longing

My sister got married yesterday. It was interesting, tiring, in some way tacky, and I'm glad it's over. The girls came and we took pictures of us in kebaya. The last time we wore kebaya altogether was about 2 years ago, graduation day. We looked cute and all back then, and damn we looked beyond beautiful in yesterday's pics x)

Dad and Riri were there although my witchy-bitchy stepmom wasn't--which is good. I wouldn't normally do this, but my stepsister and I, we were kinda bonding. Well, I mean we talked about everything and we hung out together. I don't know if it'll last, but it was kinda fun. It was definitely something new. Anyway, before the reception started, when everyone was stressed over nothing, mom snapped at me for replying her bitching. And I was so upset I was on the verge of crying. Then suddenly my dad showed up in front of me, and when he saw me lips all trembling with glassy eyes, he gave me that soothing and calming look. And right then, I missed him so much! I mean, wouldn't it be great if he was around? I'd have someone else to turn to, mom wouldn't be alone, and lots of other possibilities. Oh well.

Anyhoo, here's an irrelevant side note: I just chatted with Agay on the MSN not too long ago. He said that some guys ("around 20", so I quote) were gathering in Bulungan on the 24th. When I asked who, he mentioned some names and then he forgot the rest and then he said he wanted to go offline. Shucks. No one significant was there, right? ...Right?

picture time!


need i say more?




dad and me




everyone, meet my younger sister

surrealm

This episode, on Days of My Life: Someone I know decides to move on, people in my house are moving out, I decide I don't want to deal with who-used-to-be the most dealable (shut up, that's a new word, I created it) person in my campus, I had a...well, nice dream about him last night and there's still that "nothing" that I keep dreading about. Here goes...

First one, someone I know is moving on (for this person, I wish you all the luck, hon). Then last friday (what was supposed to be Bat's birthday), no one gathered around in our old high school anymore. Point is, maybe everything about my oh-so-precious past is just merely...old high school memories. They're in the past now. I just have to deal with the fact that everything won't ever be the same again like the old time. They have to change, and maybe I have to try to...well, go out and explore the rest of the world more. Can't live in memories and dreams forever, right? Yea, anyway, that's just a brief thought.

Next, Tante Rika was getting married again last week and she moves out to her new house with his husband. Fine by me. But Khesia and Archie have to go with her too. Well, they haven't moved out yet, but they have to soon. My sister is getting married in 2 days and soon she'll be out of the house too. And then Tante Danti is moving out to her new apartment sometime after Lebaran. Let's discuss the predicted aftermath. No more Khesia and Archie means no more switching-swapping-lending-and-borrowing clothes. It also means no more people to talk to, to joke around with, to diss parents with, and plainly no more good distraction. Next one, without my sister around, that means it's up to me to take care of Brownie. And as much as I love dogs, as I love mine, I don't do good in taking care of pets for a long-term. I can always ask mbak Iim for help, but I can't bear Brownie's sad eyes when no one is around to play with him. Lastly, with tante Danti out, then no more single woman staying at home accompanying another single woman--my mom. Mom would probably make it hard for me to go out often when the house is practically empty. Damn. Wasn't I the one who want to get out from here since the elementary school? Now I'm the one who's still here. ...Damn.

About that person whom I fought with not too long ago. I know she said sorry, and she claimed her outburst was just a temporary-insanity thingy, and all. But I don't wanna handle any situation like that anymore. I'm not the forgive-and-forget type of person. Hate you once, and I'll feel weird with you forever. I happen to know that she feels lonely, and I happen to know all about being lonely. But I guess she just has to deal with it, bcos I can't deal with her anymore. Could you be more unforgiving, Run?

Finally, about the guy. One of you may already know that I feel nothing the last time I saw him (how you can guess, I still don't know). I'm still curious about this "nothing". Is it really nothing? Will it last? Is it good or not? Should I be glad? Bcos it's really a drastic change in just what, a few weeks? What used to be the head-over-heels giddy, now is just a-lil-giddy-that's-over-once-I-don't-see-him giddy. What used to be a blind rage of jealousy, now is just plainly "ow, lucky her" brief state of mind. Isn't that weird? All these months, tears, smiles, and all for nothing? Pedhe said I should wait til the next time I see him. And I thought I would (see him, that is) sometime on the 24th of September; but no, I didn't. Curious, curious, curious. What does this mean?!

