, and...

O yeah, I'll be having a job, two weeks from now... *crossing fingers*

falling slowly. sing your melody. i'll sing along.

These are the things I've spent this entire day for:

- Unsuccesfully tried to write and doodle, and had the results of these half-baked amateur works.
- Demolished my Mt.Everest-like comic/book/mag/note-pile in mom's room.
- Took a shower with mom's scrub salts.
- Succesfully read the first 10 pages out of Lolita. Of course, the story begins from page 7.
- Finished the second disc of the first season of That 70s Show.
- Watched Ugly Betty.
- Painted my toenails pink. And now they look pretty, if I might add.

Phew. Big day.

it's nice not to be so alone, but i hold onto secrets in white houses

The butterflies I felt about 2 weeks ago are no longer here. "What was I thinking" had even crossed my mind.

So, what am I doing now? Two a.m. in the wee time, involved in another conversation with the same person I had a convo with two weeks ago. Listening to him unmercifully unload about everything, when I could've watched Ugly Betty rerun or even better, slept?

It's not a crush, and the butterflies aren't coming back. And no, I'm not in denial. In fact, I know exactly why I'm here.

Because I'm a sucker for this. Yes, I'm a sucker for people unloading to me. Listening to people's deepest secrets, fears, and hopes is somewhat... empowering. Dear lord, I'm a trash bin by choice...

i'd tell you sad stories about my childhood. i don't know why i trusted you, but i know that i could

Updates from this past few weeks.

I've left my job, on August 24th, to be exact. It wasn't as liberating as the time I quitted my teaching job. Tears and fears came pouring down. But hey, I think I'm moving on. In fact, I've moved on. It's not like I'm losing my friends there. I still got to see them, especially when I was paying the meals.

Case in point, last Friday, at my supposedly-farewell-dinner. I rounded up the PLUS* guys at Dimsum Festival Kemang. Seeing them turned out to be very, very exciting and overwhelming. Butterflies went wild and they didn't even stop for awhile to catch some air.

Anyway. I actually don't know if the butterflies were there for the little reunion, or for something else...

Moving on to the next subject.

Have you ever had one of those long talks, that stay all through the wee hours? I bet you have. But have you had one that makes you feel... comfortable and a bit giddy, maybe, at the same time? Like you could get lost in the convo right there, right then? And then the butterflies from it actually stay for a few days?!!

Like I've asked a few of my friends before, I'll ask again, what was that? If I feel like the mentioned above, does that necessarily mean, I have a crush on the convo-partner? Nuh, right? Well, whatever that was, my feelings are back to normal now. So, I think it was just some case of momentarily lapse for being an infatuation-prone, right? Rrrrigghht. Inputs are welcome, though.

Okie. I think that's it from moi. I've lost my mood to ramble some more.
See you soon!

seven years disappear below my feet

This is from having too much time in my hand.

7 YEARS AGO

1) How old were you?
* 15-16

2) Where did you go to school?
* SMA 70

3) Where did you work?
* Wherever people needed some pompoms to be waved.

4) Where did you live?
* Jakarta

5) Where did you hang out?
* Blok M Plaza kalo pulang sekolah. Dan mall-mall lainnya.

6) Did you wear glasses?
* I started wearing contacts this time around.

7) Who was your friend(s)?
* Bune, I think. And people from my class.

8) How many piercings did you have?
* None.

9) What car did you drive?
* Couldn't drive at all. hahah.

10) Had you been to a real party?
* Define real party.

12) Had your heart broken?
* Yah, namanya juga anak muda. Dikit-dikit brokenhearted.

13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?
* Single

2 YEARS AGO.

1) How old were you?
* 20

2) Where did you go to school?
* English lit, UI

3) Where did you work?
* Chrysolit English Course

4) Where did you live?
* Jakarta

5) Where did you hang out?
* Kansas, and still, malls all around south jakarta

6) Did you wear glasses?
* Still wearing contact lenses

7) Who were your friends?
* Pedbunros, and I think by this time, I had softened up a bit towards people in my campus, and I found a whole new fship in people, especially Sinnilnan.

8) Who was your crush?
* I think this forgetful boy--or should I say Boi. Who was--according to my own words back then--"hard to like, but hard to hate".

9) How many tattoos did you have?
* None

10) How many piercings did you have?
* Six

11) What car did you drive?
* I don't think I could drive back then. But I remember taking sind's car for a few rounds around the campus.

12) Had your heart broken?
* Yaah, I don't know. But I think I learned some time then, that heartbroken is just a state of mind.

13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?
* Single

NOW, 2007.

1) How old are you?
* 22

2) Where do you work?
* Actually, I just quitted my job at Tabloid Wanita Indonesia last week.

3) Where do you live?
* Jakarta

4) Do you wear glasses?
* Still on the lenses

5) Who are your friends?
* Pedbunros, thankfully Sinnilnan are still around. And few others whom I hope will stay around.

6) Do you talk to your old friends?
* Which old friends?

7) How many piercings do you have?
* Still 6

8) How many tattoos?
* Still none

9) What kind of car do you have?
* Honda City. Well, it's mom's actually. but I drive it now!

