all that we needed tonight are people who love us and life

Blah. I'm bored. But I'm too broke to go out. And I'll pretend not to hear anyone who screams "get a job", not because I won't but I just can't be rushed.

BLAAAAHH. I can't even write anything. Personal rants, fiction, poem, writing sample for my future... I feel so uninspired.

I want to go out, and waste my non-existent money, and party, and have fun, and feel good, and be mesmerized by bands playing beautiful songs, and be surrounded by my loved ones so that I could hide behind them when the big bad world is closing in, and sing my lungs out, and dance the night away, and go nuts, and see people, and ignore people, and have my inside beat so fast for something trivial and not be able to sit still because of it or maybe just because of the expensive coffee they sell on Starbucks, and see and/or feel fireworks, and feel alive, and be inspired.

Help?

Anyway. I feel so *blah* I read my old journals from 7-9 years ago although usually reading my junior-high-self made me cringe. I still cringed this time. Conclusions made from reading it: I was so naive back then but I've been building my personal electric fence since then and big massive thank god, as I've grown older, I've gained more guts, confidence, self-respect and such. Thank god for self-evolution. Oyeah, and I was so in love with the guy whom I made run recently (or was that vice versa?). I've also loved drama since back then: making a used-to-be-best-friend's life a hell, playing 'pingpong' with a best friend/love interest/admirer/enemy xD, basking in a spider web of enmity and then taking sides...

Not so naive after all, huh? But compared to now, I was stupidly green. Again, thank god I trust myself now.

Enough with my self-introspect moment. People, let's have a christmas party! I'm not supposed to celebrate it, but it's december already and with all the christmas trees and lights at the malls and such and the cold air and the butterflies inside... I can hear Chris Martin's voice inside singing, "it felt like christmas time".

So, anyone?

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away
[moby]