Speaking of the guy, I had a dream about him last night. It was interesting and nice all the way...I mean, altogether. Heheh. Yep, suddenly when I'm swarming with nothing, bang, he popped up. Well, that's just a tad newsflash bcos let me tell you, this dream is fuckin' interesting! Hell yeah. The nothing is still nothing, but there's a brand new sense of lust here xp

There you go...a bit of the everything-and-nothing of me lately.

"Guess I'm stuck in a dream
Surrounded by colored leaves on the ground
As I stare at the trees I see one fall down in my hand
As I start to explore I can't ignore a man
He turns his head around
His face was all worn by the sun

I'm going out for a while
So I can get high with my friends, I will
I'm going out for a while
Don't wait up cause I won't be home
Today...

Drifting down a road
Losing myself in a dream
Feel my hands getting cold
Sat in a boat on a lake

Climbing up trying my best
As I sink
Climbing up trying my best
As I sink again

Lying back on the floor
Reaching up high into space
See myself in a glass
I'm counting the lines on my face
Again
I'm counting the lines on my face
Again..."
[feeder]

quick note

New address, people. Um, what people? There's only like, one person who reads this. Long story made short: Sindro went ballistic over my little confession about the last saturday night. Not wanting to deal with objected people, I changed the address. Now she's shutting down her blog too, saying sorry and stuff. Whatthehell...

Anyway, maybe there's more to write here, but not tonight. Tomorrow maybe. Or even, when this September finally ends. Au revoir!

I envy people who smoke. They have something to suck when they feel like sucking. When I suck, I just suck.

ditch my work? sounds like F-U-N!

o1. IKMI's gathering ~ check
o2. Rika's wedding ~ uncheck
o3. Riva's wedding ~ uncheck

I finally went to puncak for the gathering--or rather, initation--from friday until yesterday. I took a ride in Monik's car with Memmy and Yasmine. As soon as we got there, well, you know the story...Oblivious freshemen got yelled, usually-nice seniors went bad (hellow, Nand and Mon :p), and me? I still felt stupid trying to yell uncontrollably to those freshmen.

It wasn't that bad actually if it wasn't for this nagging, tears-inducing feeling like I didn't belong. Yep, I got homesick very, very frequently. And that was only the 1st day. I didn't get to sleep until like, 2 am, sunday morning and I had to wake up at 3 or so. It was so FUCKIN' cold, I wore 2-3 jackets at once. I had to sleep on the floor with this torn our carpet. I had people asking me to go downstairs 2 secs before I fell asleep upstairs, and when I got downstairs, this girl with her annoying voice kept telling me to sleep upstairs bcos of this and that. It was FRUSTRATING! I ended up crying myself to my barely-2-hour-long sleep. There goes my confession of the week.

By the 2nd day, Pedhe, Bangun, Bune and Syarif came by to visit. I wanted to go with them so much, I lied and ditched the initiation. I felt bad, I really did. But hey, it's over anyway, right? Well, for those of you who kept asking me where I had been saturday night, here goes...

We went to KFC near the villa, and then to Taman Safari. We took the night safari. I had been wanting to do that since forever, and we finally did! It had been ages since the last I went there, so I got very excited like a 5-year old. I think Pedhe & Bune did too. We were taking stupid pics and laughing our asses off. It was definitely fun! When we took the safari bus, we were actually psyched seeing those animals upclose. Those tigers are cute! Then, when we almost got out of the jungle, the bus driver suddenly went mad with his driving. He turned left and right due to the curvy road in a crazy speed, in the dark, with this animal-and bomb sounds playing. It was lame, but it was hilarious!