10) Has your heart been broken?
* I hope I'm way smarter now to ever feel brokenhearted anymore.

11) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?:
* Single. Ahuihuii.

12) Where did you go to school?
* What? "Did"? Didn't I mention that already?

13) Where did you hang out?
* Duh, where there are foods, drinks, my friends and a smoking area.

oh and i'll laugh all the way to hell

Turns out, there are other applicants. And I took part in interviewing them last Thursday.

The first one was blah. All I remember from interviewing her was that I said "standar" to my boss when she left the room, and nothing else.

The second one, in my opinion, is the best candidate so far. She used to write for Hai's suplementary Koran SMA. And god knows how my boss is head over heels in love with Hai. She's easy, in terms of, she doesn't mind leaving her classes for work, nor does she mind coming in on weekend to work.

The third girl was... Well, I don't think she can be called a girl. She's about 27, and she already has one child. I think she was too loud, and her appearance was way too tacky for an interview. She might be good in getting the dirt from the local artists, though.

The last one, had the most attractive appearance. By attractive, I mean, she would fit right in among those ABG-ABG PIM. Music and fashion wise, I got the impression that she was an up-to-date person. Not forward, but enough. But she had a difficult time in finishing a sentence. Very, very lenjeh. Ketiup-angin-langsung-terbang kind of girl.

So there you go. Which one do you think is the right one for my replacement? Of course, they're no me...

...Oh, just humor me. I'm about to lose my job.

-----

About lately.

- I can't believe it's easier to see people from out of town, than people who live 10-30 minutes away from me...

- Try wearing kebaya and kain--with a supertight bustier that only enables you to sit in one position, straight up--and try driving as fast as you can through saturday night's traffic. I did. And I must say, as a woman, I never felt so empowered before.

- Currently trying to compile some of my doodlings for the book plan. Crossing fingers, amen, amen, amen!

-Talking about plans, I'll be an unemployment in about 2 days or so. I need to have some plans! Anybody knows where I can rent a decent car with the lowest price?

- Anybody knows where I can get some info about master degree scholarship in New York?

- And FYI, I'll be as easy as cheap hookers soon. So, anyone wants to get together (to hang out, of course), call me. And if anyone has any job offering (aside from hookering, that is), call me.

pretty eyed, pirate smile, i'll marry a music man

Just like my friends before me, I'm back to filling this sort of thing.

Name your 15 favorite songs and then answer the questions below.
1. Tonight Tonight - Smashing Pumpkins
2. Shiver - Coldplay
3. Ordinary World - Duran Duran
4. Strange And Beautiful - Aqualung
5. Warning Sign - Coldplay
6. I'll Stop The World And Melt With You - The Cure
7. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
8. When I'm Thinking About You - The Sundays
9. Read My Mind - The Killers
10. Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
11. On Your Own - The Verve
12. Ocean's Breathes Salty - Modest Mouse
13. Let Down - Radiohead
14. Cut Here - The Cure
15. Tiny Dancer - Elton John

*Where's the first time you hear the song number 9?
I think in Ped's car, since she has the CD.

*What do you feel when you hear song number 4?
Heartbroken.

*You'll give number 14 for?
Old friends I run into.

*You'll hear number 10 when you feel so........Melancholily bottled up. "fade into you, i think it's strange you never knew".

*Do you like the singer number 2?
I like the bass player even better!

*Who will you dance with while you hear number 3?
Young John Taylor. Hahah, with semi-mullet, ruffled collar and shoulder pads. That or someone who knows or is able to sing the song ;)

*Your fav lyrics of song number 1?
"Believe in me as I believe in you tonight"

*Do you listen song number 7 when you're broken heart?
No. But maybe when I'm in need of some mood-boosting.

*Miss number 5?
No, 'cos "the truth is I miss YOU".

*Who will you remember if you hear number 8?
You, naturally. Since I'm thinking about you.

*What's the unique side of number 12?
Its lyrics. I don't really get it, it might be about some afterlife (or the lack of it). But listen to the words, and tell me it's not magical and beautiful.

*If someone sings number 15 to you?
If this someone is Billy Crudup or Dave Grohl, well then, hello! But if the someone is Elton John himself, then, thanks but no thanks.

*Number 6 makes you happy?
Sometimes. Because the song is kinda upbeat. It actually makes me go aww.

*Why'd you love number 13?
Because it's Thom Yorke singing genuine Radiohead's mournful tunes about "the emptiest of feelings" and "disappointed people" called Let Down. I mean, you can't get any more depressive than this. Nice.

*If a street musician sings number 11?
Wondering why he/she still stays on the street.

when i say out loud i want to get out of this, i wonder, is there anything i'm going to miss

Yesterday, I saw a girl. About my age. Nothing unusual, jeans, tee, and cardi if I'm not mistaken. And aside from her bag, the only thing she carried was a big brown envelope. She was passing me, S, and another guy from the artistic on her way in. She had that fearful-slash-jittery look. You know, like she couldn't bring herself to look directly at us, so instead she tried her best to nail her eyes to her shoes. She went in for like 30 seconds, came back out again, and the envelope had gone.

