think of me when you close your eyes, but don't look back when you break all ties

You know how I've constantly wanted to run away? To leave things behind? Not forever, because I've always thought that no one can afford forever. You know how I've always wanted to see what's outside this bubble of mine? To add more pictures to my scrapbook. To ditch everything just to crave over coming back. 

And then along the way, I've fallen in love with Doves' Pounding. Because I still can't believe a song can fit the state I'm in that well. I even wondered along the way, if Jimi Goodwin (Doves' lead vocal) could take me away, just like in the song. Or maybe someone else would. Ask me to leave at sunrise, and live by the ocean, you know?

And I always thought, when someone did, I'd go. I'd leave in a second. I can always come back, can't I? I'm aware I have too much to leave behind. But I always thought they'd understand, because I know they know I'd come back. It's just something I have to do, to get over with.

Yeah. Running away. Running away to come back. That's like the mount Everest of my carpe-diem resolution. I should reach it when I have the chance, and that's it. I'm on top of myself. I can get it out of my system...

So, why? Why when there really was a midnight call--from someone who's getting to know me too well--asking me to run away, leave the world we know behind, and see the world ahead, I chickened out? Why?

Maybe because of my 'too much to leave behind'. I have my job, my mom, my friends. Having said that, I can find another job. Don't I hate doing this already? Reckless, but that's just me and my 'live for today' madness. My mom would have a hard time trying to understand. But come to think of it, I really think she'd understand. My friends? Ditto. Besides, with some of them (and counting) I already have a platonic fship anyway. What difference would it make?

So, why?

Hggh. Can't help feeling like the carpe diem's out of the window. Did I just miss my now-or-never moment?

And to think I might lose more than just a roadtrip by saying 'I can't'...



ps. On a positive note, here's the space I've been nagging Mr. Midnightcaller for.

"you turn around
and life's passed you by
you look to ones you love
to ask them 'why?'
you look to those you love
to justify
you turned around
and life's passed you by
passed you by, again"
[Doves]