After the safari ride, we went to the theme park and tried some of the rides there. The coaster, the not-so-crazy "crazy plane", the ferris wheel. Lame, lame, lame, but it was definitely more fun than staying in the villa. Oyeah, Ped & I took a short ride on the camel. Hahah, we were so scared we looked like a couple of morons. Lastly, there were this baby tiger (2 months old, I think) and an orangutan. They were so tamed and cute, we all had our pictures taken with them. Love 'em!!! x)

As it was getting late, we were getting hungry. So up we went to one of those warungs in Puncak Pas. It was cold also, but at least I got to eat Poffertjes and drink something aside from water and hot tea (no offense people :p). Afterwards, despite Sind's texts (sorry, Sind), I agreed to go to history dept's initiation. I only knew Baralig, Gibond, and Dion there. But it was still comfy. The longer I stayed there, the more I wanted to stay. Besides the usual coffee-and-tea, they served chocolate milk! That wasn't all, there was also booze. For guests! Though I didn't touch them, inspite of me trying to cut down my dose of booze. However, there were spliffs of weed. Finally! I was hoping Bangun'd bring them (which he didn't), who knew Gibond had some with him?

However, a while after midnight, I had to go back to the english' villa. I hate the way I had to drag PedBunBangSyar along to "another planet" so Bangun called. The thing I hate most, when I came back to the villa, no one actually needed me. No one asked me to do something. I think they need me bcos they always panicked whenever they felt short-handed. Except for looking for the emergency lamp, I wasn't doing anything productive. I was practically sleeping unaffected by the noise all through the trial (don't blame me, the weeds are good). I just went here and there during the brainwash session. I just tried to hold back the freshmen when they were rebelling. And yet, the show went on succesfully, just like what everyone hoped for. Come to think of it, I should've agreed when Bune advised me to stay at the sejarah's initiation.

Well, every good thing must come to an end, right? On the bright side, I have a ride home by sunday ;)

[Few messages for people]
Pedhe, Bune, Bangun, Syarif: Super duper thanks times thousands for taking me away in an unconventional saturday night. And thanks for the company and the ride home.
English 2oo2 class: I apologize for ditching you guys, but I'm not sorry.
Yos: I hate you, bitch, bitch, bitch! I know I'm not in the place to say this, but you are useless, even more than I am. I never saw you keeping your promises or even helping me with stuff up there!

[Picture Time!!]

one of the stupid pics we took


notice Pedhe's too-tight grip to my neck?


he couldn't keep still, but he still the cutest thing alive!


macannnn! ;)

stupid, happy and numb

Here it is...Fifth semester. So far so good, and I hope it'll stay that way. Here's a bit recap;

Let's talk about academic stuff, shall we? Because of one thing and another, I can't take Spanish this term. There goes my excitement for this semester out of the window. However I take French. Despite the hard-to-pronounce words and me keep forgetting what means what, I think it'll be a fun class. I haven't learned much yet. So far it's still about bonjour, commentallez-vous, and vous appelez-vous?. Yea, wait for more mind-boggling french words here, people. I also take Romantic and Gothic Lit class this term. It's an interesting class, but it's kinda ahead of my year. So I'm afraid I'll be like, the stupid donkey in this class. Yknow, the one who don't have anything to say bcos I haven't figured out just yet what this class is all about. Enough about classes, considering I can't find another exciting one to tell.

About life, lately

On monday I saw this guy I know. And for the next few hours, I kept thinking about him. Not that I like him or something. I just did. Ugh, I don't know, I can't explain it now bcos I cant even remember what I felt. Hahahah, sooo stupid. And for a while, I was afraid of the possibility of me liking this guy. Well, yea, there's always that possibility with me and any guy. I mean, no more liking the guy that I don't wanna like. I don't want any more "lupakan dong, itu kesalahan. knapa gua bisa suka dia dulu??" to my friends, and some sort. However, I don't need to worry about that anymore. I saw that guy again today, and I was like...what the hell was I thinking?? And no zsa zsa zsu whatsoever (not that I had zsa zsa zsu when I saw him on monday), no nothing. Okay, Run, no more coffee on the 1st day of school and right before seeing some familiar face (I'm a sucker for familiarity).