S and I looked and smirked at each other. And almost simultaneously said "my (/your) replacement". And sighed.

My prejudgement about the girl? As Phoebe Buffay might say, I think she's "vanilla". I wonder what the other applicants look like. I wonder if there's any other applicant.

i think that i'm throwing, but i'm thrown

So, there you go, bandages have been ripped off. One went well, and will stay well (hopefully).

The other...

Well, it's about me resigning. Mini boss took it well (he's a zen kind of person), than I imagined. But I think--and this will sound very egotistical of me--I THINK, he was this close to crying. His eyes were glassy and all. Hahah.

I shouldn't laugh, though. Because lately, I've been living in a near-tears state. I don't know if it's because my works keep piling up, and I loathe them. Or my 5-or-so months crying-celibacy has finally ran out its route. Or maybe because no matter what, it's still kinda hard to part with this place.

And of course. Now that I've said, this is it, I'm really quitting, the good things are coming back to the surface. Just two days ago, mini boss, S (big-bully-like artistic guy/occasional big brother figure), and I went to get late night ice cream. And as always, they were acting embarassingly stupid on our way there and back. That was kind of fun. It's been a while since we did that. And after few incomplete meetings, yesterday, all of us were there. That was also fun...

I'm still leaving. But somehow it feels as hard as staying.

Unexpectedly, my inside was really squeezed last night. When I saw S doing layouts and putting this ad: PLUS* Wanted, Jadi Reporter Yuk! I know, I know I shouldn't complain. I was the one who ask mini boss to go look for my sub. But it just felt so... final.

Well, I'm still leaving. And if I change my mind, I know I'll regret it. So, bye-bye.

Darn, this one bandage is ripping itself off oh-so-slowly.

sometimes you just have to walk away, wishing today was yesterday

Random. Random. Random.

- Saw KT Tunstall's old vid--Other Side Of The World--yesterday. The guy in the video is zsazsazsu-inducing. And I still don't know who that is. Anybody knows?

- Anyone knows where to get a heart-shaped glasses? And I'm not talking about Marilyn Manson new single. I literally mean, sunglasses with heart-shaped frames. Me wanna very much. Please suggest something cheaper than Topshop's Rp. 239000 one, or Mango Rp. 299000 one. Much much cheaper.

- Isn't Shirley Manson just gorgeous in Garbage's Tell Me Where It Hurts video? Red head and all.

- Current favorite catchy song: Rooney's When Did Your Heart Go Missing. Basically, it sounds the same like their other songs, but something about this one that sticks more. I dig the end part, when the vocalist starts to converse the words rather than sing them? And the lines are: "I don't know where your heart went/ It was here just the other day/ Now it's gone/ I'm gonna call the police/ Call the investigator, the heart investigator". Muwahahah. It's so tacky, it's gooood!

- I like Badly Drawn Boy's new video, Promises. It looks like a lamp shop. You know, similar to KoC's Cayman Island. And just like I love balloons, I love lamps.

- Have you been through this: You have to have a serious talk with someone (/people). And you rehearse it in your mind over and over. You even prepare some worst-case scenario. But when it's getting closer to that talk, you're afraid everything you've prepared to say, won't make any sense at all. Either today or tomorrow, I have to tell my midget boss that I won't renew my working contract next month. Scary. And I have to have the "we need to talk" kind of talk, with people I never thought I would have one with. *sigh*

- I'm hungry.

not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me

Has anyone listened to Justin Timberlake's I Think She Knows/Love Stoned? Not my favorite, but maaan, I love the end part. When the music suddenly gets very serene? Enticing.

And aside from that, I have nothing to tell here.

Except that I miss some people, some moments in time, some conversations,

Somewhere.

shoot me in the head

Come to think of it, I've always wanted to be a journalist because I like to write. But interviewing people? That's another story. Well, I actually don't mind interviewing people. But interviewing local artists that I've never heard before and I don't care anything about... There's something about it that I loathe. Yes, LOATHE.

And what I loathe more than interviewing them?

Having to interview them with my mini boss around. Ugh. Why doesn't he let me patronize these wannabes by myself???

Iwantout. Iwantout. Iwantout. Bwaaaahhhh!!! x'0

can we start this again?

I've been trying to be optimistic for quite a while. But the feeling is phasing out. And it's just like we are, from where I'm standing right now.

So, tell me you're not phasing us out.

Please.
-----

Someone turn me around
Can I start this again?
Now someone turn us around
Can we start this again?

We've all been changed
From what we were
Our broken parts
Left smashed off the floor

I can't believe you
If I can't hear you
I can't believe you
If I can't hear you
[Editors]

killmenow. killmenow. killmenow.

I bought a bottle of Nu Green Tea one day, and noticed that they (whatever company that produces the drink) gave away prizes depending on what was written on the inside of the bottle cap.

So I opened the bottle, and took a look. There it was, written in the same shade of orange as the bottle cap...

BELUM BERUNTUNG

Of course.

Now, the bottle-opening scene and the image of that bottle cap always haunt me everytime things don't go my way.

Yes, belum beruntung, indeed.