Moving on. Just when I thought I couldn't hate my campus more...Now it's overloaded with people. The number of freshmen is beyond massive. When they said "sea of people" I think they had my campus on their mind. Empty table in the caf is almost impossible, people are everywhere, standing in the way & crowding every space they can find, holy bananas, it SUCKS! So, on the lunchbreak today, Nandia had enough and asked us to go to another cafetaria with her. When I asked which one, she said Teknik. As always, there I was, torn between 'to go or 'not to'. But this time I didn't have any time to hesitate bcos Nandia, Imel and Tisam were already walking to Nand's car; so I followed them, still with no mind made up. Before I knew it, we already parked on FT's parking lot. Owkay, what do I have to lose, besides being in a place that I never feel comfy at, right?

Whoa, turned out, that caf was just as crowded as mine. We were lucky we found an empty table in the center section of the caf. We usually chose the back one, near the lake, but the tables were all taken. There I was, glancing to every direction, barely concentrating on what my friends were saying. But I didn't see him. That is, until Imel was back from the musholla and I had to slide slightly on my seat so that Imel could sit. That's when I glanced forward, and there he was. A nice, familiar face among the sea of irritating-looking strangers. He was metres away, but I could see him clearly. I couldn't get close to talk to him bcos his table was the one on the back. I had no reason to go there unless I was running some fashion show where I could walk back and forth without any clear point in doing so. That's okay tho...because as unusual as it was for me, I actually feel...content. It felt comfy this afternoon, gazing at him from that distance without any evil butterflies telling me nasty paranoia-inducing stuff. I'm glad :)

"And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you but I don't know how"
[oasis]

"..we were sure we'd never see an end to it all.."

Another new layout. I hope Kopral won't ever come across this blog and recognize his own face behind the question mark. Heheh. This blog thingy is getting fun. Just yesterday I participated in making Ped's new layout. It turned out really great!

NEWSFLASH: School in 2 days, people! Blaaaah! Sucks! Dear people, my heart is in a great pain thinking this is the end of this holiday xP I just wish this is an easy semester. Like the third one. No? Okay...

Spent this last holiday night at Rosel's with Pedhe. Too bad Bune didn't come, she wasn't feeling very well and she refused to come home later than 10.00 pm. Yeaa, rrighht. Anyhoo, we were watching the Indonesian Idol final on TV and just laying around in mas Ramon's room. I like it, I always felt comfy everytime we had that--sort of--"girl's night in". Later on, Pedhe craved the delicious mussel gratin at Dixie; so, off we went. Again, too bad Rosel couldn't come. She has to wake up in about an hour from now. For what, people? For that ospek thingy. Makes me hate my uni more and more.

So there we were, just me & Pedhe, at Dixie, kemang. I don't know where the hell everyone was. Well, I know actually. Maria, Ebonk, Tesar, and some other people I know went to see a movie at Taman Ismail Marzuki. Maria asked us surely, but the meeting time was 05.00 pm. Of course we passed up. Angga had this premiere for Utopia at his house. Bangun...I think he's already in bandung now. Yea, point is, it was kinda quiet. However, there was Oho coming into Dixie. But he brought his girl friend, so I thought there'd be only a small chat with him and he'd sat on another table. Turned out, they were joining us. Oho is always a pleasant company, but a stranger? Awkward attack xP Well, you know the rest...Ho-hum.

That's about it for my saturday night. As soon as I got home, I had another late-night-narcissistic-picture-taking; haven't done that for a while. And now I'm back in front of my computer, bcos I don't want to get some sleep. I'm trying to--in a way--postpone the arrival of the end of this holiday. Yea, I know it's impossible. I don't want sunday to come. Again, I know it's here already.

That, however, brings me to another wondering of mine: What's with sunday? I mean, I hate it. I know some people who hate it. There's just this bad aura with sundays. It's like, I don't know, it's hard to explain. Sunday just screams jaded. Why is that, people? Anyone of you feel the same? Do you know why?

That's it from moi. Good night, people. And goodbye, holiday.

"take me back to the other place
take me back when im alone
i can see all the little things that once could make me whole"
[longwave]